a rap, based on society

I don’t need to dream the dream cos that’s what im living
got my future in my sight , money and lotsa women
but whos to say that , this is what were all dreaming
gangstas, rappers the media has us believing
that our lives aint great , and I think that’s typical
listen to my words don’t let my criticism be critical
but if you have a job, kids a family, a wife
what is there to dream , that’s all you need in life
weve turned in to a country , that’s devoted to greed
drug dealers on the streets, selling there leaves and there seeds
that there grinding , these are my thoughts that are unwinding
on the table for you to see

gang wars , knifes lives taken by guns
I don’t see the justice in taking a mothers son
I try to live in peace the best that I can
then tom and dick shoot harry ….tom! whos the bigger man?
the news keeps the focus upon these stories
putting knife crime in the spotlight , giving them glory
kids scared, buying weapons, leaving blood in there tracks
n the fear comes from the media…so whos fault is that?

why do we idolize the people that have nothing to live for?
instead of taking from the streets, why don’t we just give more?
were blaming everyone but our selves, that’s what the issue is
if a change isn’t with in us, then this problems continuous
we try to do good deeds, but are the deeds worth doing
when a doctor saves lives yet we find a way to sue him
and theres people playing the victim , leaving me in frustration
because adverts on the telly are advising compensation
if we just want a quick buck what kinda world are we living in
do you wanna live the dream? Or have you all just given in?

I don’t need to dream the dream cos that’s what im living
got my future in my sight , money and lotsa women
but whos to say that , this is what were all dreaming
gangstas, rappers the media has us believing
that our lives aint great , and I think that’s typical[b]

the only problem i found in this rap is this. the other sentences are very good, you explained in those sentences about violence in the world. i think its awesome acutally. but the one i qouted here, i don't find the relation with the others..

you're living the dream, then... i don't understand the connection. anyway, maybe i just didn't see your point there.

i think its great. Keep it up!



-therese

Nitpicks/things to point out:

sparky123231 wrote:but if you have a job, kids((,)) a family, a wife

sparky123231 wrote:weve ((we've)) turned in to a country , that’s devoted to greed

Isn't that the truth...

sparky123231 wrote:drug dealers on the streets, selling there leaves and there seeds

'their leaves and their seeds'

sparky123231 wrote:when a doctor saves lives yet we find a way to sue him

I liked this line a lot.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
Great on both fronts. Nothing sounded too forced or to rhymey-rhymey. The rhythm was great. It flowed really well. I could hear this rap going on in my head. I'm that big a fan of rap but it sounded pretty cool.

Topic/Overall:
Great topic, everything was so true and so well executed.
Overall, I really liked this. Like I said before, I'm not really that big of a rap fan but this wasn't that bad.
The only thing I want to point out is try to do a little more grammar. I know it's rap and it kind of goes against the 'normal rules' of song writing or whatever, but try to capitalize what needs to be capitalized and try to put in the proper apostrophes and what not. I marked a couple but not all of them.
Also, give it a name. Something that comes directly to my mind is 'The Woes of Society'. Use it if you want or come up with your own.
Gold star for you!

-Carly

I liked the rap song! I do also disagree with you on some stuff you wrote, But this is not a debate club so I wont. The rhyming was awesome. I am also glad that you rap about a good and a nice theme unlike many other rappers that think that they are gangsters and they can sing about drugs and raping hoes. I am very glad that you picked a good theme. I will give you a 4 out of 5 stars. Keep is up!

I thought that was great. Asides form a few grammatical things which have all already been corrected, I really liked the way you presented what's going on in the world today. How the media makes things worse by overdoing the drama, is what I've been thinking for a while, and you've presented it in a way that makes sense.

I think you could give this better grammar even though it is a rap song, just that it makes more sense written down, because at times I found it very difficult to read. But seriosly, well done, I thought this was great.

I liked this, a lot. I pretty much agree with everything that you said. It's so real and you rapped about stuff that is actually happening in the world. Famous rappers go on and on about all of their money and fame. None of that is real though, no one can relate to that stuff. I'm sure that so many people can relate to this rap.


