Waiting

please review


Waiting

Skinny bird legs lying next to mine.
The one rubbing my thigh is tapping,
up and down and up and down
because you are nervous about something.
Your finger, the one with the big red plastic ring,
is tapping on the peeling dark veneer rhythmically.
Your other hand is clammy.
Like a turtleneck on a hot day,
like a wet turtleneck on a humid day.
The salmon-colored plastic sticks to my upper arm
in the small space between us on this love seat,
peeling away from my skin when I shift
with a sticky sound. Ouch.
There’s a rip, all jagged with
school bus-colored foam poking out.
Your nails are digging in,
as short as they are.
You are so afraid.
My nails are digging into your hand as well –
I can see the red-lined moons standing out plain as sight.
What was that old saying:
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight,
Or was it take warning?
Does a moon make the night red?
I ask you out loud, you laugh,
this queer little laugh
that isn’t a laugh at all.
Not really.
And you say it’s the first.
So we should delight and dance together like
we were doing just last week under that
tacky disco ball.
The door opens with a creak that reminds me
of an old haunted house. It’s all meant to scare.
The doctor walks in – shuffles really – lab coat knocking against his knees.
He’s kind-looking and old. Like a grandfather.
He moves past us.
Sits at his desk.
Pulls on his glasses – his eyes look so big.
Pulls out a manila folder.
Opens it.
Turns the page. Again. Again.
Licks his lips.
Takes glasses off – his eyes are small once more.
His chin rests on his folded hands.
Pensive.
“The test was positive.”
Your grip tightens, my grip tightens.
Many red moons across our hands.

Nadia wrote:The one rubbing my thigh is tapping
up and down and up and down
because you are nervous about something..

Please, put a pause somewhere. It's too long and too boring. If you tried to pull a rhyme in the tapping-something-it's not working.

Nadia wrote:Your finger, the one with the big red plastic ring,
is [s]tapping[/s] on the peeling dark veneer rhythmically.
[s]Tap-a-tap-a-tap-tap-tap-tap-a-tap[/s]

Oh, this onomatopoeia is so wrong. It doesn’t fit here, and it's too long, like you're just trying to fill the empty space on your paper(or a computer )
Also, try not to repeat words like tapping because they are an important part of your poem and they are easily noticeable by a reader. Even if they aren't-don't repeat unless you are trying to pull some great repetition which, I'll say to you right now, won't work.

Nadia wrote:Your other hand is so clammy.
Like a turtleneck on a hot day,
like a wet turtleneck on a [s]humid[/s] day.

Your other hand is so clammy,
like a turtle neck on a hot day. Make sure your punctuation is okay and the capitals also, in fact make sure that everything with spelling is okay.

Nadia wrote:with a sticky sound. [s]Ouch[/s].

Nadia wrote:What was that old saying?
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight?
Or was it take warning?
Does a moon make the night red?
I ask you out loud, you laugh,
this queer little laugh
that isn’t a laugh at all.
[s]Not really[/s].

First, it basically does okay when you ask one question if it’s the right question, but you are asking a few, dumb questions that make no sense. You have two choices here- remove them or just erase them.
Second- "laugh, laugh, laugh". The second time was okay, but three times is too many "laughs".
Third- not really? What's that supposed to mean?

Nadia wrote:And you say it’s the first.
So we should delight and dance together like
we were doing just last week under that
tacky disco ball.

___ punctuation
Because of that, you have another long, boring, relentless sentence which won't ever stop. Take a break, put a comma somewhere, relax . Try to combine verses so they are all with similar length (syllables)- that will help a lot with the flow of the poem.

Nadia wrote:He’s kind-looking and old. Like a grandfather. Or uncle. Or something.

