Rush Hour

I could tell by the way she was standing that she didn’t want to be here.

It’ll all be over soon, I told myself. She’ll be gone in less than an hour.

Her name was Jennifer. It was typed, plainly, in black ink across the center of her driver’s license; Jennifer Green.

A common name, I tried convincing myself. She’s just like the rest.

But she wasn’t. I had seen girls enter the clinic before, girls just like her; quiet, conserved things who spent most of their time staring at the tiled flooring we had installed in the building. They didn’t talk much, the rest of them, never really took the time to look me in the eye.

But this one was different.

“I am here for an abortion.” There, she said it. Plainly, fearlessly. It was the first time I had heard those words spoken so easily, without restraint. I was used to hearing the usual mumbling, the typical excuses that I had heard a thousand times before.

She looked at me directly. “When’s the next available appointment?”

I noticed her eyes. One was blue, the other green.

“We have an opening at one o’clock today, if that is convenient.”

Her eyes darted to the clock nailed crookedly on the west wall. Twelve noon.

“I can wait,” she said bluntly. I watched as she turned on her heel and sat into one of the blue couches we had pushed against the wall. Her white-wash jeans were frayed at the bottom. Her wind-breaker was zipped all the way up to the base her neck.

“For a whole hour?” I blurted without hesitation. Immediately, I scolded myself. Receptionists weren’t supposed to ask questions. I racked my brain for something suitable to discuss. “We have magazines in the back room,” I added. Other than the two of us, the lobby was empty.

“I’m fine,” she replied. I nodded.

Tick tick. The hands on the clock. They spun slowly, endlessly, around and around, only to repeat the same circle, the same pattern as they had before. I wondered when time would ever stop.

Furtively, I directed my eyes toward her. She sat on the cushions; calm, collected. She kept her eyes locked to the wall in front of her. She looked together, so carefully kept. What was going on inside, I would never know.

The clock struck one. I busied myself by pretending to file leftover paperwork.

“It’s one o’clock,” she said. I glanced up. She had appeared at the front desk. Nodding, I handed her a blank form.

“Once you're inside, please fill this out.” I watched as she picked up the sheet of paper. She did it with such ease. No pain, no hesitation.

“Which way is it?” I pointed down the dimly-lit hallway leading out of the lobby.

“Just around the corner,” I explained. She nodded, folded the paperwork into her back pocket, and headed down the corridor. I only caught a glimpse of her heel as she disappeared around the bend.

It was rush-hour. I could hear the traffic bustling noisily outside the entranceway: taxis, buses, motorcycles.
After a while, the noise settled down, until all I could hear was the steady pedaling of a bicyclist speeding down the drive.

The clock kept ticking.

this is very intriguing, and pretty well written, but what is it?! Is it the intro to a story, or is this meant to be it?

The only thing I can pick out is that it seems to jump from twelve to one very quickly for the reader, I suggest filling the gap a little better with something like a list of what the receptionist is doing while the girl waits, taking calls organizing appointments or whatever- something that will convey the monotony of time passing in a stronger way than just saying "the hands of the clock spun around".

That said, I found this really interesting! I really wanna know why the girl is so calm, its very mysterious...

It's kind of just a vignette, sort of.

thanks for your advice!

This was good. I liked the simplicity of the writing; it got the point across well.

As far as characters go, I believe it was necessary to at least hint a little as to the reason for the MC's job at the clinic. She seems to be almost apologetic for her job, and seems to know why women might be hesitant about getting abortion, and yet she works there. I think it would add to the tension if there could be a little bit more detail on this.

Also, Jennifer Green could be detailed a little more. I liked the detail you gave, but since she is the focus, you add a little more intriguing detail to her character.

Detail about the clinic would also be good. What does it all look like, smell like, feel like? That would add to the reality.

Finally, you need to make sure you have facts straight as to how abortion clinics work. Have you ever been to a clinic, or studied exactly how different abortions are done depending on how old the baby is? It was clear that you had not. You can't just walk into a clinic and get an abortion without an ultrasound. It is necessary to know the age of the baby before the abortion can be done. And, often, the women are anesthetized, so that means they have to abstain from food for twelve hours and thus could not walk into a clinic on a normal day and have an abortion an hour later.

I suggest you do a little more research on the subject.

Besides all that, I thought you did a good job, and I'm guessing this is only the first chapter. PM me when you put on the next part. I'm intrigued.

Hey Forever ^^ As promised, a review for you this evening

However, I do warn you that when it comes to review, I'll be straight to the point, but I'll be honest. I'll go over both the positives and negatives ^^

I could tell by the way she was standing that she didn’t want to be here.

This is an interesting hook, and honestly, it makes me want to read more. However, I did notice that you didn't expand on this. It's okay if you avoided description on the girl standing there in the first line, but you really should've expanded on it rather then just let it sit there.

Was sweat on this girls brow? Was she trembling? She biting her lip? Wet hair stuck to her face? Expand on this so after you hook the readers, they know what's going on and can get a picture in their heads.

It’ll all be over soon, I told myself. She’ll be gone in less than an hour.

This kind of goes against what you just said. This kind of sounds like what the girl who didn't want to be there would think.

