Legacy

This desk is the Parthenon.
My fingers pick at splinters and varnish, in a lineup
I am another one shuffled forward, past, to leave my mark
And move on. Archeologically speaking,
You can trace my heart
Through long division <.MM.3, through quadratic equations <.DF.3 and similes, close reading, WWII, the women’s movement, Monet, Xylem and Phloem.
<.SS.3, <.MHG.3, a sense of validation, cave paintings on desks, worksheets, jotters.

I left tiny treasure trail letters to remember which way I’d come,
A collection of museum quality: red Berol; scratched deep blue; crosshatched grey
And sliding black ink, a record of affection.
The Curator says “Such crude proclamations were grown out of”,
And the school-trip child asks “Where did all the love go,
if all the letters and hearts are gone?”

“It didn’t go”, whispered “She only changed, learned to bury them deeper, you see”
I am living in spirals, pressing my love into the fabric of the world.
“She writes poems, and every one is a heart carved into a plastic tree,
a memorial in cyberspace, eternal.
She doodles, chats, complains, acknowledges, dedicates
and chokes up names she can’t help but mention so often;
marks her progress in willing brains.
She doesn’t write in hearts anymore, its true,
Everything she touches is stamped with imprints of his name.”

HI, Quill! I'm Jon!

This desk is the Parthenon.

My fingers pick at splinters and varnish, in a lineup

I am another one shuffled forward, past, to leave my mark

And move on. Archeologically speaking,

You can trace my heart

Okay, I loved the beginning here. However, you spelled 'Archaeologically' wrong. Just add an 'a'. Also, I have a bit of a problem with the "forward, past," bit. If it were up to me, I'd just get rid of 'past'. If you do it'll revive the flow that halts here a bit. Also, I like how you used past objects and events throughout. It adds nicely to the poem.

Through long division <.MM.3, through quadratic equations <.DF.3 and similes, close reading, WWII, the women’s movement, Monet, Xylem and Phloem.

It could be my math skills, (Or the lack of) messing with this bit here. I don't understand the numbers of , "<.MM.3 or <.DF.3". I don't think they add much to the poem anyway. I think you should take these out and just continue on with what you were going to say. Also, you have a problem with grammar here. (I'll fix it in the next few lines, you'll see. So, have it like this:
"Through long division, quadratic equations, similes, close reading, WWII, The Women's Right's Movement, Monet, Xylem, and Phloem."

You need to capitalize the Women's Right's Movement. (You also left out right's.) Other than that I'd say that you have to make this a little shorter. As it stands, it's just a list, a long one. Just try to cut it down.

<.SS.3, <.MHG.3, a sense of validation, cave paintings on desks, worksheets, jotters.

I would just cut this bit out. It adds nothing significant to the poem. However, if you decide to keep it, take the numbers out. (Numbers work in poetry sometimes, just not in this one. It the way you use them that doesn't work.)

I left tiny treasure trail letters to remember which way I’d come,

"Tiny treasure trail letters" needs to be shortened. It makes no sense. Try, "I left tiny trails to letters..."

A collection of museum quality: red Berol; scratched deep blue; crosshatched grey

For every ; put a comma in it's place.

“It didn’t go”, whispered “She only changed, learned to bury them deeper, you see”

Who whispered? Tell us.

Overall: I liked this poem, it had something different to it. The ending of the poem, to me, was great. Just try to add on and make some changes I suggested. ^_^ This poem had something I haven't read in a while...the quality of uniqueness.


---Jon---

Thanks for the crit Jon =3

I'll reply to a couple of things here...



-didn't notice about the misspelling there, will change it ^_^

- Though I understand your point about the flow and removing the word "past", I like it too much to take it out. the juxtaposition of "Forward, past" and the double meanings too, i just don't think I can bring myself to remove it...

-You're right about capitalising Women's Movement, and the list does need to be fixed. Maybe split onto different lines or rearranged somehow. The "<.DF.3"s and the like are representations of the hearts themselves, the initials (and these are the real initials from my past that I used to doodle) are enlosed by <..3 the heart shape. The doodles are interspersed with the school work I'm describing. (Also Women's Rights Movement is correct- there should be an apostrophe on "right's" because nothing is being abbreviated- it is simply the plural of a "right").

-I think I will cut out/change the "cave paintings" line...

-Tiny treasure trail hearts is a little...alliterative its true- I think I will find a way to change it so it flows better.

- Commas are only used when listing one word items eg bread, milk, water, flour. When your items are longer than one word or being described, you use semi colons to seperate them: crusty hedgehog bread; my favourite brand of soya milk; that bottled water that comes in Litres; self-raising flour...

-I don't know who whispered! I agree this needs to be changed- while writing it I struggled to come up with something that would fit, just had the strong image/sound of a voice whispering in my head. maybe I'll just say "A voice whispers..." or something...



Thanks again for reading! ^_^