The Purple Sphere

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Prologue

The darkness chased me, following my every step, staying one step behind me. I ran, my breath beating off my chase, dust flew into my eyes but I ignored it. I was running not just for my life, but for existence itself. I knew the answer.
In front of me I saw the not the purple sphere I had expected, but a man. It was Daniel; in his hand he held the sphere of the universe. In his other hand he held a gun. As he fired it at me I realized… I didn’t know the answer at all.

Chapter One.
4 Years Earlier
I gave Daniel the last cigarette and passed him the lighter. He rolled his thumb down to spark it and breathed in. I smiled and held out my hand for a drag.
“Fuck off you knob. What’s the point in giving me a cig and then taking it off me?” He asked in a mock high-pitched voice.
“Fucking one drag isn’t the whole cig is it? Give it me.” He laughed and handed me the fag. “Thanks… you dick”. He smiled as I took a drag and handed him the cig back.
The park was pretty empty at this time; the kids had been taken inside by their parents and the chav teenagers weren’t here yet. Not that you wouldn’t have thought we were chavs sitting there smoking, but honestly we weren’t.
I never used to act like this though, not that smoking was anything really rebellious but I had just never done it before Daniel gave me one. Even then I didn’t like it really but I learnt to. I still didn’t smoke that much, maybe a 20pack a week, hardly Rod Stewart.
Daniel was always making me do stuff I hadn’t done before. It was scary but fun, you have to try new things and Daniel made me. He was fearless, with his black hair falling down by his shoulders and his bright blue eyes begging you not to let him down. He was better than me; his friendship was a kindness I could never repay. But I could try. I would try.
“What you thinking about, you massive gay?”
“What?” I asked roused out of my musings.
“I asked you what you were thinking about.”
“Oh, nothing. Just that,” I cast around for a subject “Simon Cowell’s a cunt isn’t he?”
“Yeah mate.” He answered lazily, “He’s a total prick.”
“Rich though, I’d take his life.” I said, desperate he wouldn’t know what I’d really been thinking.
“Not me.” He turned round and I saw that look that so engrossed me. “I’m gonna be so much bigger, money isn’t enough, you’ve gotta have power with it.” His eyes burned with a passion I could never have.
“What like Prime Minister or summit?” Daniel looked at me for a moment and then laughed, he laughed so loudly it made my skin prickle.
“You… are… a… total… arse.” He just about got out between he gales of laughter.

A few hours later I was on my own in the park, the chavs hadn’t shown even though the sun had set. The park was intimidating in the dark. The children’s play things remained un-ridden, and there was no laughter. Instead there was a deadly silence. This park had been built for a reason and when it didn’t fulfil it, it just felt wrong.
When I got home my parents were asleep as usual. I fell onto the sofa and switched on sky sports news. There was some shit about a transfer and then an ad break. I switched it off and went to bed.

Dream One
I walked through the webbing. It was thick and strong, like an old pillar in ancient Greece or Rome. The whole world around me had a reddish hue about it, apart from the distance. That was purple, as usual and it swirled in a spiral. I walked forward, dodging the holes in the ground. Eventually I saw in front of me the man with no eyes. He held his guitar close to him, strumming the same three chords he always did, E minor, A minor and C. A brown coat adorned his back, tatty and torn. He wore a hat of brown leather and had black trousers with a hole at the knees; his feet disappeared into the void below the webbing. I smiled and walked past him. I had tried to speak to him before but he had just kept strumming. As soon as I got thirsty I saw the well to my left. It was made of grey stone; a brown roof protected it from objects and rain that never fell. The water was black as it always was; I drank it anyway and proceeded onwards.

It seemed to take longer than usual to reach the house. It was a small cottage, a wheel turned by its side though it courts no water. The roof was obviously thatch, though it was red. The big lady stood at the front outside an open door, with her arms wide open.
“Youngster!” She shouted as I ran towards her and gave her a hug. Inside I ate a good meal of food I had never seen before and talked a lot with the big lady and her husband, who never said much but just nodded along.
As I left the house I looked towards the purple sphere that stood just beyond the cottage.
“You don’t wanna go there, youngster.” The big lady told me. She bent down and smiled. “You just stay in the webbing alright.” I nodded and walked back the way I had come. As I felt myself waking, I knew that when I did I would remember none of it.
Last edited by Quibbons Quill on Fri Jul 10, 2009 10:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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:D Hey I'll be reviewing your piece today.

