Reminiscence

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“Ugh, where is it?! I need that paper for my assignment tomorrow!” Emma groaned in frustration, throwing clothes from a pile on the floor of her disheveled room. She took a moment to glance at her room and realized what a catastrophe it was, “I'll never find it in this mess!” She moved to a different messy pile and continued to dig through things making the mess even worse. She paused to think a bit, “Hmm, maybe it's in my cabinet...”

She walked to a large wooden chest in the corner of her room and slid the top drawer open. With vigor she began to dig through the various items and her hand closed on a thin chain. She pulled it out and looked at it, smiling fondly. It was old charm bracelet with several varied charms clasped to it.

The bracelet brought memories of her friends and high school rushing back to her. It reminded her particularly of the time when Adriane had given her the small silver sun charm bearing a small jade stone in the center. She and Adriane had got in a fight over something trivial that by now she had completely forgotten. Adriane had given her the charm to mend their friendship and end the fight. It had worked, too. They had both apologized and it was forgotten, Emma flipped the small charm onto it's back and read the few tiny words Adriane had wisely chose to put on the back. It read;

A & E
BFF



Emma put the charm bracelet back into the drawer still thinking about her past friends. She quickly snapped out of her reminiscing as the memory of her lost school paper began pestering her once more and she was forced to get back to looking through her drawers.

She flicked her long auburn hair out of her eyes and shoved the first drawer closed then pulled the next one open, she looked under a few things then slammed it shut, “This is hopeless!” she said frustrated and flopped down on her former bed. She lay there a while trying to calm herself down enough to think where it might be, her mind searching through all the nooks and cranny's in a virtual hunt. She needed the paper for a college assignment and since she was home visiting, it was a perfect chance to uncover the lost paper.

She considered it might have fallen behind her old collection of Breyer horses. The horses were all still in boxes as she had never bothered to unpack them after they had moved. She figured they would be safer boxed up anyhow since she wouldn't be using the room much while in college. She recalled that she had used to stack papers atop the cardboard boxes often. Carefully she unstacked a few boxes and moved one off the floor.

Something flashed in the sunlight, catching her eye as she set the boxes down. There was a karabiner laying behind where the box had sat, it was hers from when her dad had took her mountain climbing. “He always used to take me mountain climbing with him...” She said reminiscing about all the fun times she had with her dad. But that was all before the sea had taken him from her. He had been on one of his usual trips to the ocean to go abalone diving with his friends. He had been one of the safest abalone divers in the world yet the wily doings of the sea had defied him at last.

She shook the memories out of her head, distracted again from her original purpose. She finished looking behind the boxes and stacked them up again. By now she was utterly defeated, she couldn't think of any other place the paper would be. She heard the click of claws on the wood floor and turned around to see her first dog, Luther, standing in the doorway. The old flat coated retriever was graying around the muzzle now but his loyal brown eyes remained as bright as ever. He had been part of the family for a long time now and he was quite old. Her mother took care of him for her since she was in college, but she still enjoyed his company when visiting.

She remembered the time when her parents had finally decided she was responsible enough to at last have a puppy to care for. She had been overjoyed and gone to the shelter immediately to pick one out. The shelter had just put up a litter of puppies for adoption, and after a while of difficult decision making, she had finally picked Luther from the litter to bring him home. She had had so much fun with him back then but despite how much she had loved him, he had still had his flaws. His hobby was to take things he found interesting while no one was looking and put them in his stash beside his bed in the kitchen. Everyone would go crazy looking for it until they realized Luther had added a new edition to his collection and have to stop and laugh at the silly dog and their frustratingly frantic searches. She paused a moment as a thought occurred to her, it was unlikely she thought but it wouldn't hurt to look.

She got to her feet and left the room, switching the light off on the way out. Luther followed her closely, pressing his head against her leg as a sign of affection as he kept pace with her. The pair strolled into the kitchen and towards his bed where Luther let out a contented huff and laid down in the plaid cushions. He yawned widely before nosing through his stash and picking up a piece of paper covered by a sheet protector. He curled up with his head on his paws, the paper still in his mouth. “I should have known, you never change do you Luther. Silly dog” she said laughing.




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I've heard you're looking around for a review, so I figured I might oblige you. I've critiqued this as a piece of writing though, rather than the experience it must be as you've put it in non-fiction.

To start, I think I'll mention the golden rule, though you've probably already heard it: show, don't tell. Even if this is non-fiction, that doesn't mean you have to repeat everything word for word. Your piece is filled with 'she did this' and 'she did that', which doesn't interest the reader. You want to tell your story in such a way, ideally, that the reader will hang off your every word. You have to surprise him or her, keep them hooked.

“Ugh, where is it?! I need that paper for my assignment tomorrow!” Emma groaned in frustration, throwing clothes from a pile on the floor of her disheveled room.


If you want the reader to be interested, this probably isn't the best start. She's looking for a paper in her room: it's not the most exciting topic, but then we don't have to be reading about dragons and warriors and elves - or vampires :? - for the story to be exciting. You need to work something into this to make me want to read on, to make me feel her panic. Writers can make anything sound interesting, because that's part of the game.

She took a moment to glance at her room and realized what a catastrophe it was


We want to feel this catastrophe; it's a strong word and one I like, but you need to elaborate around it. Saying something doesn't make it so.

They had both apologized and it was forgottenfull stop/period. Emma flipped the small charm onto it's back and read the few tiny words Adriane had wisely chose to put on the back.


Why was she wise to put it on the back? I suppose because it ended the fight. In which case, I don't think 'wise' is the right word. It tends to apply to old men sitting in armchairs rather than teenage girls.

Emma put the charm bracelet back into the drawer still thinking about her past friends. She quickly snapped out of her reminiscing


There's no time in between that. She is thinking. She is not thinking. There's no smooth transition to take the reader through. You say she 'quickly' snapped out of her reminiscing, but it seems that you've just implied that she spends time thinking about it.

“This is hopeless!” she saidcomma frustratedcomma


She recalled that she [s]had[/s] used to stack papers atop the cardboard boxes often. Carefully she unstacked a few boxes and moved one off the floor.


If you can avoid repeating 'stacked', I think it would flow better. And 'moved one off the floor' confused me. I'm not sure how you mean it.

“He always used to take me mountain climbing with him...” She saidcomma reminiscing about all the fun times she had with her dad.


You should probably try not to repeat 'reminiscing' too, since you used it before.

I'm going to pause here just to point out that I like your idea. It's sweet, going through old memories while looking for a paper. But as there's no plot to this, really, I assume it's a descriptive piece. You need to take us to these places. What was mountain climbing like? Make us feel the emotion she feels for her father.

The description of Luther is great, and his habits. You finally break into some real detail and it improves the writing no end. The thing about memories is that they are unique to the person who experienced them, meaning that little insignificant moments you thought were irrelevant suddenly become little gems.

It's a nice ending too. I think, however, that the secret to this kind of piece - as in one where you want to explain a person or character through their memories - you need to tie all the loose ends together. It needs to fit and flow as fluidly as water, so that the reader doesn't feel that you've just chucked something in. As this is non-fiction, I think your account does that of its own accord: you just need to work on conveying that part.

This has potential, though. Please don't think I'm being entirely negative; with a bit of work, this could turn out pretty well.




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Hiya! Here as requested.

Grammar: You put commas in front of every bit of dialogue here, mostly when it's not needed. Replace all of those commas with periods. The only time you need a comma is if it's an introductory segment, such as "He was silent for a few moments, then," Since that doesn't really happen here, nix the commas.

Also, I noticed you used double punctuation at least once. Stick to one punctuation mark. Odd as that may be, it's how things are done.

Story: This was probably a sweet day for you, remembering all that had happened, but I'm not feeling anything from it. With all the unanswered questions (what happened to her highschool friends, how did she feel when growing out of her childhood toys, her dad... the dad thing is big. I'll come back to it, and all of the other little snippets flashing into her mind.) really getting touched by this story is hard. I'd suggest more of a flashback for each scene, maybe even making each little memory a scene in and of itself, then this work would have more plot and more punch.

