This Pen is Retired, II

I cannot write you anymore,
My golden pen has fallen;
It faltered, shattered, breathed last,
And now it's dead and barren.

I wrote you pretty verses once,
Of love and pain and laughter;
My pen once sang grand symphonies,
But silent be hereafter.

I cannot make you sigh nor smile,
My words have lost their power;
I cannot make the world a poem,
Nor tie two lines together.

The sky is blue, the grass is green,
Is all I'll ever manage;
I'll never find the perfect rhyme,
No matter how I forage.

I cannot write you anymore,
My words hold no more power;
For you have left my folded arms,
Now write again, I'll never.

Love it bf! I'm trying out for the Heights. I'm making it a mission to print your works there! They're all so awesome! I love that it's now a series! Write more! Apparently "writers' block" is not even a hindrance for you. Hi-five! Haha...

Hey Nixie ^^ Shina here, and I'll be doing a review for you this evening

I cannot write you anymore,
My golden pen has fallen;

Decent imagery here ^^

It faltered, shattered, breathed last,

I believe it should be "took its last breath" instead of "breathed last". Just a little grammar error there.

And now it's dead and barren.

I think "and" is ruining the flow for me here. Maybe "Now it lay there, dead and barren" or without "there"

I wrote you pretty verses once,
Of love and pain and laughter;

I think the second line would work better as "of love, pain, and laughter;"
Also, the "you" is confusing because I'm not sure if you're talking to the pen or (inserthere)

My pen once sang grand symphonies,
But silent be hereafter.

D: You mentioned me xD *is honored* lol, jk. I think you shouldn't just say "grand symphonies" but maybe change it to "My pen once sang the grandest of symphonies." I think it just needed another syllable.
And also, add more syllables to the second line :
"But remain silent hereafter", unless that's a grammar error @_@

I cannot make you sigh or smile,

*Or should be "nor"

My words have lost their power;
I cannot make the world a poem,
Nor tie two lines together.

I like this ^^ But it needs some adjectives for imagery.

The sky is blue, the grass is green,
Is all I'll ever manage;

You need to put quotes around those:
"The sky is blue, the grass is green,"

I'll never find the perfect rhyme,
No matter how I forage.

I think you should add "again" after "never" because the narrator once was a great writer.

I cannot write you anymore,
My words hold no more power;
For you have left my folded arms,
Now write again, I'll never.

The "folded arms" part is confusing, so maybe mention something about a hand, which is where pens usually are.

Also, the last line is confusing. I think you need to make "I'll" into "I shall", but it might just be me.

Hey-ow! I found this poem to be enchanting; I thought it was a real treat to read! I loved the imagery that you chose for this piece. Very nicely done!

A few things I'd like to point out that really caught my attention...

I wrote you pretty verses once,
Of love and pain and laughter;

I know that angels-symphony said that the second line would be better re-written without the word "and" used between the words. However, just to offer a different opinion, I thought that I'd mention that I personally like the way that it is written. Of course, mine is the opinion of a mere amateur, but I just thought that I'd put it out there.

My pen once sang grand symphonies,
But silent be hereafter.

I like the way that you tied together music and writing here. It's nice to see two different kinds of art tied together like this... or maybe I'm just a little too obsessed with music! Either way, I liked it, so I thought I'd point it out.

Keep the writing coming!

Thanks a lot for the reviews.

bf: Good luck sa Heights.

KayC: Thank you very much for that.

Shina: Hmm... I'll have to fix those up. Perhaps I did it messily. The 'breathed last' line is a wordplay on took his last breath, in order for it to fit the rhythm. I'll see what I can do with this.

--Knightly

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:I cannot write you anymore,
My golden pen has fallen;
It faltered, shattered, breathed last,

Consider changing the last line to 'faltered, shattered, breathed it's last' for clarity and flow.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:I wrote you pretty verses once,
Of love and pain and laughter;
My pen once sang grand symphonies,
But silent be hereafter.

Possibly this verse would be more clear with the last line "will silent be hereafter", or by changing the last two lines of this verse to "The pen that sang grand symphonies/ will silent be hereafter."

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:
My words have lost their power;

Good, simple, open line for the verse message.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:The sky is blue, the grass is green,
Is all I'll ever manage;
I'll never find the perfect rhyme,
No matter how I forage.

Possibly change 'the perfect rhyme' to 'that perfect rhyme'



I truly liked this poem. It's a nicely rendered piece of work. I'd be happy to read more of your work.