i can see it now..

those still frames..
can't hide shit..
your not happy...
i can see it..
the empty smile..
not matching
your worried eyes..

i can see it...
and its tearing me apart..
this saddness that
is forced to grow..
with pasting days
with tomarrow in mind..
a perticully bad time of the year..
where aniversieries may
remake them selves known..
i can see it now..

and at this time,
this place..
we can collectivly remember..
past events..
future fears..
and present doubts..
we're forced to remember it all..
whilst we hide
what we're really feeling..

I can see it now..


Moderator: Edited for rating.

Ok review time!

I love how this flows! It's amazing.

The only thing that I see is that you misspelled passing, anniversary, tomorrow, particularly, and themselves is one word.

Well, that's all I've got!

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Loved it!

those still frames..
can't hide shit..
your not happy...
i can see it.. so at the start i thought it was rhyming 'cause of this, but it's less forced not.
the empty smile..
not matching
your worried eyes.. really liked this stanza, the idea of picture frames not showing who a person really is or what they are actually feeling is a strong image for me.

i can see it...
and its tearing me apart..
this saddness that
is forced to grow..
with passing days
with tomorrow in mind..
a particularly bad time of the year..
where anniversaries may
remake themselves known..
i can see it now..
all the spelling mistakes in this stanza, although they interuppted the flow a bit for me, with them gone i think this stanza again is amazing. i didn't like it as much as the first one though. for me it doesn't read as well. still good though.

and at this time,
this place..
we can collectivly remember..
past events..
future fears..
and present doubts..
we're forced to remember it all..
whilst we hide
what we're really feeling..

Wonderful finish. This poem seems to capture the sadness of unhappy marriage really well!


I can see it now..

haha thank you aqua and flower...

may i ask for some more reviews / comments ?

Hey!

I liked it. I guess that's all I can really say.

You had a few typos, but nothing too serious.

those still frames..

I was a little confused with the periods at the beginning, but at the end I rather liked it. It gave it a sense of... uniqueness.

and at this time,

this place..

we can collectivly remember..

past events..

future fears..

and present doubts..

we're forced to remember it all..

whilst we hide

what we're really feeling..



I can see it now..

Absolutely loved the ending. It made a great poem perfect.


Um, otherwise, awesome job! I loved how your poem flowed so nicely.

Keep up the good work!

zOe

I must say...nice poem.The beginning was good-straight down to business.

The poem has clarity and is great because of its simplicity both,in words and presentation.

If I got the poem right...its about fake display of feelings and how the narrator saw through it,right?

thank you blu .....

most of this is very abstract and a bit contradicting.

you make a few spelling errors here and there and they've been pointed out already.

on to my review.

it is a very meaningful piece, however it seems that in some lines you just repeat a previous sentiment for the sake of enforcing it's emotion, though you do it pretty dully and it doesnt exactly give off the feeling and emotion you might have been going for.

Also the first part rhymes at some places...then stops.

I'm not much of a fan of that, though I've done it once or twice mostly out of inconvenience.

It also seems to me to jump from sentiment to sentiment.

However, that aside, it was a very thoughtful piece and the chaos within it was very well done and calculated. With a little work and re-working gof the lines and spacing I'm sure this could be the great piece it was meant to be.

Exe's and Oh's,
Eraqio.

brilliant subject .... can relate to this myself ... but where is does it lead .... ? maybe a momnt of realisation would further benifit the fact that you can see it ... in the end ... this is nothing right or wrong just something to think about .... good work man

brilliant subject .... can relate to this myself ... but where does it lead .... ? maybe a moment of realisation would further benifit the fact that you can see it ... in the end ... this is nothing right or wrong just something to think about .... good work man

thanks era and enlightened...your reviews are much welcomed =]