Smile

Smile

My eyes ache when they watch your face,
refusing to smile, smile
like you did a long time ago
in the bright light of the sun
you sparkled, a ray of your own light.

But now that sheepish grin has faded
in the hours of pain you have faced.
The lights have vanished and
the darkness has won its first battle

I tell you it is but one battle in the war,
but you believe you have failed.
You think you can never win
the battle was too important, too vital to your survival.

It was not, my friend!
You can still succeed
with me at your side,
armed as your comrade, not your enemy.

So just believe me,
you precious creature!
Believe that the war is not over.
You will not lose if you remember to smile.

Another random "I don't know if I hate it or love it."

I love it!

You seem to want to stick with four lines per stanza, but I think the last line in the third stanza would work better as two separate lines.

I think the last line would work better as "You will not lose if you remember to smile." I don't know... it's kind of a weak line.

I love "you precious creature!" though. Very nice. And overall I thought it was a great poem.

The first thing I noticed about this is how your enjambement is completely pointless. If you threw all the lines into one continuing chain, it wouldn't lose any of its effect. This is the exact thing that I did, to think that taking something and separating the phrases into different lines made it a poem. This is really just a structured freewrite or maybe a love note. Hm... this gives me an idea for another debate- what exactly makes a poem? It's a mystery to me, because this appears to be a poem but doesn't feel very poetic to me.

I really like it! Good choice of words...great write.

I really love it. Some really good lines. I like the way you mentioned the title a few times throughout the piece. Good work.

Yeah, this was really nice. I really like it a lot. Great choice of words and a nice flow I think. Why wouldn't you like it? I think it's beautiful.

I really liked the first two stanzas, but after that things felt just a little cliched to me... but that may be because I've heard so many people say this to me that it's getting old.

I have a few problems with the ideas in the poem (ie. the idea that smiling will solve everything), but that's my personal preference. The wording and flow was well done and it had a strong opening and ending. So well done.

Wait, Bobo, you've confused me... can you send me an example of what you consider "true poetry". I'd just like to get an idea of what you mean... right now I am completely at a loss as to what you mean. Sorry.

And Duskglimmer, I agree. Smiling does NOT solve... much of anything. Oh well. I tried.

I liked this a lot. It instilled this feeling that made me just want to reach out and help the person in need. A very good job.
The few things that bothered me were one: the first line seemed a little... overused. I mean, you expounded on it later and it was not cliche, but perhaps rewording that first line to make it sound more unique would improve this poem. The only other thing that bothered me was the 'armed with the brightness of laughter' I understand your meaning here, but somehow it just didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. Perhaps 'armed with the gift of mercy' or 'with the intensity of love' or something like that, but overall, I thought this poem was great. Nice job