My first poem

I am a new writer, and recently I decided to release my pent up emotions with writing this is my first go,I don't have a title yet


I Love
I Hate
I try so hard
I fall so far
how long?
Since I felt that way
Why?
does happiness hide?
up and down
back around
It never stays
just flies away
Why?
was it not enough
I gave my all
I only fall
Why?
does happiness hide?

Hi, Zaneman! Welcome to YWS!

Like most poetry, Zane, there were things I liked about this and things I didn't. I did like how you expressed a tone through short lines and an interesting structure, without being blatantly obvious with your words.

To be honest, I personally don't like it in poetry when "Why?" is asked as an open question. It's okay, but to be honest, I think it's making the poet sound uncertain. Let the audience wonder why on their own, dear, and use your creativity to create a powerful image that your readers will remember.

I understand that the person speaking in this poem is lost/confused a bit, but! I think that if you dropped the rhyme you use in here, dear, you would have a much, much easier time with this. Rhyming poems limit you extensively. It's always incredibly fun to break from limits and roar your heart out in poetry. Nevertheless, your rhyme was subtle. Nice job on that.

Overall, I do think you did a good job. It really does sound like the product of pent emotions and such. I hope you keep writing, and do practice poetry. I don't doubt that with some practice, your work could be excellent.

June

I liked this part:

zaneman wrote:
Why?
does happiness hide?
up and down
back around

I can see you turning doing circles looking for the 'happiness'.
Neat. Anyways, what i'd like to see is for you to go deeper with this.
Really dig in. Go deeper. Its light and simple and kind of stirs the top of the water.
I think you should jump down into the depths of the well.
And pull up some words from the bottom.

hello.

That's really good for your first go! As a new writer the best things you can do is look at the resources page, and especially for poetry look up poetic devices, this can help you to understand what we all mean, if you don't already.

This poem was really good, and was full of emotion, it expressed what was needed which is really good, it wasn't too long or too short it was just right

well done

hi zaneman,
your poem is good for the first one you have written but i suggest that you write about more deep stuff, put more emotion into it lets your heart out. for instance write about what happiness your exactly looking for like what would make you happy or what is keeping you from being happy or what you think could be keeping you away from it. either way your poem was really good. and welcome to yws =)

Thank you so much for all the praise! I really appreciate it, it really makes me feel good about my writing, I am starting on a second poem with the advice you have given me, in the meantime ill review some other peoples works, because thats what makes the forum go round!

Hey zaneman! Welcome to YWS!

Firstly, be sure that you have posted 2 reviews before posting a new piece of work.

Now, back to the poem...

Honestly, I didn't like this. There were too many questions and the choice of words seemed messed up. I understand that you wrote this to 'pent your emotions,' but while it may mean something to you, other readers might not understand it fully and could get confused.

Problems that I noticed in your poem:

I) Organization
I think you have a good idea somewhere, but the problem is, you might have a problem writing it down. If you encounter something like this, construct your poem on a piece of paper - in short, a draft, and when you enter it into the computer, you can make some changes.

II) Language
You could try experimenting with colourful language, such as similes and metaphors to make your poem more interesting.

Overall, this poem could use some polishing. You could also try reading works of other poets to improve yourself .

Keep writing!