A Wolf's Hideout: silver Crossing Gold chapter 1

4 posts

should i let Jazzmine know it's Shadow speak in the next chapter

  • yes No votes
  • no No votes
  • after a few chapters 100%

Total votes: 1

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summary
Jazzmine a 14yr girl that's only tring to stop her friends from using her, a boy from kissing her, and Midnight from getting seen or hurt. OH also from growing wolf ears and a tail, but on the bright side no ones tring to kill her maybe experiment or mate not kill.


Silver Crossing Gold

SIVER CROSSING GOLD
Quietly near the forest edge, I sat with Midnight, a black wolf hybrid that lives with me and protects me.
I looked down at Mid and saw his ears perk up, he knew someone was coming so he went to hide, no one knew I had Midnight and no one could see him because he was very husky, bigger than any dog I’ve seen, and people might try and hurt him.
“Hey, Jasmine" I looked up to the voice to see Cathy one of my friends I think and a bunch of people I could not see behind her.
“Hi" I said quietly while getting up Cathy frowned at me.
"Is something wrong Cathy?"
"No, I just came to bring you to a party at Locket’s house you know the famous singer"
"...and Painter" I added,
“Yeah... she said to ME that you have to come for us to be invited. Oh and change your clothes purple shirt and jean shorts are not good enough… But your biker gloves are ok so hurry and change so people don’t think your weird." her friends started to giggle
"Sorry I can’t but I can give you these four tickets for Loving Life" Cathy snatched the tickets out of my hand, showed the group, and started to squeal with the girls while the boys did not seem to care.
“OMG! I love those guys thanks Jazz, I’m going to bring Bre, Roy, and Marth,” the boys groaned, while the girls squealed.
I giggled at their actions and earned stares from the boys and awkward looks from the girls. One of the girls with long brown hair and tanned skin named Bre walked forward
“Umm… I have to go get clothes for the concert so let's go” Bre announced to the group causing them to walk towards the mall.
While they walked away, I went further in the forest to a small clearing to look for Midnight but sensed he was not there, so I sat down on a log taking out a book I brought ‘Silver Crossing Gold’.
"WHAT ARE YOU READING!" someone popped out of nowhere. I jumped and went behind a tree; I saw it was one of Cathy's friends with MY book in his hand.
“Uh… I can see you.” the boy said to me. I came out of my spot behind the tree. He looked at me with his brown eyes.
“Hi!" the boy waved joyfully
“Hi, who are you?" I responded.
“Marth, you are?" the boy threw my book to the side.
“Jazzmine, aren’t you supposed to be with Cathy?" I said going to get my book but he put his foot on it as a footrest.
“No, she doesn’t own me. So… what’s the book about?”
“Nothing" I said while pushing the book from under his feet.
“So it's about nothing...fine then I can have it if nothings in it...right?" Marth said taking the book from me.
“No! Its mine leave me alone,” I demanded. The boy grinned.
“No" Marth started shaking the book back and forth as if I was a small dog. Therefore, I kicked him in the shin. He fell with MY book, I quickly tried to get it but Mark pulled me down and pinned me to the ground, he sat on my mid-section so I could not move. “Comfortable?" I asked
“You don’t want to see me comfortable" I blushed at his response, and he laughed at mine.
He took out my book and began to read I think, and I was bored with his actions.
"Question; why are you friends with Cathy you two don't seem like friends" he said not looking away from the book.
"If I answer your question will you answer mine?"
"Fine, but if you think about it I already answered."
"Shut up" I rolled my eye's at him.
"You know your no fun but answer"
"We met Locket's concert backstage, We still went to the same school, she found out I was friends with Locket so she said we were friends...oh Locket and me met in k4"
"That was it… Hmm that does not sound like a friend”
“Locket is a friend!"
"I meant Cathy"
"Oh" I blushed and he laughed again.
"Well I’ve got to go it's getting late. May I BORROW this book, HEAR THE WORD BORROW." I frowned at him.
"Fine, but I want it back"
"(Sigh) Did YOU HEAR THE WORD BORROW OR NOT!" he said jumping up and down on me like a child.
"y-yes" I giggled at his playful action.
"Your giggle's cute you should laugh more." he just ruined the moment.
"What!"
"Your heavy and I want to go home it's late" I said looking away.
"Hum changing the subject… Whatever I’ll go." he walked away with the saddest frown ever, which I thought was cute.
Minutes later Midnight appeared with blood on his lips showing he has been hunting, which I try to stop him from but he sneaks away from me, Midnight moved to my side, looked at the moon and Howled.
I loved it when he howled it was beautiful and he always got howls back that scared me when they were near.
A full hour passed now it was 12:00 Mid stopped howling.
"Ok Mid I guess I camping here with you tonight."
"It would seem" a voice, said near me said, I looked into Midnights eyes and fainted of shock.
Last edited by sweet sour on Sat Jul 18, 2009 3:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
S&S




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This is going to seem a little savage, so brace yourself, and I apologise in advance: I had no clue really what was going on, the romantic dialogue was rather cringeworthy and the spelling and grammar in places were pretty apalling. Also I don't really understand the poll comment at the top. What this story needs, in my opinion, is a really thorough proofread, to iron out the dodgy language and tighten the plotline up a bit.

I think this really does have some potential, but I don't feel I can give a fully formed opinion, since this seems rather... unfinished. That's not to say it's bad, just that you appear to have posted it up here without casting a critical eye over it yourself. I don't pretend to be an expert, but if you want some slightly less vague guidance then feel free to PM me.

On a slightly more positive note, you should most definitely write more chapters for this; I would just concentrate on improving this one first.

EDIT: Also I would recommend against calling a character Marth, I don't know whether this was coincedence or not but that's the name of a prominent video game character, and many will misinterpret it as either a piece of Fanfiction or just generally ripping the character off.
Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.




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Hello, I'm SwiftShadow. So you




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 6
Hello I'm SwiftShadow. So it seems that you need a lot of editing. I'll help you with that.

OH also from growing wolf ears and a tail, but on the bright side no ones tring to kill her maybe experiment or mate not kill.


You don't need to captilize 'OH'. 'No ones'? You need a lot of captilizing. Is it no one or nobody instead of 'no ones'? Commas will help stablize this sentence. You need some more captiles and commas.

no one knew I had Midnight and no one could see him because he was very husky, bigger than any dog I’ve seen, and people might try and hurt him. “


Captialize 'no' and delete the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
"WHAT ARE YOU READING!"


You never put anything in caps when you're writing. This comes up a quiet few times, so correct that. And you can add a question mark next to the exclaimation point.



If Nate ever zeroes the count in "Count Up Until Nate Zeroes It", that zero should be immortalized in the quote gen.
— JazzicusMaximus