I feel alone

Every night when I come home,

I’m always feel so cold and alone.

I have no life outside of school,

Not like my mates that hang ‘round the mall.



No one at school knows the trouble I’m in,

It hurts me to think that I eat food from a bin.

Mum spends the money drinking and smoking,

We need money and I’m not joking.



It’s me that clean the house every day,

My friends have cleaners I can’t afford the pay.

I’m bottom of the class in all I do,

I feel so bad for my sisters are too.



My mum comes home and I get a beating,

for we have no food to be eating.

But if I had a chance to move to a family better than this,

I think I’d better give it a miss!

defendthelegend wrote:Every night when I come home,
I[s]’m[/s] always feel so cold and alone.
I have no life outside of school,
Not like my mates that hang ‘round the mall.

The rhyme here is terrible. Actually, that's not even a rhyme. Those are forced words with similar endings. The last verse is especially bad. It's bouncing from others and it's just culmination of a bad stanza. Another thing-this is like introduction of some kind, but it's all messed up. I mean-this is understandable to the reader, but it's really, really, really bad. Fix that.

defendthelegend wrote:No one at school knows the trouble I’m in,
It hurts me to think that I eat food from a bin.
Mum spends the money drinking and smoking,
We need money and I’m not joking.

All this reminds of those rock songs (AC/DC, 70's and 80's). This silly rhyme like smoking and joking sounds really...hmmm...not forced, but awkward and it should be much better.

defendthelegend wrote:My mum comes home and I get a beating,
for we have no food to be eating.
But if I had a chance to move to a family better than this,
I think I’d better give it a miss!

Don't know about you, but I won't.
Okay, that's it. That should definitely be in the lyrics section! I am trying, I really am, but I just don't find the drama in your poem. It's all this typical teen inspiration. And I bet your mom doesn't beat you. If she is beating you, this poem would be so much different (that's just an example, don't take it wrong).

Darko was pretty thorough. The rhyme scheme was forced, there was no rhythm to it, and there were several grammatical errors. For instance, you do not need to end every line with a period or a comma. You punctuate poetry in the same way you punctuate sentences. In addition, like Darko also already pointed out, it lacks drama. Just because the subject is "dramatic" does not mean than anything written about the subject will be dramatic.

I[s]’m[/s] always feel so cold and alone.

I have no life outside of school,
Not like my mates that hang ‘round the mall.

Double negative. You're essentially saying that the narrator has the exact same life as everyone else who hangs around the mall.

It’s me that cleans the house every day[s],[/s].
My friends have cleaners I can’t afford [s]the[/s] to pay.
I’m the bottom of the class in all I do[s],[/s];
I feel so bad for my sisters are too.

My mum comes home and I get a beating[s],[/s]
for we have no food to be eating. << This line is so obviously forced
But if I had a chance to move to a family better than this,
I think I’d better give it a miss!

The narrator is going to pass up being adopted into a better family? What?