Emotion: Not really feeling anything here. Because the MC is so dismissive of her memories, we don't really get a chance to get into the emotion of the work. I get that in real life one would be dismissive of such memories, but because we don't have the full memory, like what happened that day at the beach and how the fight had gone, we're not getting into the story as much as we could.

Overall: This has some good scenes in it, and I found the ending to be rather funny. I'd like to see more of the emotion behind those memories, and maybe a bit more space on them. ^^

PM me with questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Hey Tayla, it's me! You asked me what I thought of the piece... well I really enjoyed it! You need to work on showing instead of telling though... the MC does a lot of telling. I liked the way she jumped from one memory to the next though the transitions could have been smoother:) Keep up the good work and I'll keep an eye out for more posts from you. Thanks for posting!
~Dakota
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

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Thank you all for reviewing my story! :mrgreen:

~Tayla :smt026
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Hi there, I apologize for the long delay in my review. My internet was shut off and then my computer was out of commission, but now everything is good. I'll make sure to give you a thorough review to make up for the lengthy time it took me to get to this.

“Ugh, where is it?! I need that paper for my assignment tomorrow!” Emma groaned in frustration, throwing clothes from a pile on the floor of her disheveled room.


Okay, first problem here is that you don't need to use in frustration. We can get that emotion from her dialouge and her actions. Secondly, if she is searching for a paper that is due the next day, why is it at her parent's house and not her dorm room? I could understand if she were in high school, but being in college, it doesn't make sense. Also, assignment sounds redundant, perhaps you could say class instead.

It was an old charm bracelet with several varied charms clasped to it.


When you talk about a charm bracelet, I automatically get the image in my head of the varied charms. I think this is unecessary and also affects the flow of the sentence.

Emma put the charm bracelet back into the drawer still thinking about her past friends. She quickly snapped out of her reminiscing as the memory of her lost school paper began pestering her once more and she was forced to get back to looking through her drawers.


I think another person commented on this sudden transition. It is choppy and difficult to read. But it can easily be remedied. I'd suggest rewording it to say something like: Emma fastened the charm bracelet around her wrist, and resumed her search for the lost paper.

She flicked her long auburn hair out of her eyes and shoved the first drawer closed, then pulled the next one open. She looked under a few things then slammed it shut. “This is hopeless!” she said frustrated and flopped down on her former bed. She lay there a while trying to calm herself down enough to think where it might be, her mind searching through all the nooks and cranny's in a virtual hunt.


#1: Could you give us more detail about what things were in the second drawer? #2: I think virtual should be changed to mental, because virtual makes me think of a computer.

She said, reminiscing about all the fun times she had with her dad. But that was all before the sea had taken him from her. He had been on one of his usual trips to the ocean to go abalone diving with his friends. He had been one of the safest abalone divers in the world, yet the wily doings of the sea had defied him at last.

She shook the memories out of her head, distracted again from her original purpose.


Okay so the number one problem with this section is the lack of emotion. I mean, she seems to have had a pretty good relationship with her dad. Yet when you describe his death, there are no emotional reactions to this. Even if he had died quite a few years before, she would still feel something, I mean, come on this is her Dad! Is she sad, depressed? Does she have a twinge of grief or does she feel guilty, maybe, because she hadn't told him that she loved him. As a reader, I need more emotion from her so that I can connect with her. Otherwise, this character doesn't feel real to me.

The shelter had just put up a litter of puppies for adoption, and after a while of difficult decision making, she had finally picked Lutherfrom the litter to bring him home.


How about instead of after a while of difficult decision making, which is awkward to read, why don't you say something like: after some careful consideration.

Overall I really enjoyed this story. I liked being able to see her memories and I thought the ending was really funny. If this is a short story, then this works, but if you intend to make this into a novel, then we could use a little bit more conflict. Other than that I think this is good. Keep writing! :D
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