Tomboy

To me brand new Nikes
Are like dresses,
to any other girl.
At school basketball at morn,
Later football on TV
That makes up my world.

No gossip, no make up
Forget silly lipsticks,
I prefer slam dunks.
Wrestling is better
Ok, you may think
I've been hypnotized by punks.

I like myself the way I am
Different from others,
That's the fact that gives me joy.
I love being crazy,
Punching people around
I'm your usual friendly tomboy!

Hiya, Swanton!


I liked how you brought up the contrast between girliness and tomboyness, and the poem is light and fun to read. However, even though I like rhyming poems, I only like them when the rhyming hits me with its brilliance, and in this poem, your rhymes seemed forced. Rhyming is hard to do, I know, so in case you're not 100% sure your rhymes will work, better option would be to forget the rhyming altogether. There's even more non-rhyming poetry out there nowadays, and though it might feel funny not to rhyme at first, you'll get used to it after a few tries. However, keep in mind I'm not suggesting you to get rid of rhyming, because rhyming is a delightful aspect when done right. You just need to practice it like you would practice any other thing. You can try collecting good rhymes even when you're not thinking about writing a poem, and you could try making them interesting and new, something other than "love - dove".

Also, if you notice at some point you can't rhyme a certain word, don't try to find just any word that rhymes with it. You see, this kind of action has "fake" written all over it, and then the readers won't enjoy it, which would be a shame.

For this poem, I'd consider rebuilding if I were you. By this I mean expanding – at least one or two new stanzas, because the subject of this poem is fun and not often used – and rethinking the rhymes. Also, if you haven't already, read the poem out loud to find out everything that sounds out of place and out of rhythm. Practice makes almost perfect, remember! =D

For any questions about the review or anything at all, just PM me!


Demeter
xxx