Just give it some time

Hey, I haven't been on YWS in ages! I was never much of a writer and I'm even worse now! Anyway, critiques are greatly thanked Meg xoxox

Just give it some time

You can't eat, you can't sleep
it's like you're just not there.
You're drowning, you're loosing
all of the hope that's left.
Your begging, your pleading
but no one really cares.
You're screaming, you're shouting
but no one is listening.

I see the tears of pain as they fall down your cheeks.
You hide them well but I can see through your disguise,
because I know you all to well,
you're the girl I used to be, the teenager known as me.

You're crying at night but
nobody can hear you,
because their too busy
with their own private lives.
Your mothers ignoring,
your fathers complaining.
They just don't understand
Why can't they understand?

Believe me when I say this won't last forever.
Your time is coming, just give it some more time,
because I know you all to well.
you're the girl I used to be, the teenager known as me

Hello there!

I think your poem had a great message in the end. That's really the core of what you're trying to get across and even though it's a bit outdated, it's still a real message, so it's important to tell that to people! I liked the poem for that reason, however I think you could have presented it in a more poetic manner. I'll explain.

Your first three stanzas are more or less lists of the terrible things going on in this teenager's life, and then the last stanza is the message to that teenager. You right out say your theme: give it more time. And it's okay to clearly state your poem's theme, but also, you need to put the theme inside the poem. Instead of making it a grocery list of teenage issues vaguely gone over, why not give us a single situation, and paint that picture? Parents arguing with the person over...whatever. Show that scene and use poetic devices (imagery of the senses, metaphor, symbolism etc) to put us, the reader, in that situation and make us feel like and relate to the teenager. This is a very important thing to do because as soon as we can relate to the speaker/subject of the poem, the message of it will start applying to us as well and the poem will be more lovely!

So that's my general rant on what you need to do to improve your presentation but I'll give a short list of things that'll help overall:

1. Don't use the second person "You" and speak to the reader. It makes me feel like you're either writing a letter to someone else, or you're speaking to me, both of which is bad. I'd say do it in third person, or maybe first. You want to paint a picture, not direct your reader as to their life story.

2. Use poetic devices to paint the picture and make the emotions real. Don't use phrases like "You're drowning." Instead, say, "The stress of the moment crawls down her throat, lodging between her air passage, constrict all hope to gasp for air - and cry." Obviously it's not that pretty, but do you see how it is more vivid and tactile? It will put the reader right in the moment, rather than just give them a random verb to mull over.

3. Read over your poetry and don't be afraid to edit. You have some grammar errors here and there, probably due to typos. For example: "because [s]their[/s] too busy", "because they're too busy." Read over your poem a few times, three, five maybe until you feel comfortable with what you're presenting. Try to see it not as a writer, but as a reader. Does it make you feel anything? Does it make you think? What is its message? If you can't answer any of these questions, go over it and see where, how, and if you can improve. Not that I think it is true with this poem, but sometimes, a poem merely cannot be salvaged!

I hope this helped! Sorry if I seemed a little jumbled; it was my first review in a long while! If you have any questions feel free to PM me and I'll try to get back to them promptly.

Hi Skins!

You say you're not much of a write, but I think your better than you think. Itwas actually pretty good, and the message got through. It was a strong message too. The poem had a good flow and I like how you've set it into stanzas. I also love its style! It makes the reader feel and be in-touch. Well done for achieving that!

Just a few hints..."you're loosing" (line 3) is supposed to be "losing" with one "o". This poem could also be a bit more poetic, to make it smoother and gentle.

But, I liked it all the same. Good work and my best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Hi! This has such a strong message. I am sure every teenager can relate to this. There is so much emotion and depth to your poem. The flow was nice. I love the style of the poem. Remarks on grammar have already been covered. Great job!

Well, that really hits hard with me.
Very well written and it seemed to me somewhat of a daydream.
I found this poem exceptional, with a wonderful message at the end.
Your spelling and grammar are good, and I found your flow nice and smooth
Keep writing!
~WickedWonder