Pretty Polly

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“Oh Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right.
Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right.
I dug on your grave the best part of last night.”


Luther sang.
The black girl was leaned up against a tree, watching them as they dug.
The moon was cold, unripe. And the constellations fidgety, coming in and out, new and shy as débutantes. The new november laid in the ground and frosted the unshaded spaces with runes and glyphs of thin ice. Two boys dug a hole. Great bellies of cold breath rising up. The black girl sat breathless, dress torn, topography of her chest and stomach revealed.
Luther scooped out a shovelful of earth and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.
Fer the love of God, Jed, he whispered. Close that slut's eyes, will ye? Can't barely think straight with that yellow-eyed nigger starin me down.
Jed looked away, into the empty sockets of the coal-trunked woods. He licked his lips. Looked down at Luther.
I cain't stand to look at her, let alone put my hands on her. You do it.
Luther grunted. You weren't so loathe to touch her a little while ago, ye bastard.
Another shovelful.
He threw the shovel onto the bank of dirt and climbed out of the hole and walked over to the dead black girl. Yellow orbs like dying suns. Luther stared back at her for a moment. The night drew in. Slow, wingless leaves dropped from the winter branches of the trees like dark alms. Luther closed the girls eyes with his hands. In the moonlight, he could see the hatchetmark on the plate of her skull, glistening like new tar. He stood up and looked around. Jed was crouched by the hole looking away and shivering. He was barefoot. His hands were dark with blood, sealed, holding them away like foreign, drying traitors. He was no more than fifteen and he wore the hatchet in his belt, skeined with blood.
An oil lamp with a doodling tongue of light spat skyward by his side.
Owls spoke their low passwords in the cradled trees.
Luther spat.
I reckon that's deep enough.
Jed nodded.
Luther looked at the hole and walked over to Jed and sat down beside him. The smell of night and wet dirt. Stiff crackling of blood-dried clothing.
Listen, Jed. What's done is done. She's dead. Ain't no goin back. She just another dead nigger. No one gonna miss her. They'll look around and reckon her for another runaway. Her momma'll cry and moan and her father will go out an look for her an aint no one gonna care cause she's just another poor black whore. Not the judges or the cops or the lawmen. You got that? We killed her. Everyone kills colored folks. Why, godssakes, in Missouri it's practically a sport!
Jed spat.
Luther looked away. You'll speak nothing of this, ain't that right? Not a word.
I cain't hold this inside, Luther. I gotta tell someone. I gotta tell someone or I think I'll die.
Well, talk to me about it.
Aw, hell.
Luther smiled. Okay. Shore. You go tell someone. You go on and tell your mammy and scare the blessed gospel out of her. You go damn yourself to your father, your brother. You go on and whisper it to the reeds and catch the reeds whispering it right back. Godssakes, Jed, you do whatever the hell you want.
What have we done?
Not a word, said Luther.
Jed groaned and put his head in his hands. The blue, reptile night crawled in on its belly and Luther could see the oil lamp growing sick and nervous, curtseying. Coyotesounds. Creaking, elderly trees, gossiping little rumors of moonlight through their squandered branches. The black girl slumbered.
Help me bury her, Luther said.
What have we done?
Jed was shaking, trembling. Lip scoured and shuffling his fingers in his hands like playingcards. Nodding his head like a wedding bell. No, no, no. What have we done? We gotta tell someone. What was her name?
The black girl sat unfigured and mum as a math equation. She was missing one shoe. Her sock was dirty and sagging down her leg.
Woodsmoke in the air.
Luther dragged the black girl by her ankles, head knocking and skipping obscenely against the roots, revealed and sticking out like wrists. Whitest teeth in the moonlight. He dragged her over to Jed and Jed whimpered and cowered and Luther asked for the hatchet.
I'll bury it all myself.
Jed just kept shaking his head and saying no, no, no.
Give me the hatchet, you yellow bastard.
no, no, no
Godssakes, give it to me! Luther screamed and kicked Jed until he fumbled the hatchet out of his belt and handed it to the other boy. Luther took the hatchet and Jed trembled and the moon clothed them with blue, quiet petticoats. Luther swore and kicked Jed again.
Gotta do everthin myself. Yer a coward and a murderer, Jed Fuslom. And yer gonna burn in hell.
Jed looked up.
Luther swung the hatchet at him.
His skull cracked like a stubborn shellfish. Dull, red cesarean. Luther pulled the hatchet away, revealing pink frontal lobes, like the petals of touched flowers. The trees hushed. The moon wide and pale as an undertaker. Luther tossed the hatchet into the hole and shoved the black girl into the hole and also Jed, still warm, still breathing. He shook his head. He whistled. He whistled and shoveled. He covered up their faces last – horrible and sketched, brooched eyes and red cardinal's hats of matted blood.
Luther sang:

“Oh Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right.
Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right.
I dug on your grave the best part of last night.”
Last edited by Kylan on Fri Jul 17, 2009 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hi Kylan. This is me, dropping in for a quick review.

So, you said that you thought I might like this story. And I do. It's a well written piece, as are all of your works anymore. Believe me when I say if you ever write something bad, I will probably call you out for it straight away.

But, despite it being a well written story, it is rather hard to stay with. We aren't really given a reason to relate to Jed and Luther. We just discussed this about Blood Meridian, how the characters are somewhat hard to relate to. And even though Jed isn't even a bad person, his grief seems rather generic. A lot of this would be fixed if you could give us some motivation as to why they killed the black girl in the first place. Was it a crime of passion? A horrible accident? A purposeful murder? By illuminating the circumstances surrounding their involvement in her death, you can help us relate to them better.

But other than that, in spite of that, I'd say, this story was one of your better efforts. You just need to give it a few tweaks. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Faith restored.

This is my favorite thing that I've ever read by you.

Close that slut's eyes, will ye?
"Ye"? This gives off kind of a Bible/pirate feel. Don't you mean something more like "yeh" or "yuh"?

Luther closed the girls eyes with his hands.
I know you understand grammar, Kylan, and I know that your unorthodox use of it has a purpose, but why is there no apostrophe in "girls"?

Luther smiled. Okay. Shore. You go tell someone. You go on and tell your mammy and scare the blessed gospel out of her. You go damn yourself to your father, your brother. You go on and whisper it to the reeds and catch the reeds whispering it right back. Godssakes, Jed, you do whatever the hell you want.

What have we done?

Not a word, Luther.
I really love Luther's dialogue here. But then I get confused. Jed says, "What have we done?" So isn't it Luther saying, "Not a word"? So shouldn't it say, "Not a word, Jed"?

Luther swung the hatchet at him.
What?! What a lovely surprise!

Okay, the reason why I loved this so much is because of your descriptions. I missed them in Down by the Lake, I did. But in some of your other stuff I think there are too many and maybe not enough narrative. But there was good balance in this story. I felt like all your descriptive details about the setting were perfect. They were focused. They fit the mood & added to it. This is my favorite part:
The blue, reptile night crawled in on its belly and Luther could see the oil lamp growing sick and nervous, curtseying. Coyotesounds. Creaking, elderly trees, gossiping little rumors of moonlight through their squandered branches.


I agree somewhat with what Conrad Rice said about your characters. It takes a few lines to realized that Jed is nervous, so it kind of comes off as if his feelings are "out of nowhere". Their motivations are unclear, but I don't necessarily feel like you as the author were trying to show us their motivation. This is one snapshot out of a larger story & I don't think it's necessary to understand everything. I think you give us enough.

I love Luther's character and the development of the reader's understanding of him as the story progresses. His dialogue is really strong the whole time. I don't know what to make of him, but I feel like he's really real and tangible.

The ending is strong. I like the way the song has a new irony in relation to Jed.

Great stuff.
-Rachel
"He found his voice tended either to disappear or to come out too loud." -William Golding




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Hey Ky,

Been a while since I stopped by, but here I am once more. I enjoyed this latest offering, but it didn't really blow me away. Character-wise and setting-wise, I'm not really feeling anything new. It seems to me that the clear majority of your writing exists in this one place, on a dark night, with some grammar-deprived, fundamentally religious -but murderous - yokel. And on the one hand, I don't mind because its so fun to read but on the other, I'm a little annoyed at seeing such fantastic imagery wasted in a setting that's becoming, for me, a touch tired. Just how you manage to keep the level of that description so high and different, each time, is something I struggle to understand because some of it damn near takes my breath away.

It's almost enough for me to say, stay away from story! You're a poet! But then, great imagery is wasted more there than here, when it can be attached to or fantastically embroider a new story. And so I begin this critique by saying I really would love to see you go elsewhere - away from the desert, from the seemingly timeless vistas and characters you love writing about (just for a little while!) and stretch into something new, and dare I ask, modern-feeling?

First off, "The moon was cold, unripe." - annoys me. There's nothing quite wrong with it but the structuring of it, just after two other short sentences, jarrs a bit too much for my liking. It's just the unripe bit I'm unhappy with really, I think an 'and' in between the two would do a world of good but I'm being picky, I know.

And the constellations fidgety, coming in and out, new and shy as débutantes.


fidget, or fidgeted.

You weren't so loathe to touch her a little while ago,[s] ye bastard.[/s]


I don't like the tail-end of this dialogue, "ye" just feels strange and alien in this place. I feel like it should end in "heh" or a chuckle or even just an "eh?"

Listen, Jed. What's done is done. She's dead. Ain't no goin back. She just another dead nigger. No one gonna miss her. They'll look around and reckon her for another runaway. [s]Her momma'll cry and moan and her father will go out an look for her an aint no one gonna care cause she's just another poor black whore. Not the judges or the cops or the lawmen.[/s] You got that? We killed her. [s]Everyone kills colored folks. Why, godssakes, in Missouri it's practically a sport![/s]


Initially, I felt this whole block was amateur and should be deleted, mostly because in reading this piece fairly quickly, it feels like it pretty much came out of the blue. In going over it again slowly, I see you left a fair few indications of Jed's unease, which is great, but that subtlety is pretty much demolished in this paragraph. And considering Luther's character, taking into account said subtlety, I question whether he'd have picked up on it so quickly which in turn, is why I feel "Jed spat." should come first. Or some other indication of Jed's unease.

Hm. I'm unsure now, I mean I indicated via striking what I consider to be the most glaringly unnecessary bits - so if you want to keep some of it, then, my choice would be that which I've left untouched but actually, I'm going to suggest you delete the whole thing now. This whole piece is characterised by sparse dialogue and great, sharp descriptions so this unwieldy paragraph of dialogue isn't really needed at all. Look at the piece without it and see if you like how much smoother it runs.

--

Anyways, aside from those little things and my general desire to see you go elsewhere creatively, I really enjoyed this - truly some fantastic descriptive passages here my friend. Sharper than usual even.

Good stuff and good luck.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Here I am, Kylan. Going out of order because I'm a creeper. <3

I. Little Things

Great bellies of cold breath rising up.


I don't think this quite works because the reader expects the 'great bellies' to be referring to the people you've just been describing. I know that 'clouds' is way too lackluster for this sentence, but I think you might want to consider rephrasing it.

Yellow orbs like dying suns.


I am unsure as to what this is referring to. oO; Is it suppose to refer to the girl's eyes, because if so, does it make sense that they are yellow? I don't know anyone with yellow eyes, and I'm sure it's possible. I just don't know if that's what you intended. Did you mean the oil lamp? If so, was there more than one? I don't know. Please clear this up.

Luther closed the girls eyes with his hands.


*girl's

In the moonlight, he could see the hatchetmark on the plate of her skull, glistening like new tar.


I think that if you wanted to add a little more description, this would be a good place to describe how the darkness makes everything seem black or more dull. The problem is, though, that later you describe the colors of the blood, and I don't know that they'd be bright red, maybe a maroonish, or maybe black if there was a big lack of light. Anyways, here you use 'tar', which to me is most appropriate.

An oil lamp with a doodling tongue of light spat skyward by his side.


Doodling kind of breaks the tone of the rest. I don't think something sophisticated like 'twistedsophisticadely' would work {please excuse me, I couldn't think of a good word}, but something between doodled and sophistication would be good.

Her momma'll cry and moan and her father will go out an look for her an aint no one gonna care cause she's just another poor black whore.


Huh, this seemed awkward. Why would Luther think of this to comfort Jed? Why would he think of it at all? He's set on digging that hole, isn't he? Or is he also thinking about the repercussions of the murder, if just for a moment? If that's not what you were trying to imply, I don't know that this really fits.

Why, godssakes, in Missouri it's practically a sport!


The words 'why' and 'practically' both do the same thing for this sentence -- they both add that tone of 'oh, silly', and I don't like the sound of this sentence with BOTH of them. Take out one or the other. Read it aloud and you might see what I mean.

You'll speak nothing of this, ain't that right? Not a word.


'You'll speak nothing of this' seems a bit too sophisticated for Luther. Try toning it down just a bit.

Luther dragged the black girl by her ankles, head knocking and skipping obscenely against the roots, revealed and sticking out like wrists.


You need to make it clear that the roots are sticking out, and not the girl or her ankles. xD

Something like 'skipping obscenely against the revealed roots that stuck out like wrists'. It's not as flow-y, but it's a lot clearer. :]

Luther screamed and kicked Jed until he fumbled the hatchet out of his belt and handed it to the other boy.


'To the other boy' sounds misplaced, and saying 'boy' when we've been left to contemplate the ages of Jed and Luther this whole time kind of ruins the reader's image. I think you might want to just say 'handed it over' because you say that Luther takes it in the next sentence anyway.

still breathing


oO; !! REALLY!? Ahhh, creepy.

II. Big Things

-- Nothing?

There aren't really any big, recurring things I can comment on in this piece, because it's well done. I suppose, overall, it doesn't leave a long-lasting impression on me, but it's quality {and there's no denying that}. It's just that I don't find a bigger message behind it that I've found with other works of yours, and I suppose that makes me feel like it's a pretty blanket with nothing to cover. Maybe I'm missing that deeper thing, but I don't know.

PM me if you have any questions regarding this review!

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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Hi, Kylan. I'm ashamed to admit I haven't read that many things by you. I think I really should, if they're all like this. :P


“Oh Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right.

Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right.

I dug on your grave the best part of last night.”


Luther sang.


The "Luther sang" feels really out of place there, because you'd usually have "[insert song]," Luther sang. Formatting it like that would kind of ruin the starting mood in my opinion, though. And I don't think changing it to "Luther was singing" would really help either. I'm just craving for something that tells me it's Luther who's singing, and doesn't stand out in a bad way. Give me that something, will you?


The new november laid in the ground


November should be capitalized. :P


Why, godssakes, in Missouri it's practically a sport!


I didn't really like this line. The tone seems too different from the rest of the speech. Just replacing the exclamation mark to a period would help a lot, but I'd still rather scratch this line if I were you.


Help me bury her, Luther said.


This, again, seems somehow funny coming from Luther. I can't really explain it, I guess it's just in what it looks like when typed, no matter how odd that might sound. Because, you know, seeing how I've got to know Luther so far, something as pleading as "help me" doesn't fit him at all. When I was reading this, I was wondering whether it would sound better as "Bury her with me", but I don't really know about it. it's tricky.


Jed just kept shaking his head and saying no, no, no.

Give me the hatchet, you yellow bastard.

no, no, no


At this point, I knew how this would end. To me, that's necessarily not a good thing – well, I don't actually know whether it would be good to anyone – because I like those stories where the ending completely comes behind the tree. That way it's much more effective and makes sure I won't forget the story in a while.


Luther screamed and kicked Jed until he fumbled the hatchet out of his belt and handed it to the other boy.


I actually sort of like the whole "the other boy" thing, because it reminds the reader again of how young these kids are and brings it the additional eerieness it wouldn't have without the age aspect.


Luther tossed the hatchet into the hole and shoved the black girl into the hole


The repetition might be there as a special effect, but never mind – it doesn't sound good.


He covered up their faces last


Hmm?


So. In any case, Kylan, I was really delighted to read something as impressive as this. That's just what I needed, too. I wasn't particularly missing any more info about Jed and/or Luther, I found their lines and actions just enough to make up my mind about them.

I don't have anything more to say overall. I was impressed, and I'll be even more sure now to check out your other stuff. Thanks for the read! *licks*


Demeter
xxx
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This is actually a really strange story and i attribute part of that to both the ending and to the writing style.

I think you should probably add quotation marks when people are speaking for the sake of the reader if no other, and also i think there are too many line-breaks and one word paragraphs which seem quite superfluous in various parts of the story.

Sorry to nit-pick but i guess it's better than somebody saying it was a perfect story, but i'll give my opinion at the end i guess, for closures sake. Also i think the ending is a few paragraphs early because the two boys digging the grave don't seem to be on bad terms. Don't get me wrong, i'm all for spontaneous death, but i just think maybe a bit more bickering was needed before a sweet, and possibly painless hatchet to the skull.

But look to be honest i liked the tale, i thought it had a really nice opening, very Fitzgerald-esque but not too wordy either and the idea was quite nice. Good job, Buddy.




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I'm not sure if it was meant to be that way but I found it a bit hard to read without quotation marks.

I liked this story. I got sucked right in.
I have a few nit-picks.

You say that both of the boys were digging the hole
Two boys dug a hole. Great bellies of cold breath rising up.
. but how I see it is that Jed is having a nervous breakdown and Luther is doing all the shoveling.

and then:
Give me the hatchet, you yellow bastard.


This almost made me laugh.. I think the word "Yellow" isn't actually needed here, it makes it sound a tad bit odd.


Then also:
Jed, still warm, still breathing.
How Come he's still breathing he was killed by a hit in the head, savagely destroying his brain. He shouldn't be breathing.

This wasn't much of a review I know and I'm sorry, If I was of no help.
But all in all it was a magnificent piece.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-




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topography
The word does not fit.

Why, godssakes, in Missouri it's practically a sport!
This sentence sort of shrugs off the seriousness of the paragraph. I read that paragraph as if he was trying to convince his friend of something that he himself wasn't convinced off, and this sentence seems very out of place here.

Jed just kept shaking his head and saying no, no, no.
Should be: Jed shook his head. "No, no, no..."

Amazing? Gold star, definitely! I loved the mood--your words are so beautifully eerie, so fitting, so lovingly contentious. <3 This is the best thing I've ever read of yours. Simply superb.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away



You never really know how much of you takes residence in other people... We all exchange bits and pieces of ourselves with each other until we're big sparkly collages of everyone and everything we've ever loved
— GengarTheGhost