my world

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Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:59 pm

dogs says... · Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:59 pm

My world is shattered.
My life is broken.
My heart is filled,
with your desires and lies.

Your bright blue eyes,
now a crimson red.
Your innocent face,
now a murderous stare.
Your wondrous joys,
now deceitful lies.

you ripped my heart in half.
you broke me like a mirror.
you threw me away like trash.

I know that you'll come back.
I know you'll try to claim me again.
I know you'll do the same thing.
but by than, I'll know better.

I hope you do come back.
I hope you try to do it again.
Than i can kill you,
in my own joyful ways .

Last edited by dogs on Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Greyed

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Points 890

Reviews 3

Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:21 pm

Greyed says... · Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:21 pm

i really liked the

Your bright blue eyes,

now a crimson red.

Your innocent face,

now a murderous stare.

very simple, but just showed the exact opposites
also just the ending paragraph. ive felt that way many times.

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Angels-Symphony

Gender

Points 4362

Reviews 263

Thu Jul 16, 2009 11:02 pm

Angels-Symphony says... · Thu Jul 16, 2009 11:02 pm

My world is shattered.
My life is broken.
My heart is filled,

This is really tell-y, dogs. You know the difference, I've seen you review.

with you desires and lies.

I think you mean "your"

I hope you try to do it again.
Than i can kill you,
in my own joyful ways .

*then
-----------

Dogs, you're being really tell-y and this idea is really cliche. You need to add your own twists to this and express yourself. Make blood your ink and put all emotions into this.

-Shina

You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.

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bludragon525

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Points 3121

Reviews 108

Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:08 am

bludragon525 says... · Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:08 am

Hey dogs!

This whole idea has been overused way too many times. If you really want to make it unique, add your own little twists and turns to it. Express your emotions in ways that you've never seen before. I know this sounds a little overwhelming, but it really is quite easy if you play with different imageries and word schemes.

I hope you do come back.

I hope you try to do it again.

Than i can kill you,

in my own joyful ways .

Seriously? Oh, come on. :evil:

That's the worst ending for a poem like this. Really. It's just so.... disturbing and sudden, I guess. First you're talking about how your heart's been broken in two, then you've gone all evil. And the killing part? *shudders* Rewrite that whole bit please.

Your wonderous joys,

What do you mean by joys?

Your bright blue eyes,

now a crimson red.

Your innocent face,

now a murderous stare.

"Now a" is a little too redundant. Different word choice, s'il vous plait.

I know that you'll come back.

I know you'll try to claim me again.

I know you'll do the same thing.

but by than, I'll know better.

Same situation. "I know" is a little too redundant.

Otherwise, that's about it. This actually has a lot of potential, it just needs some work.

Keep writing!

zOe :smt043

Help! I can't remember if I'm the evil twin or the good one!

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dogs

Gender

Points 52441

Reviews 662

Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:52 am

dogs says... · Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:52 am

thankyou greyed shina for your suggestions they were very helpful.

and ZOEY. for next time would you please actully give me a suggestion instead of just saying how bad it is it would be very helpful.

Thanks for all the help guys. i still really need critiques

Be a cool kid and do my Short Story Contest! viewtopic.php?f=404&t=97148&p=1122883#p1122883

"Quoth the Raven. Nevermore" - Edgar Allan Poe

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bludragon525

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Points 3121

Reviews 108

Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:58 am

bludragon525 says... · Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:58 am

I know Tucker. It's good, and I really like it. It just needs a little work, that's all. I'm not saying it's bad or anything.

Help! I can't remember if I'm the evil twin or the good one!

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dogs

Gender

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Reviews 662

Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:27 am

dogs says... · Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:27 am

well just please give some suggestions =D

Be a cool kid and do my Short Story Contest! viewtopic.php?f=404&t=97148&p=1122883#p1122883

"Quoth the Raven. Nevermore" - Edgar Allan Poe

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saily.kiwalkar

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 12

Fri Jul 17, 2009 6:29 pm

saily.kiwalkar says... · Fri Jul 17, 2009 6:29 pm

Hi!
I loved your poem.

The opposing ideas have been expressed well. I think you could change 'wondrous joys' to something better. It doesn't go with 'deceitful lies.'

The third paragraph was also expressed well.

I think you wanted to say 'then' instead of 'than' in the fourth paragraph.

Keep writing!

Live life on your terms coz you are responsible for it then...

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dogs

Gender

Points 52441

Reviews 662

Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:52 pm

dogs says... · Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:52 pm

dogs wrote:My world is shattered.
My life is broken.
My heart is filled,
with your desires and lies.

Your bright blue eyes,
now a crimson red.
Your innocent face,
now a murderous stare.
Your wondrous joys,
now deceitful lies.

you ripped my heart in half.
you broke me like a mirror.
you threw me away like trash.

I know that you'll come back.
I know you'll try to claim me again.
I know you'll do the same thing.
but by then, I'll know better.

I hope you do come back.
I hope you try to do it again.
Than i can kill you,
in my own joyful ways .

Be a cool kid and do my Short Story Contest! viewtopic.php?f=404&t=97148&p=1122883#p1122883

"Quoth the Raven. Nevermore" - Edgar Allan Poe

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FLyerS

Gender

Points 240

Reviews 98

Sat Jul 18, 2009 1:53 am

FLyerS says... · Sat Jul 18, 2009 1:53 am

Very good. I liked the second stanza.

Your bright blue eyes,
now a crimson red.
Your innocent face,
now a murderous stare.
Your wondrous joys,
now deceitful lies.

Oh! So cool. I'm part Twilighter, so I loved the 'crimson red' bit. Chills. Only part Twilighter though. I want to make a point of that.

Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.

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