Cinder:Prologue (In other words, My life in a nut shell)

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Prologue (In other words, My life in a nut shell)



Once upon a time, long ago in a far away land lived a princess. Yeah right, shut up. I mean like that would be way too easy right? I mean that only is the beginning of every fairy tale right? Every fairy tale but mine.
You think the name Cinderella might help me out a bit there, you know, magic and a fairy godmother and all. Nope, not me. I guess the first Cinderella stole all the razz pizazz for herself, long ago and lived happily ever after in that beautiful castle. Right now I wasn’t even sure if such a thing as a ‘castle’ even existed anymore outside of books and people’s imaginations.
I’ve finally learned to live with my name though, but I mean how many girls in the twenty first century are cursed with a name like Cinderella? Only one, yep, Me. My gosh, I’d sworn every other day of my life, if my mother was still alive I would have murdered her anyway. Do you know how hard it is to live down a freakin’ name like that? Kindergarten was OK, I was treated like the princess I deserved to be. The kids all thought it was cool and that I was special for some reason and I believed them. What? I know now that little kids are dumb and know absolutely squat but once upon a time we were all a Kindergartner, please, bear with me here.
First grade and zilch, the fairy tale I’d been living came crashing down all around me, it was over, and I was tossed into a cruel reality the day my beloved mother died in a car crash ( that was before I’d wanted to kill her because of my name).
My father had died two months before I’d been born so I’d never missed him much. Some days, when things got tough (yeah, tougher than normal I mean), I cursed him and wished he hadn’t gotten himself killed. Maybe then, my childhood might have been more posh (I’m a princess right?) And I could have spent more time with Mom. Maybe if he’d lived, it would have been him in that crash instead of my mother.
Typical, my life was a mirror of Cinderella’s. (No, I’m not in here scrubbing floors wearing rags). The name was like a curse or something I guess. When I was four, my mother married the evil stepfather. OK, OK, I’ll admit he wasn’t all that bad. He worked hard and a lot but he had a temper that could kill! Especially when he got drunk. Sheesh, not pretty.
Did I mention he had two model gorgeous sons? Nope, guess not. They stayed out of my way and I out of theirs. Perfect right? Well, when there’s not that much room to move, it’s pretty hard to stay out of once anothers' way. We were always after one another for some stupid reason or another.
After first grade finished we shot out of New York faster than you could blink. My ‘Dad’ said it was time for a change of pace and that we were moving out to the country. It tore me apart leaving Mom and Dad behind in that big city graveyard. I had no choice in the matter, remember I was only six years old, maybe seven.
California, yeah! right? L.A., Hollywood, Disneyland, San Francisco, everything to fill a girls dream. It turns out that California’s pretty big and between all those famous places there is a whole lot of stinkin’ nothing out there. Yep, you guessed it. We settled down like old squatters from the 1800's, as far away from Disneyland as my old man could find in a small historic town of a little place called Mendocino. Just great!
If you think that’s bad just wait until I tell you a little bit more. Surprise! It gets worse. No, luckily my dad didn’t get engaged with Cruella De’vil or any other high flashing dame for that matter. Sadly, this rural town didn’t have much to offer my dad in the ways of a wife, all the pretty lookers were already taken. Not that I minded, just as long as he didn’t get so desperate and ended up marrying the wicked witch of the west or some other whacked-out old hag.
OK, OK, I’m being over dramatic. I was glad to realize that Dad was actually sad about Moms death. It taught me that he really had loved her. I also have to backtrack and tell you that I judged the town too quickly OK. It definitely is not New York if you know what I mean. But it is absolutely gorgeous. It’s right next to the Pacific Ocean and it has that salty sea air and noisy gulls that make the place feel like a beach house or something beachy...maybe Florida? No, not nearly warm enough, I mean it’s like a town record when this place reached Ninety degree’s, Florida’s that hot all the time... I think...
Anyway, one of my old bro’s took to the country like an old buccaneer. He absolutely loved the place and everything it had to offer. My dad was ok with it all, he said it wasn’t what he’d expected (never trust those Real Estate agencies let me tell you, they’ll do absolutely anything (and I mean absolutely anything) to sell their piece of moldy bread on to you). My other brother hated it worse than he hated me, and that now is saying something. He despised every inch of Mendocino and it’s County. He was such a whiner baby, he like would never shut up about it. He always had some derogatory remark to shoot us with. It hurt old Dad but me and Lone Ranger ignored him.
So there, my life, up till now, in a nut shell. Yep, we’re still living in this little historic town. Waiting for every summer ‘cause the roads get so suffocated with tourists you can’t breath we get to go back to New York and visit Mom and Dad’s grave and do a lot of sight seeing. Leave it to my dad to refuse taking a plane, we have to drive across practically every state in the US to get back to New York. I’m sixteen now, my brothers are seventeen and eighteen. Number eighteen is part of some freakin’ slick and stupid gang in the next town over Fort Bragg (What a name for a town!).
Dads hanging in there but he’s getting more and more out of it, spending lots of time at the pub in Fort Bragg and less and less at his job here in Old Mendo. Yep, things were just about to get ugly. And I mean really ugly.
Last edited by DakotaK on Mon Aug 24, 2009 8:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
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Hi, I'm Jordan!

I really liked the beginning, How you described your name and things.
I like this. You made it as a normal story and not some fairy tale.
You over exaggerate things and take them back way too much, though.
Cinderella is always saying, " OK, OK." and saying that she was just making things up.
But great start.
Keep Writing!
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
Jack Sparrow<3




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Hey! I like this, can't wait to read more!
Anyway, one of my old bro’s took to the country like an old buccaneer. He absolutely loved the place and everything it had to offer. My dad was ok with it all, he said it wasn’t what he’d expected (never trust those Real Estate agencies let me tell you, they’ll do absolutely anything (and I mean absolutely anything) to sell their piece of moldy bread on to you.
I edited this a bit, but other than that I didn't see anything. Maybe it's because I only read it once. xP
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."




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Hi,
I really enjoyed this piece of work. I like how you kept it interesting, and made it funny. I also like how it's a modern Cinderella Story turned upside down. You also make the characters easy to relate to and put them through real life situations and not something that would just happen to a story character.
~Zanna




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Hey Dakota. I really enjoyed this. Your Cinderella narrarator is very, very funny and easy to relate to. I didn't really see very many grammar mistakes, but there were a few - I think that the others already spotted those out. The timeline confused me a little bit, because you said that the mother died when Cindy was seven or so and then you go to say that her mother married when Cindy was four. Other than that, great job. ^_^

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

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I have to start out by saying that I absolutely love your way of writing. It is so personal and straight forward. Honest might be the word I'm looking for. I've got a few nitpicks, but most are just suggestions.

I mean like that would be way too easy right? I mean that only is the beginning of every fairy tale right?

I liked your beginning, but I didn't like the repetition of the words "mean" and "right".

I guess the first Cinderella stole all the razz pizazz for herself, long ago and lived happily ever after in that beautiful castle.

I love your choice of words here, but in my opinion the sentence is a bit too long. "razz pizazz" deserves to be the ending of a sentence, not baked in the middle of it. Try dividing it into two shorter sentences?

I know now that little kids are dumb and know absolutely squat but once upon a time we were all a Kindergartner, please, bear with me here.

Just a little note, not everyone has been a Kindergartner. I know I haven't. But maybe it's Cinderella's style to generalize?

First grade and zilch, the fairy tale I’d been living came crashing down all around me, it was over, and I was tossed into a cruel reality the day my beloved mother died in a car crash ( that was before I’d wanted to kill her because of my name).

There's a space between the parenthesis and "that".

Some days, when things got tough (yeah, tougher than normal I mean), I cursed him and wished he hadn’t gotten himself killed. Maybe then, my childhood might have been more posh (I’m a princess right?)

You could do without the "yeah", but also I wanted to add that I'm beginning to love your use of parentheses. They're right on cue, brilliant!

Maybe if he’d lived, it would have been him in that crash instead of my mother.

This is one of those moments where you can really see that Cinderella is a living, breathing, thinking human being. These kinds of "what if"-thoughts are so common in everyday life, and it's great how you've portrayed it in this manner.

Well, when there’s not that much room to move, it’s pretty hard to stay out of once anothers' way. We were always after one another for some stupid reason or another.

I think you mean "ones".

It turns out that California’s pretty big and between all those famous places there is a whole lot of stinkin’ nothing out there.

Another moment where Cinderella is so lifelike. A small undertone of sarcasm mixed in with a bit of naivety makes her a brilliant storyteller and entertainer.

OK, OK, I’m being over dramatic. I was glad to realize that Dad was actually sad about Moms death. It taught me that he really had loved her. I also have to backtrack and tell you that I judged the town too quickly OK.

There's bit too many OK's around here.

I mean it’s like a town record when this place reached Ninety degree’s, Florida’s that hot all the time... I think...

Again, Cinderella amazes me as a character. Usually, characters are self confidant, sure that what they are saying is true and correct, but here she ends her assumption with doubt. She's so believable!


My dad was ok with it all, he said it wasn’t what he’d expected (never trust those Real Estate agencies let me tell you, they’ll do absolutely anything (and I mean absolutely anything) to sell their piece of moldy bread on to you).

A parenthesis inside a parenthesis? I'm not sure that is kosher, although it really works.

Yep, things were just about to get ugly. And I mean really ugly.

CLIFFHANG ME SIDEWAYS, I WANT TO READ MORE!

This was a wonderful beginning of what I'm sure will be a wonderful story. I'm looking forward to finding out what these REALLY UGLY events will be. Feel free to PM me when you publish your first chapter.
"SHAMAN" is a action/adventure fiction novel I'm writing, following the adventures of Marcus Lee. Marcus finds a book with a peculiar symbol engraved on the cover. As Marcus digs deeper into the mysteries of the book, he learns about controlled reincarnation.



What's stopping you?
— David Mamet