The silverman's hazel part 1

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The topic of this story is a topic that, for a reason I have yet to find out, I really dwell on. I have a lot of people close to me who had family members go through it and it just amazes/horrifies me for some reason. :?

I wrote the entire story in about an hour and this is the first part. Let me know what you think. Enjoy and thanks so much. :D - Irishfire
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The haze drifted around me, slow and disorienting. The sky was just a black hole above me, there were no stars tonight. A woman stood in front of me, her face passive. I looked her up and down trying to recall who she may be, if I've met her before. Her eyes were the color of sun-lit spring leaves and they were flecked with the beautiful turquoise of the ocean. Her hair was a shimmering waterfall that fell just below her shoulders, a brilliant hazel-like color. It looked as if nature had taken its most brilliant colors and put them into her eyes and hair. She was breath-taking.


She stood at least a foot below me, but held her head high. Proudly. You could tell she was proud of who she was, and no one could change her mind. Her clothes were strange; she wore a high-necked dress, which fell down to half way down her legs. Dark brown working boots covered the rest of them. She wore pearls around her neck that accented her pale skin, which glowed in the haze that surrounded us.


She nodded toward me.

“Do you know where you are?” She said. Her voice was a bell. Mature and beautiful with every chime. I turned my head slowly.

“No, I’m not sure I do.” She gave me a grim lop-sided grim. She turned to the side and gestured elegantly. Suddenly the haze began to drift away, revealing where I was. “The graveyard 2 miles from my house.” I said staring at the graves that surrounded me and the woman.


The haze drifted into the woods that surrounded the graveyard. I looked at the woman. “Why are we in the graveyard?” I asked looking around. She looked at me her face completely unreadable.

“We’re here to show you who you’ve been, what my story was.” I looked at her, my eyebrows raised.

“What?” Her face became serious, and she narrowed her eyebrows.

“The graveyard shows us who we were before we were ourselves, whether we’re ready for their story or not.” I shook my head, trying to figure out what she was telling me.

“I’m sorry, I’m really not following. What do you mean it shows us who we were before we were ourselves?” She turned around and became to walk away.

“You’ll realize soon enough Ariel. Soon enough.” And she was gone.


I woke up suddenly. It was pitch black, it was still night. I sat up, and looked around me. It was a dream.

“It couldn’t have been just a dream,” I whispered, “it was too vivid.” I ran my fingers through my black hair, and took a deep breath trying to figure it out. Suddenly, it came to me and I snapped my head up. “The graveyard!” The woman’s voice came back to me,

“The graveyard shows us who we were before we were ourselves…” I needed to get to the graveyard, it would tell me. Somehow, someway, it would tell me. I threw the covers back and slipped on a sweat-shirt and boots. I grabbed the throw blanket off my bed and threw it around my shoulders. I rushed down my stairs quietly. Then, out the door, into my backyard, onto the path that led into the woods, and to the graveyard. I had to find out what that woman meant.
Last edited by irishfire on Mon Jul 20, 2009 2:14 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Heya!

On the site we have a rule to keep a 2:1 ratio of reviews to works posted. I see you've done one, but you've posted this and a poem, so please do another three reviews before anything else. This keeps the site running, and it makes others more eager to review your work. ^__^

What I'm going to do here is go through, bold and correct any grammar mistakes, and number the other things that bother me or that I just want to point out. The comments for the numbered parts will be at the end. ^__^

irishfire wrote:The haze drifted around me, slow and disorienting. The sky was just a black hole above me; there were no stars tonight. A woman stood in front of me, her face passive. I looked her up and down, trying to recall who she could have been, if I had met her before. Her eyes were the color of sun-lit spring leaves and they were flecked with the beautiful turquoise of the ocean. Her hair was a shimmering waterfall that fell just below her shoulders, a brilliant hazel-like color. It looked as if nature had taken its most brilliant colors and put them into her eyes and hair. She was breath-taking. 1


She stood at least a foot below me, but held her head high. Proudly. You could tell she was proud of who she was, 2 and no one could change her mind. Her clothes were strange; she wore a high-necked dress, which fell down to half way down her legs. Dark brown working boots covered the rest of them. She wore pearls around her neck that accented her pale skin, which glowed in the haze that surrounded us.


She nodded toward me, “Do you know where you are?” She said. Her voice was a bell. Mature and beautiful with every chime.

New Paragraph>>I turned my head slowly, “No, I’m not sure I do.” Start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks. :)

NP>>She gave me a grim lop-sided grin, turned to the side and gestured elegantly. 3 Suddenly the haze began to drift away, revealing where I was. “The graveyard 2 miles from my house,” I said, staring at the graves that surrounded me and the woman.


The haze drifted into the woods that surrounded the graveyard. I looked at the woman. “Why are we in the graveyard?” I asked, looking around.

NP>>She looked at me, her face completely unreadable. “We’re here to show you who you’ve been, what my story was.”

NP>>I looked at her, 4 my eyebrows raised. “What?”

NP>>Her face became serious, and she narrowed her eyebrows. “The graveyard shows us who we were before we were ourselves, whether we’re ready for their story or not.” I shook my head, trying to figure out what she was telling me.

NP>>“I’m sorry, I’m really not following. What do you mean it shows us who we were before we were ourselves?”

NP>>She turned around and [s]became[/s] began? to walk away. “You’ll realize soon enough, Ariel. Soon enough.” And she was gone.


I woke up suddenly. It was pitch black, it was still night. I sat up, and looked around me. It was a dream. “It couldn’t have been just a dream,” I whispered, “it was too vivid.” I ran my fingers through my black hair, and took a deep breath trying to figure it out. Suddenly, it came to me and I snapped my head up. “The graveyard!” The woman’s voice came back to me, “The graveyard shows us who we were before we were ourselves…” I needed to get to the graveyard, it would tell me. Somehow, someway, it would tell me. 5 I threw the covers back and slipped on a sweat-shirt and boots. I grabbed the throw blanket off my bed and threw it around my shoulders. I rushed down my stairs quietly. Then, out the door, into my backyard, onto the path that led into the woods, and to the graveyard. I had to find out what that woman meant.


One. Gorgeous description!

Two. "She held her head proudly. You could tell she was proud." That's pretty redundant; I would ditch the "proudly" -just that one word, not the head part- because that's telling, whereas the latter is some nicer showing. You could also combine the two and say something like "She held her head high; you could tell..." Just play around with it, but get rid of one of the 'proud's.

Three. Simply 'elegantly' is a bit too vague; it could mean different things to everyone so I think you could rephrase that part.

Four. Too repetitive. Way too repetitive. "I looked around. I looked at her. She looked at me. I raised my eyebrows. She narrowed her eyebrows." Etc. You don't have to narrate every single action, and when you do, try and introduce some variation into it so it's not incredibly boring.

Five. ...what? Give us more of Ariel's thoughts so we know exactly what she's thinking. Otherwise it's too fast, too jumpy, too confusing.

Okay, irishfire! You have a good start here, but it does show that you wrote it in an hour. It needs some edits; grammar wise, you had a couple typos, mostly with dialogue and commas, but besides grammar I'd also concentrate on varying your word choice so it doesn't sound all the same.

And, as I mentioned, I think you should give us more of your character's thoughts, both during and after the dream.

You did very well with description, though. That was great. Keep writing! :)

xx Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano




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Hey Mars. Thanks so much for the critique! I'll try to look out for those things.

I apologise for the ratio, I'm trying my best to keep up with it but I have limited time to do this and I'm trying my best, I'll make sure I fix it. Thanks again. :D
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico?
Student: Wait, legally?

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If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
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