First off, these two paragraphs need to be made smaller. It's easy to get lost in all these words.
The Leon dynasty lasted for centuries - from 1012 to 1275. They had ruled the vampire realm with anger and cruelty, beginning an age of fear for it's people. But around 1199 the Leon's caused a terrible, bitter war to break out between human's and vampires.
This is a rather abrupt start; it seems a little odd, describing the history this way.
thus its' name Helvede - the translation of Hell in danish
This is irrelevant at this time. You could have one of your characters say it later, or keep referring to it as "that hellish place," or something like that, and someone explains it later. Also, why would they use the Danish word when it's in Romania? Details please.
In the beginning of time the vampire realm was a peaceful serene place ruled by the goddess Nyx.
This sounds really odd for the opening of the second paragraph.
he would have the blue crescent birthmark and would be the most powerful vampire in history.
Sorry, but the crescent moon makes me think of Sailor Moon. XD
Still dubious about whether or not the prophecy was valid, they went on a wild goose chase to find the tree of time.
A week before she gave birth she demanded to travel to a particular spot on an island off the coast of washington state. The Leon family escorted her, believing it was the vamp goddess reborn. They decided they were correct when the woman went to The Birth Tree.
Why would they believe a human would give birth to a vampire? Also, why would they think it would be her when she wasn't born by the 'Tree of Time,' but the 'The Birth Tree?' Details.
They later on moved their village to that island and expanded the army and taken over Helvede.
This is a rather abrupt ending, and it seems to give the plot away.
What I suggest is that you write it from someone's point of view, possibly the people who adopt her. The way it's written now sounds very impersonal, and hard to relate too.
If you need anything, feel free to PM me.
*Seraph*
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
