The Exile's Options - Life's other Option

Okay this is the completed chapter 1 along with the already completed prelude. For those who have read it and reviewed it please skip the prelude. Also note that the issues you detected may have not been edited, yet. So from now on there won't be any more reloading, due to a premature completed chapters I failed to complete. The story is complete and I will submit each chapter every week for review. So keep the reviews a coming! With nothing else to say enjoy, for real's this time.
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Prelude to Exile

The Older generation always tells the younger generation to take advantage of the education system, to plan and save for the future. Some of us are capable and willing to accept their counseling. Most of them who follow there counseling work hard middle class jobs, rarely to move up into the high class work force. Only very few who follow there counseling and are truly devoted to it are the individuals who make up in the higher class lifestyle. Then there are some who take heed of there counseling but let it slip once and there lives are changed forever.

But not all accept the counseling, for these individuals are dreamers, free thinkers and artist in their own particular way. But it is very rare that any of these “rebel” individuals live there life as they dream it to be. Most of them end up scraping by in life effortlessly trying to get up the social class ladder. As time goes these “rebels” see the inevitability of their dreams coming true. They give up their passion of their dream and are usually doomed to a low class life. But very few of these “rebels” might find the way back to the path to get back on its track, if being not too late... but like always happiness varies with anyone in any social class, you do not need to be in the high class to be truly happy and being in the low class does not always mean you are truly sad, neither.

Society wonders why individuals turn into “rebels”. Many factors contribute to rebellion some factors but not limited to: overwhelming pressure from school, being hurt, influence from any type of source, a hidden talent revealed and/or an extremely huge passion of any type. May it be from or a combination of the pressure from the education system, influence from music, being praised for your work by a superior and/or the passion to continue the work you have been praised for. While in the years of school these individuals may be seen as the rejects, anti-socialist, crazy people, weird people or loners. But they too have dreams like everyone else, even though their dreams may be more eccentric.

Sometimes those who society has lost hope on, fall into a life of crime. They choose the life of crime, may it be for survival for themselves or their family or to fund their nullification substance to escape from reality. Ultimately the law catches up with them sooner or later and the final process of being convicted; is when they are truly abandoned by society... but sometimes a little law breaking is needed to unlock ones potential but this comes with a hefty risk, especially if failure occurs...

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Chapter 1
The Exiles Path

“It’s over; it’s finally over man...” I spoke out to the group of my friends in there graduation robes. “Now were off to bigger and better things, now!” my high school buddy Leonard Lane spoke out as we walked to my car. “Damn, college is going to start in a couple weeks” I said to Leonard in the passenger seat of my 1967 Chrysler Imperial. “I know it sucks, we just got out from school, now we got to go back?!” Leonard replied disliking the whole school thing. “Yup, you go to school for thirteen years and you got to back for another two, three, four or even eight depending on what you want as a career” I said to Leonard while watching the road. The car went silent for awhile as it drove on the freeway to Fresco. “Hey, you never told anyone what you wanted as a career, so you decide on anything yet?” Leonard broke the silence in the car. “I was thinking of becoming a writer and/or a breeder” I replied to his question easily. “I always knew you had the talent for writing and all, but I never knew you wanted to be a breeder...” Leonard spoke about my career choice. A few seconds past as he thought, “A breeder of what, Dogs?” Leonard questioned me about the breeding subject. “Hell, anything... you know fish, dogs, reptiles and birds. You know I like animals” I answered his question turning off into a country road. “Where are we going?” Leonard questioned me as I got onto a dirt path. “You remember the house I told you that my grandpa gave me for his inheritance?” I questioned Leonard while driving on the dusty road. “Uh... yeah but me and the guys thought you were just making it up to seem richer...” he replied a bit sheepishly. “To seem richer?... How many times have I told you guys that, I ain’t rich!” I spoke annoyed telling them I wasn’t rich for the 67th time. “Alright, Alright, man you’re not rich then...” Leonard exclaimed his acknowledgment. “Well, here we are” I said stopping the Imperial in the driveway of the ancient house.

“Damn, don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but this place looks horrible outside” Leonard spoke looking at the seven foot tall weeds, dead trees, bushes and grass. “Hell, no one’s been living here for a year and a half” I said to Leonard looking up at one of the tall weeds. I walked to the front door of the house. The patio flooring was made of wood that was beaten badly over the years; some of its planks were fragile or missing. As for the door, it was dustier than a ten-thousand year old tomb door in the pyramids of Egypt. Its handles and locking pad had there chrome withered by the weather and they were covered in rust now. I put the key into the deadbolts keyhole, the keyhole was filled with dust and rust, the sound of crunching was heard while the key went in. Once the key was inserted I turned it. The key didn’t budge, “Stupid key...” I said lowly to myself trying to turn it. The key did not budge after five minutes of trying to open the door, “Damn key!” I yelled out in anger and frustration throwing the key in a random area. “Maybe we should call a locksmith” Leonard spoke to me from behind. “Nah, I got a way in” I replied to standing up straight. “You do?” he questioned me. “Yeah, were going to break in...” I said walking around the house.

“All the windows are locked” Leonard said as I boosted him up to the second story window. “Damn, I guess we brake in the old fashion way...” I said holding him up. Leonard leaped off my shoulders onto the floor. “The old fashion way... what way is that?” Leonard asked me standing up. I walked down a stair case on the side of the house, the stair case led to the basement or cellar or whatever you want to call it. I came to the door at the bottom of the staircase; the door was low-grade plywood door, which is usually used for bedrooms and bathrooms. The door had no deadbolt lock the only lock it had was the one on the standard door knob. I turned to check if it was unlocked, the door knob jerked. “Locked” Leonard informed me from atop of the staircase. “Not for long...” I said reaching in my right side pocket. I pulled out a lock pick from my pocket, “Hey is that a lock pick?” Leonard questioned me seeing the odd looking key like device. “One the best damn ones in the market” I responded to his question with the quality of the lock pick. I inserted the lock pick into the door and with only one turn the door opened effortlessly. “Damn, where did you get that?” Leonard said to me in disbelief of opening the door that easily. “I didn’t... my grandpa made it...” I replied to his question opening the door into the dark room. “Why didn’t you use at the front door?” Leonard questioned me as we walked in the cellar. “The locking mechanism was broken...” I replied to his question.

I stepped into the darkness of the cellar or basement area. The only beam of light came pierced the darkness through a window that was covered in dust. There was no power flowing through the house so the lights were useless. “You said that your grandpa made that key what was he?” Leonard brought up the lock pick and my grandpa. “My grandpa was a CIA agent, he wasn’t the best one, but he was hell of crafty with creating useful tools for his espionage assignments” I spoke of my grandpa’s history. “For real’s?” he replied with disbelief. “Yeah, doesn’t the lock pick prove it?” I answered him with a question. “That is a pretty nice looking lock pick, there…” he spoke eying my lock pick as I picked another door. Like before the door opened effortlessly, “I’ll buy it off you for three hundred dollars!” he bartered behind me. “Sorry, it’s one of the things I have left to remember Pops AKA my Grandpa” I said turning down his offer. I stepped into the kitchen and stopped, “What do you need a lock pick for anyway?” I questioned him with my back toward him. “Just because it’s cool…” he spoke his reason. “Damn Leonard…” I spoke annoyed and shamefully for his reason.

We were at the front of the house on the dead dried up yard. A Blue Chevy Tundra pulled up into the dust driveway. Two guys got out, “This is your house, Lance?” Isaac questioned looking at the yards shape. “This is fire hazard… where’s my lighter…” Isaac’s younger brother Daniel spoke patting his pockets looking for a non-existent lighter. “What’s Salinas bros!” I hollered back at them. Isaac was a Mexican guy who was tall and somewhat built, he reminded of the Silver Back Gorillas I saw on the Discover Channel one the reason was because we swayed his gorilla muscled arms like the creatures. Daniel was also Mexican but was taller and darker that his older brother Isaac, he looked like a Mexican Shaggy, you know Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

“You’re not going to tell me what’s up? That’s messed up…” Leonard spoke forgotten behind me. “I couldn’t see you’re camouflaged with the dead golden grass and the white house!” Isaac joked around with Leonard. I started laughing as I though about it. Leonard was a shrimpy looking white guy; he looked like a hardcore rocker with his blonde wild hair that reached his shoulders. “Oh… Oh, that’s just fucked up right there” Leonard said annoyed after our laughter ended. “It’s alright man, hell Isaac like Donkey Kong, Daniel is Shaggy and hell I look like a damn Neanderthal looking Grizzly Adams” I spoke making jokes of all of our appearances. “Lance you’re crazy, you know that?” Leonard spoke gasping for air as he laughed.

The laughing stopped after ten minutes, “So, when are you moving in?” Isaac questioned me. “I about a week, my aunt and uncle are somewhat glad that I am moving out, probably because they have another five kids to worry about” I answered Isaac question and the reaction of my parents. “You the oldest right?” Daniel questioned. “Yeah” I replied. “Lance you going to get a job?” Leonard questioned me. “Got to if I want electricity, water, food, phone, cable and internet; that’s not including gas for the old Imperial.” I answered with the reasons why. “You going to school and having a job?” Daniel questioned. “Yup, gotta do both if I want move up the wealth class ladder” I said to everyone. “Well that a sound like it’s going to be tough, but I think you’ll make it” Daniel spoke a bit unappealing.