Quibbons Quill wrote:Prologue
The darkness chased me, following my every step, staying one step behind me.


Cut out the staying one step behind me. You got the point across already.




In front of me I saw the not the purple sphere I had expected, but a man. It was Daniel; in his hand he held the sphere of the universe. In his other hand he held a gun. As he fired it at me
I realised… I didn’t know the answer at all.


realized not realised


Chapter One.
4 Year Earlier


add a s to year

“Fuck off you knob. What’s the point in giving me a cig and then taking it off me?” He asked in a high-pitched voice.


Ok I no very little about this character, but I assumed that some one that smokes and cusses would be more macho. Why is his voice high pitched. I'm not sure if you've seen the movie UP, but this reminds the evil dog with the high voice.


“Fucking one drag isn’t the whole cig is it? Give it me.”


to in-between it and me




The park was pretty empty at this time, the kids had been taken inside by there parents and the chav teenagers, weren’t there yet.


I'm not sure what chav is.



“What like Prime Minister or summit?”


I could be wrong but I can't recall any slang that says summit. Summtin I've heard.



Daniel looked at me for a moment and then laughed, he laughed so loudly it made my skin pickle.
“You… are… a… total… arse.” He just about got out between he gales of laughter.



I believe you mean prickle not pickle. Although I'd say. It made my skin crawl.

off and went to bed.

knew that in the morning I would remember none of it.



Ok there seem to be some grammatical mistakes, which I have no room to speak about since my drafts are filled with them. So I'll leave the rest to a more qualified individual.

So that leaves plot.

Ok I like the premise of the Prologue, but it seemed a bit empty. Show how the character is feeling. The fear the confusion. The prologue could be a major draw.

The story is a bit confusing mainly due to slang, and grammar but from what I could tell you were headed in a good direction. Already you're character seems to have more depth then most first person stories. So keep up the good work. :D
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




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Hi there! I'll now do a magic trick! In this post, I shall give you an exact copy of your works, only mangled! :D Let's begin...

Prologue
The darkness chased me, following [s]my every step, staying one step behind me[/s]. Could do without this. Like someone already pointed out, you've got your point across. I ran, my breath beating of my chase, I'm sorry, but I don't understand the message you're trying to convey here. Beating off my chest maybe? dust flew into my eyes but I ignored it. This sentence here seems a bit cut-off. I think this case warrants a full stop instead of a comma. I was running not just for my life, but for my? existence. I knew the answer.
In front of me I saw [s]the[/s] not the purple sphere I had expected, but a man. It was Daniel; in his hand he held the sphere of the universe. In his other hand he held a gun. As he fired it at me I realised… I didn’t know the answer at all. I like the last bit here. Good bait not letting us know whether he dies or not.

Chapter One.
4 Year Earlier
I gave Daniel the last cigarette and passed him the lighter. He rolled his thumb down to spark it and breathed in. I smiled and held out my hand for a drag.
“Fuck off you knob. What’s the point in giving me a cig and then taking it off me?” He asked in a high-pitched voice.
“Fucking one drag isn’t the whole cig is it? Give it to? me.” He laughed and handed me the fag. “Thanks… you dick”. He smiled as I took a drag and handed him the cig back. I think it should be "the cig back to him."
The park was pretty empty at this time, the kids had been taken inside by [s]there[/s] their parents and the chav teenagers, <- strike this comma, it's not needed and the story flows better without it. weren’t there You're writing in first person, right? I think the park would be "here" in that case. yet. Not that you wouldn’t have thought we were chav’s chavs. Chav's is a possessive, eg. Chav's property. Chavs is what we want. :) sitting there smoking, but honestly? we weren’t.
I never used to act like this though, not that smoking was anything really rebellious but I had just never done it before Daniel gave me one. Even then I didn’t like it really but I learnt to. I still didn’t smoke that much, maybe a 20pack a week, hardly Rod Stewart.
Daniel was always making me do stuff I hadn’t done before. It was scary but fun, you have to try new things and Daniel made me. He was fearless, with his black hair falling down by his shoulders and his bright blue eyes begging you not to let him down. He was better than me; his friendship was a kindness I could never repay. But I could try. I would try. Loving these descriptions, brilliant.
“What you thinking about, you massive gay?”
“What?” I asked, roused out of my musings.
“I asked you what you were thinking about.”
“Oh, nothing. Just that,” I cast around for a subject “Simon Cowell’s a cunt isn’t he?”
“Yeah mate.” He answered lazily, “He’s a total prick.”
“Rich though, I’d take his life.” I said, desperate he wouldn’t know what I’d really been thinking.
“Not me.” He turned round and I saw that look that so engrossed me. “I’m gonna be so much bigger, money isn’t enough, you’ve gotta have power with it.” His eyes burned with a passion I could never have.
“What like Prime Minister or summit?” Daniel looked at me for a moment and then laughed, he laughed so loudly it made my skin pickle.
“You… are… a… total… arse.” He just about got out between he gales of laughter.

A few hours later I was on my own in the park, the chavs hadn’t shown even though the sun had set. The park was intimidating in the dark. The children’s play things remained un-ridden, and there was no laughter. Instead there was a deadly silence, Wow, so silent it kills? Also, I'd put a full stop there and start a new sentence. this park had been built for a reason and when it didn’t fulfill it, it just felt wrong.
When I got home my parents were asleep as usual. I feel fell? onto the sofa and switched on sky sports news. There was some shit about a transfer and then an ad break. I switched it off and went to bed.

Dream One
I walked through the webbing, it wasn’t like spider webs though it was different, thick like a pillar but it moved as I brushed it. This is a very long and awkward sentence. I'd try cutting it into a couple smaller sentences. The whole thing The webs? The area? Not entirely clear, but maybe I'm just a moron. had a reddish hue about it, apart from the distance. That was purple as usual, and it swirled in a spiral. I walked forward, dodging the holes in the ground. Eventually I saw in front of me the man with no eyes. He held his guitar close to him, strumming the same three chords he always did, E minor, A minor and C. A brown coat adorned his back, tatty and torn. He wore a hat of brown leather and had black trousers with a hole at the knees; his feet disappeared into the void below the webbing. I smiled and walked past him. I had tried to speak to him before but he had just kept strumming. As soon as I got thirsty I saw the well to my left. It was made of grey stone; a brown roof protected it from objects and rain that never fell. The water was black as it always was; I drank it anyway and proceeded onwards. Very nice scene here; You do great character descriptions!

It seemed to take longer than usual to reach the house. It was a small cottage, a wheel turned by its side though it courts no water. The roof was obviously thatch, though it was red. The big lady stood at the front outside an open door, with her arms wide open.
“Youngster!” She shouted as I ran towards her and gave her a hug. Inside I ate a good meal of food I had never seen before and talked a lot with the big lady and her husband, who never said much but just nodded along.
As I left the house I looked towards the purple sphere that stood just beyond the cottage.
“You don’t wanna go there, youngster.” The big lady told me. She bent down and smiled. “You just stay in the webbing alright.” I nodded and walked back the way I had come. As I felt myself waking I knew that in the morning I would remember none of it.


And the final verdict is... Good stuff. You're very good at describing your characters, and I like their conversations a lot. Work on your grammar though! I think I got most of the bugs out of this one though. Also, you could tell a touch more aobut the environments your characters are in. Some of your stuff is more like a diary than a story, because you don't tell the reader what the places are like. It becomes an "I did this, and I did that", if you get my drift.

Keep up the good work though! :D
Art is not about thinking something up. It is the opposite -- getting something down.
~Julia Cameron



You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda