Organ Eater

Organ Eater

You find yourself standing on a dark street corner. You see her, a lone woman walking through the empty midnight streets. A working girl, coming home after a long night of hard and sweaty work. You could smell the sex on her from a mile away. Your mind envisions how symphonic her screams must sound. You cannot wait any longer, you begin to speedily approach her. The woman freezes in her steps as you rush toward her. As she realizes what is happening it is all too late, you have your hands around her throat. She gasps for air desperately and claws at your arms with her sharp press on nails. You push her into an alley behind a tenement building and toss her to the ground. "Help!" She screams. "Somebody help me please!" You grin as her vain cries fall on deaf ears. "Do you really think they care? How many desperate cries in the night have you ignored?" You say as your grin grows wider. You pull a knife from your jacket pocket and bear down on her. You relish the sound of her agonised scream as you penetrate her soft flesh with the hard cold steel of your knife. She continues to struggle against you, to try to push you away but you are stronger then she is. It is a simple matter for you to force her to remain in place as you bring the knife in her belly slowly upward cutting open her body cavity. "Oh god! Oh god!" she screams as you reach your hand inside of her warm body, you can feel the movement of her organs around your hand, you imagine what it's like to put that special part of your body inside of the hole you cut. You unzip your pants and amid her agonized screams you rape her organs. Slowly the movement inside of her body cavity slows down and her screams stop. She lays beneath you, unmoving yet conscious as her life drains away. This is the moment that you have been waiting for, the thing that your sick mind cannot live without. You reach inside of her body cavity with both of your arms and wrap your hands around her organs. She violently spasms as you tug at her insides pulling them out of her body. Then you bend your head down to the bloody heap of organs and you lift them up to your mouth. You take a bite into her intestines, blood and fecal matter dribble down your face as you chew on them like a wild animal. After you have eaten your fill of her you stand up. The full moon illuminates the alley, for the first time you realize just how much blood you are covered in. You look straight up at the moon and begin to laugh like the lunatic you are.

End

Before we start, I think you might want to slap an ‘R’ rating on here with a warning. Many young people frequent this forum, and some don’t like reading about this kind of stuff. It’s only polite.

First of all, and this is only personal preference, I don’t particularly like the second-person. It reminds me of the games small children play, like “You are standing on top of a very tall building and then someone…pushes you!” or the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure series of books. I was half-expecting something at the end that said, “If you decide to look up, click here. If you decide to look to your right, click here.” Those kinds of stories are fun, but they don’t quite set a tone. If you’re really addressing the reader, it’s hard to keep things set in the right tone. By reading this, what are girls to do? How are they to imagine themselves unzipping their pants and raping someone’s organs? It’s pretty much physically impossible, making “you” a male. So you’ve already disconnected half of your potential audience right there. They are not going to connect with this story, which defeats the purpose of using the second-person in the first place. I’d like to ask: why the second person? Why not first-person or third-person from a defined character, or the third-person of an indifferent narrator? What does the second-person add to your story? Now here comes the nitpicking.

You could smell the sex on her from a mile away.

‘Could’ should be ‘can,’ seeing how you’re writing in the present tense.

You cannot wait any longer, you begin to speedily approach her. The woman freezes in her steps as you rush toward her. As she realizes what is happening it is all too late, you have your hands around her throat. She gasps for air desperately and claws at your arms with her sharp press on nails.

‘Begin to speedily approach her’ is such an awkward phrase and it the image it invokes isn’t really powerful. Maybe you should think about trying one strong verb instead of a string of weak words. The first to sentences end in similar ways, and it feels repetitive. I feel like you could rephrase one of them to add variety. There should be a comma after ‘happening’, and ‘press on’ should have a dash connecting the two words.

"Help!" She screams. "Somebody help me please!" You grin as her vain cries fall on deaf ears. "Do you really think they care? How many desperate cries in the night have you ignored?" You say as your grin grows wider.

Dialogue should always have a new paragraph.

It is a simple matter for you to force her to remain in place as you bring the knife in her belly slowly upward cutting open her body cavity. "Oh god! Oh god!" she screams as you reach your hand inside of her warm body, you can feel the movement of her organs around your hand, you imagine what it's like to put that special part of your body inside of the hole you cut.

See here? ‘Special part’ is certainly directed towards males. ‘Slowly upward cutting’ also sounds awkward. Maybe try slice, carve, score? Sometimes less is more. Try another word besides ‘scream’. Again, new paragraphs for speaking parts. ‘You can feel the movement…’ onwards should probably be a new sentence, that’s just too much for one.

You take a bite into her intestines, blood and fecal matter dribble down your face as you chew on them like a wild animal. After you have eaten your fill of her you stand up. The full moon illuminates the alley, for the first time you realize just how much blood you are covered in. You look straight up at the moon and begin to laugh like the lunatic you are.
End.

So the main character, whoever it is, acknowledges that what they do is wrong, calling themselves a ‘lunatic’ and ‘sick’? I’m not sure, but usually this goes against the cast for psychopaths. Many of them justify what they do, or just accept what they do as normal and part of them. I think that characterizing this person viewing themselves as utterly normal would add to the disturbing factor of the story. There should be a new sentence after ‘intestines’. The word ‘End’ is unnecessary. If there is nothing more to the story, the readers know they have reached the end.

Honestly, I know you were trying to make this disturbing and gory, but I found it lacking. Part of it could be because I’m a girl and as I mentioned before, feel disconnected from the story. As much as I hate to say it, it misses something. The concept itself makes me queasy and my stomach churn, but the writing feels a bit chronological, only noting events as they come. I wish I had an example of good gore fiction but it’s not my usual cup of tea so you’ll have to scout around for that. I recommend that you read and analyze how they author sets the tone of the situation, what literary tools they use to get their point across. Then imitate for a bit. Once you’re comfortable, try this again and see if it helps.

I’m sorry for the long ramble, but I hope I helped in some way. Best of luck to you,
Octo.

Wow. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'd be a hypocrite to say that this was sick, because a lot of the stuff i write myself contains graphic violence.

However i would say that maybe this would work better if it was fleshed out into a short story or novella. Give the protagonist a bit of a back story and perhaps a motive or reason for doing what he does, even if it's mearely that he's an escaped mental patient or something.

As for the raping of her organs. I'm not sure what was going through your head!

It has potential to be good little horror, so i'd say work on it a bit and see what you manage to come up with.

DDDDUUUUUUDDDDEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's hackin' sick, but in a TOTALLY awesome way! I love gore! The only part that threw me off was the "Raping the Organs" part. Dude, you have a sick and somewhat artistic mind when it comes to this kind of writing. I was seriously getting goosebumps reading this!
I don't think even Steven Kning could have come up with that sort of sick and twisted imagery.
I loved it! SOOOOO COOOL!!!!!!

Have you, by any chance, read any books by Karin Slaughter? Can't remember the name of the book but it involves someone's organs being raped. Actually, I didn't finish it because I'd read a more pacey book before and I found it to be a little dull.

First thing I noticed: It needs more paragraphs.

Dude, no one likes a solid wall of text! It immediately turns people away! Break it up!

Another thing is where you have different people speaking in this same paragraph. Not good.

You cannot wait any longer, you begin to speedily approach her.

First nit-pick: perhaps change the comma to an "and" to make it flow better.

The woman freezes in her steps as you rush toward her.

We don't need the "in her steps" - it just confuses us.

As she realizes what is happening it is all too late, you have your hands around her throat.

Slow reaction time much. Maybe say how she staggered back or something, as this excites him more as it's like the hunter closing in on his prey. This also shows her being nervous about this man striding towards her.

You grin as her vain cries fall on deaf ears. "Do you really think they care? How many desperate cries in the night have you ignored?" You say as your grin grows wider. You pull a knife from your jacket pocket and bear down on her. You relish the sound of her agonised scream as you penetrate her soft flesh with the hard cold steel of your knife.

See how nearly all the sentences here start with "you"? Although I'm not sure what could replace it, perhaps you could rearrange the sentences, so the reader isn't bored with all the "you!"s.

End

As octocoffee said, this is a bit redundant. It also draws away the impact of your eerie ending. If this was meant to creep the reader out - brilliant job!

~EmmaJane~

I think the violent parts could have benefited more from more description of the organs. Actually naming individual ones would add a lot to the visual, and give the killer more depth. It would make it seem like he knew what he was doing and was more practiced at it. Also, the negatives like 'sick' and 'lunatic' aren't something that the killer himself would use.

I liked the concept, however, and I admire your boldness. Keep working!

Sir:

Firstly, I have no problems with second-person, and I use it frequently.

Secondly, the sole purpose of this "story" appears to be shock value. However, it is not very shocking. You have me rape the intestines of some poor woman. Fine, but at least make it vivid and employ some delicious, cringe-inducing metaphors. Right now it comes off as a weak attempt to make the reader queasy.

For a super-dee-duper example of a story written to gross people out, I point you to Chuck Palahniuk's "Guts." Please do not read it shortly before or after eating. While you are eating is fine, though.

Good day to you!

Prokaryote

P.S. I very much like the name "Organ Eater."

Firstly, I really like the style you've employed here - I think it could really force the reader to embrace this character and it would add to the shock horror of it...

I see that the pace is fast and that may be reflective of the maniacal man's thought process and his sudden movements.

In my opinion, this has the potential to really make someone cringe and squirm. However, certain parts come so suddenly that it almost drains some of the horror out of it.

"You unzip your pants and amid her agonized screams you rape her organs" I felt that came too suddenly and though it did seem disgusting I wasn't that bothered by it - in fact it almost seemed comical. I think there really needs to be more sexual tension before the rape occurs to make it effective.

"you can feel the movement of her organs around your hand" - that was really good, it actually made me squirm. The movement of the organs in my hand is something I could picture and almost 'feel' the organs clearly in my mind.

It's moments like that, where you are forced to experience the action that can really bring horrors to life.