The Purple Sphere "2

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Chapter Two

Daniel and I were at the shopping centre. Yeah, all right I know, classic loser teenager place to be. Total cliché, but there’s a reason clichés are clichés. There was bugger all else to do in this piss pot of a town. So there we were sat on the 4th floor ledge, a ledge that had once been white but now, after years of abuse was just a dirty cream colour, peeling to reveal the brown brick underneath. We watched the shoppers go about there business, mums buying there screaming little shits ice creams to stop them getting bored, I was about to say how much I hated the little bastards to Daniel, not that I did, I remember what it was like on those god awful shopping trips for sofa coverings and knickknacks, but because I thought it was the sort of thing I should say, when Daniel leaned over.
“Don’t you hate the little buggers, screaming their fucking heads off?” He said into my ear. He was so close I felt his breath.
I turned and nodded. Daniel looked at me strangely. He turned his head and put out his red lips in a fake sympathetic face. “What’s wrong, are you an icle bit sad? Why are you sad?” I wasn’t sad; Daniel was just bored and was starting to take the piss.
“I’m fine, you fucking arse.”
“You sure, icle baby.” He said in that same voice. I started to laugh, when he grabbed me and forced my head down, I saw my feet and then the vast distance below them, my bum started to slide off the edge of the ledge. I was going to fall. I wanted to shout for Daniel to stop, but my voice didn’t work. The gulf below me threatened to suck me in, I was slipping, and I was actually going to fall.
Daniel still had hold of my head, he threw it backwards and I fell back wards, falling on my back on the safe side of the ledge. He had been in control all along, of course he had, he always was.
“You dick.” I said once I was in control of my breath. “You absolute dick.”
“Lets go.” He moved his legs onto my said of the ledge and jumped onto his feet. “Lets get the fuck out of this shit hole.”
“Where?”
“Away, far away.”
“It’s almost 8, we don’t have time.”
“No.” Daniel shook his head. “Not for today, for ever, this is shit.” He had the look in his eyes again. “This.” He gestured around at the people going around us. “Is SHIT.” As he shouted the last word a woman turned around and shook he head. Daniel walked up to me slowly and grabbed my face. “Lets go away.” He moved his lips towards mine and we kissed. It was like the world around us didn’t exist, the kiss took it all away, I was his and he knew it.
As our lips parted I whispered, “Lets do it.”
I ran home and jumped up the stairs into my bedroom. I throw some clothes into a camping backpack, my parents weren’t home I wish they had been, they might of stopped me. My stuff packed, backpack on my bag I was ready to go. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t anywhere near ready, as I stood at the top of the stairs I paused, I felt like the next steep I took would lead me off the edge, off the end of the world I knew and into Daniels. I had dipped my toe in it, but could I live in it? It was fun to be scared and then go home but what about living in fear? On the other hand I loved him. What should I do?
I jumped.

Dr Harry Keltic’s Diary.
29th of April
7:15
I woke to find the sphere acting strangely, it pulsated fast and the density of it’s colour changes.
10:18
The sphere has slowed it’s pulsing somewhat, though it sporadically seems to return to the previous speeds of pulsing.
20:33
It is no longer a sphere; it has changed into a tunnel. I have called my fellow investigators and they are arriving soon. I have been gripped by a fear I cannot help but link to the sphere. A shadow seems to emanate from the sphere, a dark cloud that haunts everyone her. While it pulsed we were drawn to it, but now it seems to piece our very hearts, I cannot speak for everyone but I for one want to be anywhere but here. However I must investigate this phenomenon until it’s mystery become unravelled and I understand.
Chapter Four
DEATHS AT LAB IN OXFORD
The paper was a couple of weeks old but certain phrases seemed to jump out at me ‘unknown cause’, ‘15 dead’ ‘refusal to make clear what they were working on’ and ‘no-one seen going into the scene.”’
“Have you seen this?” I showed Daniel the paper.
“Why are you reading the fucking paper?” I muttered that it passed the time. “Passes the time, are you fucking serious? Were out here living on our own and you want to pass the time reading the fucking paper?”
“Sorry.” I muttered.
“It’s alright.” Daniel patted me on the cheek and jumped up out of the bed when slept in. “Lets get going.” He smiled with that endless energy he had possessed since we had moved from our homes. We had passed by, living in shitty B&Bs and sleeping in homeless shelters, as I felt like I barely existed anymore and he seemed to only get livelier as things got worse. We left to make our way forward into nothingness once more.




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I haven't read part 1 yet, so I can't say I totally understand what's going on but I really like what I'm reading so far. I found the characters dynamic and interesting. That kiss was a total shocker for me. The language was crude, but thats to be expected for teenagers I suppose. All in all, I liked it. Keep up the good work.