Come on

I have to be honest with you, I didn't like this. For me it's only an enumeration of things and feeling, all mixed up together and without any sense. Well, not any sense, but it's pretty confusing.
Have fun writing.

thankyou for the review darko.demark666, kind of scared me at first but ummm, helped loads in the end. I've corrected/changed most of the things you said, there's just something I don't quite agree with.
You say i was "asking a few dumb questions that make no sense"
If you look at the last line it says "many red moons across our hands", when she's thinking of all those old sayings and questions she's trying to perceive whether phrases like that are true and at the end of the poem it is obvious they are.
Never mind, maybe it wasn't very clear

thanks for the review

nadia

xx

Personally, this poem was too long for me to like. Rather than giving me a nervous energy like the characters had, it dragged on and made me feel weighed down. I would expect something about nervousness to have nervous energy (which you tried for) but it didn't come out in that way - for me, at least.

Skinny bird legs lying next to mine.
The one rubbing my thigh is tapping,
up and down and up and down
because you are nervous about something.
Your finger, the one with the big red plastic ring,
is tapping on the peeling dark veneer rhythmically.
Your other hand is clammy.
Like a turtleneck on a hot day,
like a wet turtleneck on a humid day.
The salmon-colored plastic sticks to my upper arm
in the small space between us on this love seat,
peeling away from my skin when I shift
with a sticky sound.

The descriptions in this section were hard for me to wrap my mind around and enjoy. Especially the turtleneck one; it seemed rather tossed out randomly and I couldn't get the meaning or association, properly. You tried to use, "The one rubbing my thigh is tapping / up and down and up and down / because you are nervous about something," to express the nervous energy of the characters, but I think it would be to your benefit to never use the word "nervous" and instead inject the nervous energy through rhythm, line breaks, and diction. It will do you a world of good if you can express the emotion, rather than tell your reader what it is.

Like I said above, my largest problem was that I felt like it dragged on. I couldn't see how every line was necessary, and it didn't give me any overwhelming emotion in the end.

The doctor walks in – shuffles really – lab coat knocking against his knees.
He’s kind-looking and old. Like a grandfather.
He moves past us.
Sits at his desk.
Pulls on his glasses – his eyes look so big.
Pulls out a manila folder.
Opens it.
Turns the page. Again. Again.
Licks his lips.
Takes glasses off – his eyes are small once more.
His chin rests on his folded hands.

I think this part appealed to me least of all because it sounded more like stage direction rather than poetry, which is a big problem. I think you could due to cut it all, and leave it to one line. "The doctor shuffles in." Also, cut "pensive". It says nothing. Give as an action, something that shows he is thoughtful. And adjective creates nothing for the reader.

Also, I've dug my nails into my palms often, and I've seen many people call it "red moons". Perhaps you could come up with a more unique way of calling it, so the image sticks in my mind rather than makes me think, "I've seen it before?"

I hope this review wasn't too harsh, and helped! I realize you are young, but take this harsh critique (which I would normally not dish out to someone your age) as a compliment. Your writing tells me you have the basic knowledge of poetry, and therefore you can learn the tougher stuff. You're not bad! You're just a beginning, and it all takes learning. I think you can do it, since I've seen a lot of others do it. If you have any questions or would like me to explain something more, feel free to ask here or PM me!

Nadia wrote:
What was that old saying?
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight?
Or was it take warning?
Does a moon make the night red?

1. I would definitely remove at least two questions here. Why? It's obvious-there are too many of them. Also, they don't have any strong connections between.
I would separate these questions in three groups:
1 - First verse - You're basically asking what someone else asked.
2 - Second and third verse here-they are your choice of asking
3 - Last verse here-something completely different from the first three,
kind of solution, but not really. As I said-totally different.
And here's the solution (what would I do, not really the solution):
What was that old saying:
red sky at night, sailors delight
or was it take warning?
Does a moon make the night red?
Now do you see that last verse, do you see how it's bouncing from others?
Things must go slowly, they have to fade away and must be simultaneously
and slowly introduced to the next chapter(in this case-verse).

2. Content:
-old saying
-red sky, night, sailor, delight (what does the red sky have with sailors? What does delight have with night? Nothing. To pull off a rhyme, words have to be in some kind of relation and that's what I call the prefect rhyme.)
-take warning
-moon, red night(again that "night" and you know what we think of repetitions.)

--Hope I helped.