Her name was Jennifer. It was typed, plainly, in black ink across the center of her driver’s license; Jennifer Green.

I'm usually not a big fan of the "Her name was ____" and "He's called _______", but you made it work with the driver's license. The description was good. Good imagery, but straight to the point.

A common name, I tried convincing myself. She’s just like the rest.

*But she wasn’t. *I had seen girls enter the clinic before, girls just like her; quiet, conserved things that spent most of their time staring at the tiled flooring we had installed in the building. They didn’t talk much, the rest of them, never really took the time to look me in the eye.

It's getting interesting D: However, there are some things that need to be fixed.

*But is redundant. It would be better just saying "She wasn't."

*"I had" should just be "I'd" because the MC wasn't formal that formal in the beginning.

Also, you have too many "had's", so it should be:

"She wasn't. I'd seen girls enter the clinic before, girls just like her; quiet, conserved things that spent most of their time staring at the tiled flooring we installed in the building. They didn't talk much; never really took the time to look me in the eye."

But this one was different.

You said this earlier, so the effect is overused. I'd suggest simply scratching it.

“I am here for an abortion.” There, she said it. Plainly, fearlessly. It was the first time I had heard those words spoken so easily, without restraint. I was used to hearing the usual mumbling, the typical excuses that I had heard a thousand times before.

First things first, you say that the lady says she's there for an abortion plaily, casually, yes? Well, then she doesn't need to be so formal. She'd probably just use the conjunction and say "I'm here for an abortion" and the narrator can also use "I'd" instead of "I had" because it ruins the flow.

The idea and the way you write is really mysterious and interesting. Each word seems to give rise to more questions than answer ^^ However, you do need to work on your imagery. We need see what these characters look like and there's no setting. The dialogue and thoughts are good, but you need to show us what the clinic looks like, what this lady looks like, what things smell like, feel like, sound like. You need this things to hit the third dimension in your writing.

I noticed her eyes. One was blue, the other green.

I've read about a lot of characters with two different eye colors, and they were actually blue and green. You need to be careful because this could be cliche. Make sure to add your own twist

“We have an opening at one o’clock today, if that is convenient.”

In the beginning, your character isn't formal, but here she is. You need to decide on something and stick to it. Characters in book usually only have a few traits and they're more consistent than the complex people that really exist. Your characters need to be reliable, otherwise the reader will get confused and won't be able to follow.

“I can wait,” she said bluntly. I watched as she turned on her heel and sat into one of the blue couches we had pushed against the wall.

You don't need to say "we had" all the time. You're overusing "had" when "pushed" is already a past tense verb. Also, you can just say "blue couches pushed against the wall" because exactly who pushed it there isn't all that important.

Her white-wash jeans were frayed at the bottom. Her wind-breaker was zipped all the way up to the base her neck.

What about her hair? Face? Expression?

Remember to only include what's revelant to your plot. Expressions would be better than exactly what she's wearing.

“For a whole hour?” I blurted out [s]without hesitation[/s].

That part is redundant because that's basically what "blurted" means.

mmediately, I scolded myself.

This needs some rewording because this was confusing. You can show it by maybe having her clench her teeth, or smack herself in the head, her face gets red, or something.

Other than the two of us, the lobby was empty.

You need to work on showing vs. telling. You need to paint an image for the reader's rather than just giving the information to them so plainly. You have a really interesting story, but this is what's holding it back.

Telling: The guitar sat in the boy's lap and he played it really awesome.

Showing: The boy held the guitar like a lover, caressing its strings as he hummed.

It's not such a hot example, but you get the point. You can't really see anything in the tell-y version, but an actual picture appears in the showing version.

Tick tick.

Sounds in italics.

They spun slowly, endlessly, around and around, only to repeat the same circle, the same pattern as they had before.

Punctuation should be:

"They spun slowly, endlessly. Around and around, only to repeat the same circle, the same pattern as they had before."

Furtively, I directed my eyes toward her. She sat on the cushions; calm, collected. She kept her eyes locked to the wall in front of her. She looked together, so carefully kept. What was going on inside, I would never know.

You're using "She" a lot, so you might want to reword the sentences and do something like"

"She sat on the cushions, calm and collected. Her eyes were locked to the wall *opposite her. Everything about her looked together, so carefully kept."

*I changed the wording to "opposite her" because "the wall in front of her" makes it seem like she's facing a wall.

She [s]had[/s] appeared at the front desk.

Like I said, you don't need to add "had" to make things past tense. "Appeared" is already past tense.

“Which way is it?” I pointed down the dimly-lit hallway leading out of the lobby.

It sounds like the narrator is asking herself which way it is, so either make a new line or mention that the lady is the one who asks this.

It was rush-hour. I could hear the traffic bustling noisily outside the entranceway: taxis, buses, motorcycles.

You need to put a break before this. Basically just put a "--------" to tell the readers it's not apart of the last part.

The clock kept ticking.

Good cliff-hanger ^^
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Positives: The way you write is really mysterious, yet it's not too vague. Also, the way your dialogue punctuation is good and I didn't see any spelling errors.

Negatives: You need to add more imagery and expand some things.

Uh oh, time to go to sleep =_=

Hope this helps ^^

-Shina