No title yet: Actress meets guy on a bus

I took a deep breath. The air was humid so that breath didn't really help, it just made me more nervous. Great last thing I need! I wipe my sweaty hands on my dress. My Que. Oh no! I fake courage and strut on to the stage. My heels far too loudly stabbing the floor.
"You call dearest." great, I remember my line, I whoop for joy in my head,"Oh why do we play these games. Why should you not whisk me away to Venice at last?"
With that I run forward and fling my arms over fellow actor Antonio's neck. Wow They must me paying me allot for this. Antonio's hardly, for one of a better word, attractive. His face is normally covered in thick clusters of spots and greasy black hair unevenly waves from the top of his head. Thank God for the make-up department.
"Oh beauty of the night I shall..." and so the play went:Kiss, walk, chat, move to Venice and die. But that hour seemed to drag on for decades. I must have waited in those stuffy stage wings for at least a millennium! I seized to believe that i hadn't aged at all. I remember Antonio mouthing something to me...But I couldn't make it out because of all the acne. Then came my finale Que: Antonio's characters death... If only this scene could be real life!
"OH my love! You seem so cold, Let my breath be the last you breath so that forever, in heaven we'll be!" I tried my hardest not to squirm as I kissed him. But his acne was surprisingly sharp and hurt me face. Oh no! He just stuck his tongue in my mouth. Oh my god! It's really slimy and tastes of garlic. Finally it ended in the last hours of the night.By then it was raining and the bus was full of east-end Londoners smoking,urm,something. I got my ticket and sat down. The rain was beating down and I did have to kiss Antonio but I was surprisingly happy. Opening night went well and the applause was magnificent. A moment later the bus stopped and a tall, dark man came on the bus. His eyes had small black pupils surrounded by a sea of green. His eyelashes were short and his jaw was square. He took the seat next to me.
"Hello?" oh no, I was starring...and he noticed, "You okay like?"
"Ur...Fine thanks." I try to look away but I just can't. There's something about him. Something mysterious.
"I'm Dan by the way, you are?"
"Smith, Samara Smith."
Okay whats happening. Why is this 'Dan' talking to me? It's official, I've gone mad. I think someone 'cool' is talking to me! Alright calm down hes just making conversation...Now what the hell do I say!?
"So, do you come here often?" What Samara! That wasn't even funny let alone make sense!
"Oh yes. I find the late night seventy-seven D a great place to meet intelligible company! Ha ha!"
I laugh, a staggered but giggly, girlie laugh. He indicates toward the smokers at the back of the bus speaking in text language and even the smoke is wearing trackies.
"More intelligent that Einstein!" he laughs when I do but Then our eyes meet and we gaze for a moment. It's then I realize how beautiful he is in his own peculiar way. His ears are too big for his face and his eyes are far too small but still he's still beautiful.
The bus jerks to a halt and my seat rattles. Dan sighs, gets up and tilts his head.
"Bye Smith,Samria Smith." and with that he walks off the bus. I ache for a moment, wanting our conversation to last. He was funny and he didn't know me and that was the best part. I could be anyone with him. I wanted to go out in the rain with him. To see if he still looked beautiful through that diamond rain. But he pauses and waves, that comforts me strangely. And I can just about see his smile through the rain...I hope he can see mine.

Hey, Moonstar! I'm Sunny, and I shall be your reviewer today.

moonstar wrote:I took a deep breath. The air was humid so that breathing didn't really help, it just made me more nervous. Great, the last thing I need! I wipe my sweaty hands on my dress. My Que (I don't quite understand this, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be capitalized.). Oh no! I fake courage and strut on to the stage. My heels far too loudly stabbing the floor.
"You call, dearest." Great, I remember my line, I whoop for joy in my head."Oh why do we play these games? Why should you not whisk me away to Venice at last?"
With that I run forward and fling my arms over fellow actor Antonio's neck. Wow. They must me paying me [s]allot[/s] a lot for this. Antonio's hardly, for one of a better word, attractive. His face is normally covered in thick clusters of spots and greasy black hair unevenly waves from the top of his head. Thank God for the make-up department.
"Oh beauty of the night I shall..." And so the play went: kiss, walk, chat, move to Venice and die. [s]On[/s] Or until the [s]last[/s] late(?) hours of the night. (Space here) By then it was raining (You need more description here. How was it raining? What did it smell like? How did it look?) and the bus was full of east-end Londoners smoking[s],urm,[/s] (Here just put an ellipsis.) something. I got my ticket and sat down. The rain was beating down and though I did have to kiss Antonio, [s]but[/s] I was surprisingly happy. Opening night had gone [s]went[/s] well and the applause was magnificent. A moment later the bus stopped and a tall, dark man came on the bus. He took the seat next to me. (You better describe him more, from a stranger's perspective.)
"Hello?" Oh no, I was starring...and he noticed, "You okay like?" (Who said this? Please, just put "The man said" or "I said". It's confusing.)
[s]Oh no, what do I say?[/s]
"Ur...Fine, thanks." I try to look away but I just can't. There's something about him. (You going to say what the something is? Right now in my head I'm picturing a man without a face or anything interesting about him. It's making me kind of disinterested.)
"I'm Dan, by the way. You are?"
"Smith, Samara Smith."
Okay, [s]whats[/s] what's happening? Why is this 'Dan' talking to me? All right, calm down. He's just making conversation...Now what the hell do I say!?
"So, do you come here often?" What Samara! That wasn't even funny let alone make sense!
"Oh yes. I find the late night seventy-seven D a great place to meet intelligible company! Ha ha!"
I laugh, a staggered but giggly, girlie laugh. He indicates toward the smokers at the back of the bus speaking in text language and smoke.
"More intelligent that Einstein!" )This makes no sense and it's not really funny.) he laughs when I do but then our eyes meet and we gaze for a moment. It's then I realize how beautiful he is in his own peculiar way. His ears are too big for his face and his eyes are far too small but still he's still beautiful.
The bus jerks to a halt and my seat [s]rattels[/s] rattles. Dan sighs, gets up and tilts his head.
"Bye Smith, (space here) Samria Smith." and with that he walks off the bus. But he pauses and waves. And I can just about see his smile through the rain...I hope he can see mine.

OVERALL: This is a good beginning. I think you need to expand on the first acting part, put emphasis on the main character's feelings about what she's doing. And you seriously need to watch your punctuation and grammar. I corrected more of that than anything else. Also add a little more description, such as the bus and the rain and above all the man.

Hope this helped. PM me with any questions.

~Sunny

I think it's pretty good so far the only thing that i would change after Sunny is..

"His ears are too big for his face and his eyes are far too small but still he's still beautiful."
I think this line has too many 'still' s in it. just finish that up and i think it will be good

Hey moonstar!

I liked your beginning. You could have added a few more details about the acting part, but otherwise, you did a fairly good job.

"Hello?" oh no, I was starring...and he noticed, "You okay like?"

A few mistakes here. I think you meant staring, right? Not starring. Here are the corrections, though I didn't really know what you meant by, "You okay like?" I'm not so sure about the dots either, but I wouldn't know how to fix them.

"Hello?" Oh, no, I was staring... and he noticed. "You okay like?"

I'm just going to quote everything and try to correct the mistakes I see.

I took a deep breath. The air was humid so that breathing didn't really help, it just made me more nervous. Great, thelast thing I need! I wipe my sweaty hands on my dress. My Que. Oh, no! I fake courage and strut on to the stage. My heels far too loudly stabbing the floor.(this sounds a bit weird. Maybe "My heels stabbing the floor far too loudly," or something like that. Or even better, combine it with the first sentence, like this: "I fake courage and strut onto the stage, my heels stabbing the floor far too loudly.")

"You call (called maybe?) dearest." Great, I remember my line, andI whoop for joy in my head,"Oh why do we play these games? Why should you not whisk me away to Venice at last?"

With that I run forward and fling my arms over fellow actor Antonio's neck. Wow, they must me paying me [s]allot[/s]a lot for this. Antonio's hardly, for one of a better word, attractive. His face is normally covered in thick clusters of spots and greasy black hair [s]unevenly waves[/s] from the top of his head. Thank God for the make-up department.

"Oh beauty of the night I shall..." and so the play went:kiss, walk, chat, move to Venice and die. But that hour seemed to drag on for decades. I must have waited in those stuffy stage wings for at least a millennium! I seized to believe that i hadn't aged at all. I remember Antonio mouthing something to me...But I couldn't make it out because of all the acne. Then came my finale Que: Antonio's characters death... If only this scene could be real life!

"OH my love! You seem so cold, Let my breath be the last you breath so that forever, in heaven we'll be!" I tried my hardest not to squirm as I kissed him. But his acne was surprisingly sharp and hurt my face. Oh no! He just stuck his tongue in my mouth. Oh my god! It's really slimy and tastes of garlic. Finally it ended in the last hours of the night.By then it was raining and the bus was full of east-end Londoners smoking,urm,something. I got my ticket and sat down. The rain was beating down and I did have to kiss Antonio but I was surprisingly happy. Opening night went well and the applause was magnificent. A moment later the bus stopped and a tall, dark man came on the bus. His eyes had small black pupils surrounded by a sea of green. His eyelashes were short and his jaw was square. He took the seat next to me.

"Hello?" oh no, I was starring...and he noticed, "You okay like?"

"Ur...Fine thanks." I try to look away but I just can't. There's something about him. Something mysterious.

"I'm Dan, by the way, you are?"

"Smith, Samara Smith."

Okay, what's happening? Why is this 'Dan' talking to me? It's official, I've gone mad. I think someone 'cool' is talking to me! Alright, calm down, he's just making conversation...Now what the hell do I say!?

"So, do you come here often?" What Samara! That wasn't even funny, let alone make sense!

"Oh yes. I find the late night seventy-seven D a great place to meet intelligible company! Ha ha!"

I laugh, a staggered but giggly, girlie laugh. He indicates toward the smokers at the back of the bus speaking in text language and even the smoke is wearing trackies.

"More intelligent that Einstein!" he laughs when I do but then our eyes meet and we gaze at each other for a moment. It's then I realize how beautiful he is in his own peculiar way. His ears are too big for his face and his eyes are far too small but still he's still beautiful.

The bus jerks to a halt and my seat rattles. Dan sighs, gets up, and tilts his head.

"Bye Smith,Samria Smith." and with that he walks off the bus. I ache for a moment, wanting our conversation to last. He was funny and he didn't know me and that was the best part. I could be anyone with him. I wanted to go out in the rain with him. To see if he still looked beautiful through that diamond rain. But he pauses and waves, that comforts me strangely. And I can just about see his smile through the rain...I hope he can see mine.

Overall: I like this. Can't wait to read what happens next!

zOe

Hey, Moonstar. I'm here as requested. Unfortunately, I have to say that I can only spot a few changes, like the extended acting scene. I'm still seeing a lack of correct puncuation, plus you are confusing your tenses, but I'll address that later.

moonstar wrote:I took a deep breath. The air was humid so that breath didn't really help; it just made me more nervous. (How does air being humid make her nervous? Because she can't breathe in enough to make her calm? Please explain, it sounds funny by itself.) Great, last thing I need! I wipe my sweaty hands on my dress. My [s]Que[/s] cue. Oh no! I fake courage and strut on to the stage. My heels far too loudly stabbing the floor.

[b](Okay, right now I'm going to tell you about the tense problem. You are switching back and forth between present and past tense. I'll give examples:

Past- "I took a deep breath. The air was so that breath didn't really help, it just made me more nervous." "Took" as in "I did take" instead of just "take." Di you see? These are things that did happen, that aren't happening right now.

Present- "Great, the last thing I need! I wipe my sweaty hands on my dress. My cue. Oh no! I fake courage and strut out to the stage. My heels far t
"You call dearest." great, I remember my line, I whoop for joy in my head,"Oh why do we play these games. Why should you not whisk me away to Venice at last?"
With that I run forward and fling my arms over fellow actor Antonio's neck. Wow They must me paying me allot for this. Antonio's hardly, for one of a better word, attractive. His face is normally covered in thick clusters of spots and greasy black hair unevenly waves from the top of his head. Thank God for the make-up department.
"Oh beauty of the night I shall..." and so the play went:Kiss, walk, chat, move to Venice and die. But that hour seemed to drag on for decades. I must have waited in those stuffy stage wings for at least a millennium! I seized to believe that i hadn't aged at all. I remember Antonio mouthing something to me...But I couldn't make it out because of all the acne. Then came my finale Que: Antonio's characters death... If only this scene could be real life!
"OH my love! You seem so cold, Let my breath be the last you breath so that forever, in heaven we'll be!" I tried my hardest not to squirm as I kissed him. But his acne was surprisingly sharp and hurt me face. Oh no! He just stuck his tongue in my mouth. Oh my god! It's really slimy and tastes of garlic. Finally it ended in the last hours of the night.By then it was raining and the bus was full of east-end Londoners smoking,urm,something. I got my ticket and sat down. The rain was beating down and I did have to kiss Antonio but I was surprisingly happy. Opening night went well and the applause was magnificent. A moment later the bus stopped and a tall, dark man came on the bus. His eyes had small black pupils surrounded by a sea of green. His eyelashes were short and his jaw was square. He took the seat next to me.
"Hello?" oh no, I was starring...and he noticed, "You okay like?"
"Ur...Fine thanks." I try to look away but I just can't. There's something about him. Something mysterious.
"I'm Dan by the way, you are?"
"Smith, Samara Smith."
Okay whats happening. Why is this 'Dan' talking to me? It's official, I've gone mad. I think someone 'cool' is talking to me! Alright calm down hes just making conversation...Now what the hell do I say!?
"So, do you come here often?" What Samara! That wasn't even funny let alone make sense!
"Oh yes. I find the late night seventy-seven D a great place to meet intelligible company! Ha ha!"
I laugh, a staggered but giggly, girlie laugh. He indicates toward the smokers at the back of the bus speaking in text language and even the smoke is wearing trackies.
"More intelligent that Einstein!" he laughs when I do but Then our eyes meet and we gaze for a moment. It's then I realize how beautiful he is in his own peculiar way. His ears are too big for his face and his eyes are far too small but still he's still beautiful.
The bus jerks to a halt and my seat rattles. Dan sighs, gets up and tilts his head.
"Bye Smith,Samria Smith." and with that he walks off the bus. I ache for a moment, wanting our conversation to last. He was funny and he didn't know me and that was the best part. I could be anyone with him. I wanted to go out in the rain with him. To see if he still looked beautiful through that diamond rain. But he pauses and waves, that comforts me strangely. And I can just about see his smile through the rain...I hope he can see mine.