The day past quickly with the phone calls being made and the moving of whatever furniture that was mine at my Uncle’s house from a nearby storage facility. I grabbed a foldable chair and placed in the dead grass dirt lawn. I sat down and looked at the stars. I wondered if any of my other siblings were watching the same night sky. Probably not, because they’re in the east coast region and I’m way in the hell in the West Coast side of the US. I looked around the area, nothing but the Californian Country around me. There was the nearby of Fresco just up the 41 highway and other towns just down the 41 highway. Although, I have never been in California except to see my grandpa “Pops”, something about California gave me peace of mind.

I got up from the chair and walked inside my house. The power was flowing through the house but most of the light bulbs broke from remaining off for years. I walked up the stairs to the master bedroom door. I opened it and walked into an almost pitch black room that had a single beam of moonlight streaking in form one of the windows. I found my bed as I patted and felt around the place in the darkness. I threw off the blanket and got under them. I closed my eyes, thinking about the big move from the East Coast and the other move out from my Uncle’s house. Before I knew it I was asleep.

The months past quickly, I continued to go to college and work a part time job. College was just like high school all over again but with more freedom and a bigger payload of work to do. I still didn’t know what the hell I wanted to be, you know what you want as a career. A career differs from job. A job is something that needs to be done as for a career is something you like to do and you get paid doing it. But I guess you can have a job that you love, though. Corrections sounded cool, but once I graduated high school, the state increased the requirements to apply. Before you just needed a high school diploma to be qualified, now they wanted all applicants to have a degree in criminology or something like that. I took a corrections class to go down the corrections field. As the semester past and the interest in corrections started to die down, until I lost interest in it and abandoned the corrections field. Another thing that tore me away from school was money, but more precisely work.

Work was a bit crazy at first. I worked at some bank for awhile being a basic assistant. The pay was good and livable off of and I liked my job. But inevitably it seemed the bank of my employment was being bought off by a larger national bank franchise. The new manager was an asshole even though I perfected my job, he still wanted more to be done. Hell, he made numerous employees stay another couple hours after closing time to do more work with no overtime pay. I submitted my resignation or quitting slip and served the time I specified till the quitting day. The reason why I did that is because it is better to give an employer a heads up of quitting than to just quite unexpectedly. I guess it shows more of a responsibility and a code of honor, which is good on your resume when applying for a new job. I got another job at some human resources place in Fresco. I was at the bottom job rank of sorting files and retrieving them for desk workers. It was an easy job, but the pay wasn’t really that good. At least I could listen to my Zune as I sorted files which made the job a lot more enjoyable. One day the desk workers half the desk workers quit. The reason was they were in a lotto pool and won 126 million dollars. The 10 desk workers each pocketed around 5 million each after choosing the lump sum option. So the work area was at half it’s production during the most busiest and crucial months of the year. The manager desperately needed to fill the positions, so he promoted me to a desk job. Of course I took a days training on the basic need to know things about the paper work. The next day came and I barely made my quota of completed paper work. The days after that seemed to be smoother, until I started to surpass my quota by four times. I made a little bit more money than the other job, but money is money. I was making money now as oppose to school. I go to school to learn for the future and when I get my education I can make lots of money on my career. But I don’t make any money as I go to school so it hurts now and gets better later. I go to work now, I get money now but I won’t be maximizing my payout gain as I would get with a better education. It is a dilemma that can change lives, money now or education first. It is even more pressuring when your employer wants to give you another promotion to a descent paying job, but you have to work full time.

I drove into my driveway that was now filled with gravel. I got out of the Imperial leaving it outside in front of the garage door. I looked at my house and how it was slowly coming back in the last six months. The fall semester ended and I was glad that it was over. I sat on the growing grass that I planted in the last month. I thought about school and work as I looked at the clouds. “If I quit school my pay will jump from sixteen thousand a year to forty-six year, if I work full time…” the thought of the promotion to senior desk worker job lingered in my mind. “If I go to school still, I will get money from my job, but not as much as full time…” the thought of school jumped back into my mind. I took in a deep breath and got up off the floor. I walked inside and to my room. I went and laid on the bed still thinking on what I should do with my life…

Hey Chaos ^^ Shina here

And since you asked for it, the instructors will bring it

First things first, please use proper grammar. "For real's" is really not professional. Slang should only be used in dialogue when you're a writer.

"It’s over; it’s finally over man...” I spoke out to the group of my friends in *there graduation robes.

* You asked for a critique, and you use the wrong form of "their". Use the possesive form.

Also, your hook, is eh. It's flat, overused, cliche. I think this is another reason you haven't been reviewed yet, Angelfish. It's because your hook didn't exactly catch any fish.

Since you asked for a review, I'll just be flat out honest:

This makes me think that the writer is writing a story about their life because they think their life is "seriously cool" and that other people would be interested in their graduation, when really, the plot has been done before, and well. If this ends up being one of those stories where a guy graduates, and then he talks with other people and gets sappy about what he wants to do with his life, it's cliche.

Remember to add your own little twists to keep things original

Now onto your hook. It's dialogue, but it's too casual. There's nothing that makes the reader wonder what's ahead, because, well, it's graduation and it's been done before. People only watch their own graduation videos. They don't really care for other people's.

You need to start with a line that gives rise to more questions than it answers. It needs to be a unique line that reveals the conflict, the action, the situation, and that's the seed that'll grow.

“Now *were off to bigger and better things[s], now![/s]” my high school buddy Leonard Lane spoke out as we walked to my car.

*should be "we're"

The second "now" is redundant.

The name of the MC's buddy, Leonard Lane, gives me the idea that you didn't spend much time choosing your character's names. Actually, it kind of gives me the feeling that he's real, you just came up with something else to call him. Perhaps calling him "Leo" so it's less formal and changing the last name so it doesn't have so many L's.

You don't really need to say his last name, either. You're just walking to the car.

You use "spoke out" too much, and it's redundant. If you speak, it's already implied that you speak out. Also, it's in the wrong tense. You're in past tense, Angelfish. Just make it "said" and use things like "asked" "replied" rather than "spoke out".

“Damn, college is going to start in a couple weeks*” I said to Leonard in the passenger seat of my 1967 Chrysler Imperial.

*You need a comma after "weeks"

Okay, so your story is really rushed. You were just graduation, and somehow you and Leo ended up outside, and now you're in the car. When you start, you need to stick it out. The beginning of your story is supposed to be where the action starts, where the story begins. You could've just had him at his house looking at graduation photos rather than rush through the whole event. You don't even fill us in on what Leo looks like, or what anything looks like for that matter. The readers only hear words in a black whole, and it's really not catching their attention.

You're doing a whole lot of telling. No one cares that MC's car is a 1967 Chrysler Imperial. If it doesn't contribute to the plot, don't put it in

The difference between showing and telling:

Telling: The guy played his fire-red Stratocaster that was glossed really awesome.

Showing: The boy held his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers across the silver strings.

In the first one, you just hear a whole lot of words jam-packed into a sentence. What is "awesome" and does anyone really care about what kind of guitar it is? I know it's fun giving your characters material items that you wish you had, but unless it's revelant to the plot, don't include it. The readers want to imagine things on their own, not just have it thrown to them ever-so-plainly.

Though it's not such a hot example, with the second one, you can get an image of the guy playing guitar. When you're a writer, you need to paint the world of your story.

“I know it sucks, we just got out from school, now we got to go back?!” Leonard replied [s]disliking the whole school thing.[/s]

That's redundant. He just said that it sucks. Plus, your narrator is being informal. Narrator's don't use slang, or exclamation points. They use "situation" instead of "thing". And even if you keep it in because you like your "voice", editors will scratch it and make you change it.

“Yup, you go to school for thirteen years and you got to back for another two, three, four or even eight depending on what you want as a career” I said to Leonard while watching the road.

You don't need to keep repeating that you're talking to "Leo". And how did you get to the road? You were just in the parking lot @_@

Seriously, this is a conversation that all people have after they graduate. People really don't like hearing about the common graduation because it's cliche and they have graduations themselves. You need some unique things to add to your story, Angelfish. It's getting really boring and I can already guess what the rest of this will look like:

"Man, I don't know what I want to do. What kind of career should I go to, man? Damn, it's so hard."

"Yeah, dude. It's time. The future is here." Leo said as he ran his hand over his brand new high-tech iphone 40G.

If it's anything like that in the next following lines, I'll make my way to the summary.

The car went silent for awhile as it drove on the freeway to Fresco. “Hey, you never told anyone what you wanted as a career, so you decide on anything yet?” Leonard broke the silence in the car.

@_@ Wow, this is really predictable. I think you need to skip this whole chapter and go straight to the part where things get interesting, because this is an info-dump through dialogue.

“To seem richer?... How many times have I told you guys that, I ain’t rich!” I spoke annoyed telling them I wasn’t rich for the 67th time.

Okay, and you're character is rich @_@ There is no conflict here. Only a rich-boy who graduated deciding what he wants to be. Get straight to the point, please. Lingering on the past is no way to do it Like I said, the narrator could've been driving around town, and he could just said "I can't believe school's over." or something because the rest of it doesn't seem important or revelant to the story.
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Okay, so here's the problem with what you have here.

There's no story! It's like a journal of a guy who graduated from college who seems to have everything.
"I havea good job! My grandpa works for the CIA. I'm getting paid a lot. Work was like this."

And the only problem is that he doesn't know what to do with his life! Honestly, this chapter needs to be scratched because it basically says one thing:

"I don't know what I want to do with my life."

Just in many, many words.

Remember that it's better to say something big in a few words, than to say something small with many

Your punctuation is a bit funky, but just read some more and you'll get the hang of it. Conjunctions and homophones are also a problem. Like I said, just practice more on that.

You're being too specific with your car when it's not revelant to the story, at all. Don't mention the brand or year, maybe just colors, shapes, metaphorical comparisons or something.

I'll some everything up to the following:

Less tell-y, more show-y. Less specific, more descriptive.

Get straight to the point. Don't repeat things.

Only include what contributes to the plot.

Include your own twist because graduation and not knowing what to do with your life is too general and flat.

Sorry about that, Angelfish ^^ But I think this would be a better idea if you just went straight to scene that's actually important to the story. If he wants to be a writer, then get to it. Perhaps he works at a newspaper place and he's getting his job, maybe interviewed. Whatever it is, just get to it instead of lingering on these things.

If I missed anything, I apologize in advance. I skimmed through the rest because most of the problems were repetitive. I think you'd have a good idea, but it's just not surfacing here.

If you have any questsions, feel free to PM me.

-Shina

Couple of things, you don't brake into a house, you break into it. This are things that a spell checker won't catch so you really need to proofread (I know, hypocritical of me to say so since I keep making the same mistakes in my own work). Also, unless the rules of grammar since I left high school in 96, you should ALWAYS start a new paragraph when dialogue shifts from one speaker to another.

Hope that helps.

Thanks needed some feedback, now that you mention the beginning it is a bit dull... so got to overhaul it.

Counter Review -

Now detail is essential I take great great pride in detail, but I dislike info dumping. I limit my self to info dumping, you may think that a 1967 Chysler Imperial is "worthless" information, but I see it as essential info on what I am driving. If you don't know what type of car you are driving then what do you know about it? If I say "...a car" that sounds dull to me and gives a question "what type of car? A Ferrari? A Ford GT90? A damn M1-A1 Battle Tank?"... also remember if he was rich, do you think a rich person would really be driving a 1967 Chrysler Imperial? Hell if I was rich I would be driving a Dodge Viper or an expensive Concept car.

The "slang" is part of my writing style and reflects of today's speech, which I try to somewhat try to make to relate to real life. I am not writing about some old English time "So thy shallist wrtie howst I wishist" (do not know if that is correct, just used to prove a point of speech evolution).

Punctuation is something I have to work on, I admit that, never did like it always seems to deter me from writing. I also admit I have some malapropisms and other word problems. The dialog shifting rule... I hate it and won't easily succumb to it. If I follow this rule, my page count will triple so for the sake of saving space I ignore it.

Repeating? Well, I didn't think I did that or maybe not as bad as I have read before... I have seen worst. I will try my best to limit that as well.

I know the plot may seem flat at first just throwing away some information and making you think on what the story will play out as but then I send a head-shot through your thought of the plot. But I will take consideration on what has been reviewed here. Also you must remember what was spoken in the prelude... and does "worthless" info seem worthless in the future? Who knows...

The Counter Review was not intended to attack those who gave reviews, it is just created to explain my reasons on what was detected by reviewers. A little in sight on my reason may be what a reviewer needs to fully understand one's writing style. Nevertheless, I will take all considerations from reviews into mind (especially the beginning part, thanks for pointing that out Shina, defiantly need to overhaul that!) If you feel that you were insulted, I apologize for that.

Changes will not be made until the whole story is foretold. After it has been, then I will go through and do the changes. After the changes are done, I will bring it together as a whole in a single post.

Thanks Everyone!

Anytime Angelfish ^^ Glad you found the review helpful and for being a good sport on my review xD If you have what it takes to learn from criticism, you have what it takes to become a /writer/.

-Shina