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As requested here's my review


Daniel and I were at the shopping centre. Yeah, all right I know, classic loser teenager place to be.
Total cliché, but there’s a reason clichés are clichés.


no s on the last cliche

We watched the shoppers go about there business,


There is their (ha look at me correcting grammar trust me it will never happen again,)



mums buying there screaming little shits ice creams to stop them getting bored


again there is their

There is like a place. Example: Look of there or I've been there
Their refers to people. Example: Their annoying





He turned his head and put out his red lips in a fake sympathetic face.

Not necessary to say his lips are red.


You sure, icle baby.” He said in that same voice. I started to laugh, when he grabbed me and forced my head down, I saw my feet and then the vast distance below them, my bum started to slide off the edge of the ledge. I was going to fall. I wanted to shout for Daniel to stop, but my voice didn’t work. The gulf below me threatened to suck me in, I was slipping, and I was actually going to fall.
Daniel still had hold of my head, he threw it backwards and I fell back wards, falling on my back on the safe side of the ledge. He had been in control all along, of course he had, he always



repetitive



“Lets go.” He moved his legs onto my said of the ledge and jumped onto his feet. “Lets get the


I'm guessing you mean side not said.


I throw some clothes into a camping backpack
,

This is present tense you usually use past.


.
Dr Harry Keltic’s Diary.
29th of April
7:15
I woke to find the sphere acting strangely, it pulsated fast and the density of it’s colour changes.
10:18
The sphere has slowed it’s pulsing somewhat, though it sporadically seems to return to the previous speeds of pulsing.




WHAT :shock:
Ok I'm extra confused. What's with the shift.

My teacher told me this about my own story, You're Genre must be abundantly clear from the beginning. No there doesn't have to be epic battle of magic but there must be foreshadowing and hints and elements of fantasy. Being as that this is in the fantasy section. Let's say someone buys your book the beginning is very teen romance. Trust me they will be upset if their promised fantasy and they get realistic teen romance. You have your main character interacting with Daniel and there really are no hints to you're genre, and when you do you're to abrupt.

It's like having a regular story about a moody teen and then all of a sudden slapping some one if the face with vampires(Cough cough Meyer)

Your relationship is abrupt as well. The kiss is too soon in the story, To keep the reader interested you string the relationship along. Harry Potter for example took 7 books to get Ron with Hermione, and people ate it up do to the conflict.

Last negative, because it's so vulgar at times you're are limiting the amount of people that will want to read the book. One character with a potty mouth is fine but not two.
Make your main character a little softer with his language.

It is still well written and the characters are developed for as much as you have. Seriously your prologue was amazing and with a few tweaks the whole thing could be really good. I'm sorry if I was mean. I've never made a review on this site this detailed. I'm going to do it for now on. Keep up the good work .
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




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Someone asking me to review a piece? I'm flattered. Let's see then.

Chapter Two

Daniel and I were at the shopping centre. Yeah, all right I know, classic loser teenager place to be. Total cliché, but there’s a reason clichés are clichés. There was bugger all else to do in this piss pot of a town. So there we were sat on the 4th floor ledge, a ledge that had once been white but now, after years of abuse was just a dirty cream colour, peeling to reveal the brown brick underneath. We watched the shoppers go about [s]there[/s] their business, mums buying [s]there[/s] Come on. Their. Quite basic. :D screaming little shits ice creams to stop them from getting bored, Whoa whoa whoa, hold it right here. Your sentence is getting very long and it's starting to contain a lot of info. Full stops are there to tell the reader's brain to stop and digest what's been said and move on, and I think one's needed here. It makes the text flow better. I was about to say how much I hated the little bastards to Daniel, I'd use a ; here instead. not that I did, I remember what it was like on those god awful shopping trips for sofa coverings and knickknacks, but because I thought it was the sort of thing I should say, when Daniel leaned over.

“Don’t you hate the little buggers, screaming their fucking heads off?” He said into my ear. He was so close I felt his breath.

I turned and nodded. Daniel looked at me strangely. He turned his head and put out his red lips in a fake sympathetic face. “What’s wrong, are you an icle bit sad? Why are you sad?” I wasn’t sad; Daniel was just bored and was starting to take the piss.

“I’m fine, you fucking arse.”

“You sure, icle baby.” He said in that same voice. I started to laugh, when he grabbed me and forced my head down, I'd use a full stop here. I saw my feet and then the vast distance below them, Either use a full stop here or find a way to connect the two sentences, for example "as my bum..." my bum started to slide off the edge of the ledge. I was going to fall. I wanted to shout for Daniel to stop, but my voice didn’t work. This looks a bit weird to me, I think it could be worded better. The gulf below me threatened to suck me in, Another bit where I'd use a ; instead. Not a biggie though. I was slipping, and I was actually going to fall.

Daniel still had hold of my head, A full stop here I say, it looks weird to me. I might be mangling your grammar by the way, I'm not an expert! But it looks wrong... :) he threw it backwards and I fell [s]back wards[/s] backwards, falling on my back on the safe side of the ledge. He had been in control all along, of course he had, he always was.

“You dick.” I said once I was in control of my breath. “You absolute dick.”

“Lets go.” He moved his legs onto my [s]said[/s] side of the ledge and jumped onto his feet. “Lets get the fuck out of this shit hole.”

“Where?”

“Away, far away.”

“It’s almost 8, we don’t have time.”

“No.” Daniel shook his head. “Not for today, [s]for ever[/s] forever, this is shit.” He had the look in his eyes again. “This.” He gestured around at the people going around us. “Is SHIT.” As he shouted the last word a woman turned around and shook her head. Daniel walked up to me slowly and grabbed my face. “Lets go away.” He moved his lips towards mine and we kissed. It was like the world around us didn’t exist, the kiss took it all away, I was his and he knew it.

As our lips parted I whispered, “Lets do it.”

I ran home and jumped up the stairs into my bedroom. I [s]throw[/s] threw some clothes into a camping backpack, A full stop here. my parents weren’t home And here, or at least a ; I wish they had been, they might [s]of[/s] have stopped me. My stuff packed, backpack on my [s]bag[/s] back? I was ready to go. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t anywhere near ready, A full stop here. as I stood at the top of the stairs I paused, Another full stop or a ; I felt like the next ste[s]e[/s]p I took would lead me off the edge, off the end of the world I knew and into Daniel's. I had dipped my toe in it, but could I live in it? It was fun to be scared and then go home but what about living in fear? On the other hand I loved him. What should I do?

I jumped.

Like the imagery of jumping here. However as is, the next bit is slightly sudden. I can imagine it working just fine in a book as I turn into a next page and find this though.

Dr Harry Keltic’s Diary.

29th of April

7:15

I woke to find the sphere acting strangely, it pulsated fast and the density of it’s colour changes.

10:18

The sphere has slowed it’s pulsing somewhat, though it sporadically seems to return to the previous speeds of pulsing.

20:33

It is no longer a sphere; it has changed into a tunnel. I have called my fellow investigators and they are arriving soon. This is slightly odd. Try something along the lines of "are due to arrive", maybe? I have been gripped by a fear I cannot help but link to the sphere. A shadow seems to emanate from the sphere, You don't need to refer to the same object over and over, the word it will do the job just fine now. :) a dark cloud that haunts everyone here. While it pulsed we were drawn to it, but now it seems to piece our very hearts, I'd put a full stop here. I cannot speak for everyone but I for one want to be anywhere but here. However I must investigate this phenomenon until it’s mystery becomes unravelled and I understand.

Chapter Four

DEATHS AT LAB IN OXFORD

The paper was a couple of weeks old but certain phrases seemed to jump out at me: ‘unknown cause’, ‘15 dead’ ‘refusal to make clear what they were working on’ and ‘no-one seen going into the scene.”’

“Have you seen this?” I showed Daniel the paper.

“Why are you reading the fucking paper?” I muttered that it passed the time. “Passes the time, are you fucking serious? We're out here living on our own and you want to pass the time reading the fucking paper?”

“Sorry.” I muttered.

“It’s alright.” Daniel patted me on the cheek and jumped up out of the bed when Uh, what? I think you mean we? :D slept in. “Lets get going.” He smiled with that endless energy he had possessed since we had moved from our homes. We had passed by, Passed by what? This is a bit confusing... living in shitty B&Bs and sleeping in homeless shelters, and or a full stop here, I'd say...as I felt like I barely existed anymore [s]and[/s] he seemed to only get livelier as things got worse. We left to make our way forward into nothingness once more.


Alright! The good news is that your characters have a nice amount of depth and I find the abundant swearing in the dialogue amusing. However I don't think everyone will like that, as the previous poster mentioned. I'd agree that toning the main character's cussing down a bit would probably be a good idea.

I especially like the main character's psychological conflicts, good job describing his/her thoughts on that regard.

What seriously bothers me is that I can't make out whether the main character is male or female! I don't really know what the characters look like either.

You could do with describing the world they live in a bit more, like the places they went through, the bed they slept in... Stuff like that.

I'm not sure if I like the diary excercept here. It's very sudden and seems very disconnected from what is happening to your characters at the present. The first entries are very limited as well. If you want to reveal stuff that's happening in a completely different place and time, why not make the scientist a character in the story and tell his story as well, taking turns with the two runaway teenagers? It is quite a bit of extra work though, just thought I'd toss the idea at you...

And watch that grammar! I had to use a lot of red pen on this one. Put emphasis on getting your sentences into a manageable length, since you have a tendency to pass three full-blown sentences to the reader as one, separated only by commas. It gets confusing and hard to read, so chop them up a bit. :)

But overall, I'm getting intrigued by the experiment now. Keep writing!
Art is not about thinking something up. It is the opposite -- getting something down.
~Julia Cameron



In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien