Fiction

I wrote this at a writing workshop at Alfred University. We had to start with "I am", and end with "Little did I know."

The English Professor who critiqued it gave it back with a lot of suggestions but I decided to get a second opinion before I change anything.
Thanks.

************

I am standing with my friends, waiting our turn to ride the greatest rollercoaster in the theme park. I could barely hold my excitement for what has yet to come. This is the first time I have ever rode a rollercoaster and the first time I have ever been to an amusement park – Six Flags Darien Lake.
Our fifth grade class had raised enough money to actually leave our town, instead of taking our field trip to a local park as the previous years had to.
We arrived half an hour ago, fighting to get off the bus first, desperate to breathe clean and old-people-free air. Most of us left the bus with a headache due to the broken seatbelts that had caused us to hit our head onto the next person’s shoulder when the bus jerked or turned.
I was unfortunate enough to have been sitting next to an old lady, who gabbed on and on about how when she was my age, studies were more important than fun. They had a school back that far?
Whenever I hit my head on her shoulder, I smelled cat and urine.
Ick.
***
“Do you think it’s going to be really high?”
“That’s what the commercial said.”
“Oh my god, my cousin Rachel rode it and said the guy next to her puked.”
“Eww.”
My friends and I chatter noisily as we wait in line. Around me, I could hear the sounds of exhilarated children, rushing water, crying babies, buzzing insects and something delicious cooking in the restaurant nearby. The sky was blue, the clouds puffs of huge marshmallows, the sun’s rays shining not too hot, but distant and comforting.
I noticed we were not moving. Funny, there seemed to be nobody moving at all. I open my mouth to make this comment.
“Hey guys, wer –”
The door in front opens, and a man in shades and black suit steps out. Everybody perks up, and the once loud chatters quieted down to a and attentive, quiet roar.
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, this Rollercoaster is now closed. I’m sorry for your wait, but we are experiencing technical difficulties.”
My heart hits rock bottom. Of course.

A series of loud, exasperated groans followed after people process what he said. The people in the back hadn’t heard, they smile – thinking it’s something good. Somebody shouts they had been waiting in line for nearly two hours. The guy with shades just shakes his head. People start to leave. Another guy cusses furiously and stomps away. The people in the back are still standing there, still confused because nobody had bothered to tell them.
My friends and I search for another Rollercoaster. We find one. Not a good one, but a rollercoaster. We hurriedly board the wooden beauty and follow instructions to fasten seatbelts. We were going on an adventure.
Little did I know, that after that day, I find my worst fear.

Hey, I didn't find many grammar problems with this. Only a few:

This is the first time I have ever rode a rollercoaster [add comma] and the first time I have ever been to an amusement park – Six Flags Darien Lake.

Most of us left the bus with a headache due to the broken seatbelts that had caused us to hit our head onto the next person’s shoulder when the bus jerked or turned.
I was unfortunate enough to have been sitting next to an old lady, who gabbed on and on about how when she was my age, studies were more important than fun. They had a school back that far?

My first concern is this: Were they taking a public bus, or a school bus? Usually for class trips you would take a school bus which leads me to my next point, usually buses don't have seatbelts.
Also, with the sentence I bolded, I would re-word it. Maybe something like this: They had schools back in her day? I just thought it sounded kind of weird.

“Do you think it’s going to be really high?”
“That’s what the commercial said.”
“Oh my god, my cousin Rachel rode it and said the guy next to her puked.”
“Eww.”

This is a talking head. You need to add more description, like how they said the things, did they move their hands or use gestures, who was talking?

I could hear the sounds of exhilarated children, rushing water,

Why is there rushing water? Is their a waterpark nearby, because at the Six Flags by my house there is.

I noticed we [s]were[/s] we're not moving.

OK, that's all for that. I really liked this story. But, it's kind of predictable, but the predictability is almost impossible to avoid. I think that the MC is going to hate rollercoasters. (Weird, just kidding ) And I like that idea, because a lot of people are afraid of roller coasters. There aren't many errors. Good job, and you've successfully made me more excited for Six Flags, I'm going tomorrow.