"I don’t see the justice in taking a mothers son"
That's so true.


"these are my thoughts that are unwinding
on the table for you to see"
I love that.

"that there grinding..."

There were a few grammar errors, like above. 'There" should be they're.


Overall, it was really good.

I just wanted to add support for this. I thought it was really good; the topic was decent and I could easily place it to a tune in my head etc. The odd bit of missing punctuation I noticed has already been covered by the other reviewers so nothing more to add on that front. Just wondered if there was a chorus?

I read it to my brother, who absoutley loves rap, and he says it good=]. It was so right! people don't need a million dollars. which youre trying to tell us, rightt? We just need our family? well this is good, do you sing to?


--Jessie.

hey thanks jessie i sing too yea this rap is intended for a acoustic guitar backing
rather then a typical rnb beat

That was something special man! I really liked that rap. Although this is a rap, I enjoy rap that actually has a chorus. It had good rhyming, but at times it was just a tad inconsistence, syllable-wise. Great work! Keep it up!

I really enjoyed this piece bro.
The flow and rhyme was good and the topic is something that all of us can relate too.
Keep up the work dude.

allat waz fo reel da strate trooth yo. No, I really enjoyed the honesty of it all.

Okay, I'm not even going to attempt to correct all the punctuation and grammar mistakes. It's easy enough to do that yourself if you actually want to. Not trying to be mean, but it needs work. Probably the most common mistake is "there" for "their". "Their" is possessive, "there" is demonstrative(? That's what it's called, right...?) Other than that, the song was awesome.

gangstas, rappers the media has us believing

Honestly, you seem to be a rapper of some kind yourself. Not a 'gangsta', but still a rapper. lol, it's okay, I understand. Don't get rid of it, I'm just messing with you...

that our lives aint great , and I think that’s typical

listen to my words don’t let my criticism be critical

Like these lines.

but if you have a job, kids a family, a wife

what is there to dream , that’s all you need in life

weve turned in to a country , that’s devoted to greed

I'm glad somebody understands what it's all about.

drug dealers on the streets, selling there leaves and there seeds

that there grinding , these are my thoughts that are unwinding

on the table for you to see

Little bit strange wording on here, not sure if I like it or not. Half of me says yes, half says no.

gang wars , knifes lives taken by guns

Knives, not 'knifes'.

I don’t see the justice in taking a mothers son

I try to live in peace the best that I can

then tom and dick shoot harry ….tom! whos the bigger man?

First two lines are good. At first I thought you were talking about abortion... but after reading it twice I don't think so. (If I were writing it the song would have something about abortion...) I like the last line here.

instead of taking from the streets, why don’t we just give more?

were blaming everyone but our selves, that’s what the issue is

Cliched. Trust me. Not just the lyrics, but the wording. Especially on the first sentence.

if a change isn’t with in us, then this problems continuous

we try to do good deeds, but are the deeds worth doing

I like the first line here, not so much the second. It fits great in the song, but it's not a good way to say it at all. Any good deed is worth doing, no matter how small.

when a doctor saves lives yet we find a way to sue him

Best line of the song.

and theres people playing the victim , leaving me in frustration

because adverts on the telly are advising compensation

Also lovin' these lines.

if we just want a quick buck what kinda world are we living in

do you wanna live the dream? Or have you all just given in?

Strong, brilliant ending.

Overall, the song is great. Good rhythm, powerful, moralistic meaning. My kind of song. (Although I'm not totally into rap...) Have you written any music for the song?

The only issues I see are a few I mentioned and the grammar, other than that, keep writing, it's great.

Jamon
Teh Wozzinator

*Edit* Just read that it's going to be backed by acoustic guitar. Like a Mat Kearney thing? If so, awesome! Send me a copy if you get it recorded.

i like it, very deep and true.

Love it. Rap is my favorite, and I would definitely love to hear this some time on the radio. Go for it!