Because - Chap. 30 & 31

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Last edited by KJ on Sun Sep 26, 2010 2:18 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey there. Yeah, you were right, it really would've been a waste to post the two chapters separately. Great story, by the way.

In Chapter 30, I didn't get this part at all.
There was a boy that I’d once considered myself in love with. We were one of the “serious couples” in the ninth grade. His name was Alex… I remember he’d had a shock of red hair, and whenever he smiled at me, I couldn’t help but notice that one of his teeth were chipped. Biking accident, he’d told me. We went out until the day he and his family moved out of state, and even a short time after that, but we both eventually moved on.


I don't know if there's any relevance to the rest of the chapter, as one of the sections is missing, but it doesn't fit.

I shook my head so hard that my hair came out of its pony tail .


James turned away from me , about to exit my room.


I was trembling, I felt as if I was I think it's were about to pass out…


I stared at it, and was barely aware of Will turning around and picking up my baseball bat off my closet floor.
For some reason, this sound awkward. Maybe you should change it to something like this "I stared at it--barely aware of Will, who was gracefully picking up my baseball bat off the closet floor."


As for Chapter 31...

I didn't really find any mistakes or anything of that sort. The plot was great the way Becca stood up for herself against that football guy. Great story, KJ! Hope this review helped.
Don't let anyone steal your dream. It's your dream, not theirs. -Dan Zadra




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Oh my !
I loved it .
Your writing makes my heart stop . (:
And the part about Alex confused me too . It kinda seemed random .
& so sad that part is missing . D:
But it's great ,
and I love the Becca said that to the dude . It makes me think she's making progress in life (:
Oh I just want her to get with Vick already !
And as for the past , I hate that I love Will Sheldon . (:
But really , he shouldn't of hurt her brother . Obviously something in her is willing , he killing her brother won't help .
haha , listen to me lecturing a character .
<3 Can't wait for the next one .
i sleep under yer bed .




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AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! please tell me your not through!!!! I love this story and I give it a hundred percent ratings... just a few tad things here and there and it'll be a hit....im headign over to my blood, my truth.....i think thats the title...im startign on a critique frenzy so see ya...please post more of your splendid work

Sincerly,
SInger
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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I looove this story so much you dont post it quick enough :)

Keep writing it

Ella
XOX
I am not talking about the person you would die for. I am talking about to the person you would live for.

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Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.