You are Fantasy, I am Island

Shell by shell, imperfection compresses itself into mid-air.
It creates a silent state of delirium throughout upstate New York.
Right before human eyes, it made the front page and we’re wondering (by the thousands) if this is Reality or a trick of the Times.

The wife: the Fantasy, He: the Island:
William, William wake up Honey—there are men out in front of the house and I
Don’t know what they want.

Biscuits were ready and there had been a slow day ahead of them;
A pot of tea, the Game, the Times: it was that Sunday morning when William woke up.
He wasn’t sleeping with the Fantasy anymore. He wasn’t on the Island anymore.
He was pleading with men on his front porch in neutral-colored trench coats.

He thought he escaped less than forty-eight hours ago,
Sure to tuck the Revenge and the Handgun in a safe place but somehow he
Left them out in the open on the Island or
On the walk home, he lost them in an alley somewhere...

The neighbors will be interviewed this afternoon and
You can read the story in the Times by tomorrow morning.
The Fantasy will be waiting behind four well-defined walls wondering how the Island will defend itself.

Chevy wrote:Shell by shell, imperfection compresses itself into mid-air.
It creates a silent state of delirium throughout upstate New York.
Right before human eyes, it made the front page and we’re wondering [s](by the thousands)[/s] if this is Reality or a trick of the Times.

I have a question-aren't you from England?

Chevy wrote:The wife: the Fantasy, He: the Island:
William, William wake up Honey—there are men out in front of the house and I
Don’t know what they want. .

If I were you, I'd put "and I" in the next verse so they are all the same length. Also I'd put a dash instead of colon just because of the colon in the end of the verse.

I'm not sure if I understood this. It was quite confusing. I would very much appreciate if you tell us what's this about. Also, the verses are quite long which gives the poem... something-it's like a story.
The meaning of the poem remained a secret, and that's good, we can interpret it however we want, but I didn't find any meaning.

--?

Darko: Thank you for the critique.

This poem is meant to be a sketch-version of a narrative of some sort... It's meant to be an account of a man who is an island unto himself. He separates himself from others while seeking self-fulfillment on his own personal "Island." In the end, his self-reliance/narcissism causes him self-destruction as well as the destruction in his relationships and the people around him. The imagery such as the Times, the handgun, revenge are all visual implications that ultimately lead to his failure as an "Island."

The reason I never clarified what William was actually escaping "less than forty-eight hours ago," and what it was that the "men on his front porch in neutral-colored trench coats" wanted of William was because I wanted to leave it to the reader to conclude what may have caused his self-destruction. Maybe, the reader will be unsure or confused about the actual reason William did not last. However, there is a huge gray area in terms of what causes self-destruction meaning our personal experiences can bring many results.

Also, it is somewhat confusing and perhaps difficult to read because what I am trying to do here is create a multi-faceted stream of consciousness...incorporating the thought process/actions/motives of more than one character without being bothered with "he said this" and "she did this." I wanted to experiment with the ideal that humans are completely reliant on one another subconsciously, regardless of our "Island" experience. The "Fantasy," The "Island"/William's wife symbolizes this ideal. She is meant to serve as the gap between independence and dependence/reality--agh, I am still working on this!

In addition, I am not saying I have succeeded in proving this point accurately! It's still a bit drafty and I plan on adding more to it. As of right now, I see it as a an experiment and I am still tweaking it.

Thanks again, though for your critique!

Also, I am not English. I was studying in England at the time I updated my location. I am actually American and am back home now. I need to fix that!

hey Chevy, this is dogs and i am going to be your critic.

I love this poem. i really really really like it. it flows nicely sounds good, and i can't find any grammar issues. (rats) unfortunately i really can't find much to criticize.

I don't, however, understand what is the purpose of the neutrul colored trench coats. why are you saying that. is it significant???

Apart from that i really enjoyed reading this and suggest that you continue writing =D











TuckEr EllsworTh

Ooo, mystery and intrigue.

This is a great piece of writing, and certainly very thought provoking.
I liked your use of capitalization to point out symbolic objects (that's something I do quite a bit in my own poetry, so of course I dig it, LOL).

The thought behind this narrative is truly clever.

While I like how you intentionally left some questions unanswered, I (as your reader) would better understand your message if you offered a few important details.

The first line is unnecessary and confusing. The mention of shells seems to describe a different setting for a very different poem. Perhaps you could find a way to express this first emotion so that it is consistent with the rest of the piece?

The second stanza is very nice, with the wife's interjection and all that. Unique, I like it.
And the beginning of the third stanza is great too. You relate a very clear image and emotion, nonchalant and almost ironic.

The revenge and the handgun could be elaborated on, not to give everything away, but for your reader's sake. You've gone beyond being thought provoking to simply keeping your audience in the dark. Give me something to puzzle over, here! LOL


The final stanza is awesome, very clear. Love the image you create of his wife sitting alone. Personally, I saw a holding cell or an interrogation room.

Great work!
Your writing is very clever, almost like a detective story. Make use of the unique voice you have!

BABANUUK

Hi?

I like this, a bunch.
The first time I read it, to be honest, I just didn't expect what I was getting. It kind of surprised me.

So anyway second time was the charm. I got all the little secrets and all the little charms that where hidden the first time. I felt the shattered calm, the awful realization, the desperation and I felt betrayal at what was ruined. And that maybe what was ruined wasn't even really there. It all folded nicely together for me in the third stanza really. It really had a great beginning, middle, end.

I also liked the little bit of resentment at the end.

The Fantasy will be waiting behind four well-defined walls wondering how the Island will defend itself.

Haha, awesome. I mean I could have totally misread that but it sounded like resentment to me.

But most importantly, to me, this poem felt human. Maybe not the situation I thought up {lol, I have an ridiculous imagination}, but the thought behind it, the essence was completely human.

So I'm fully aware that this is probably not a very understandable review. But i really liked your poem. I know I didn't really critique it but I think its nice whenever some one tells me if they like what I've written and I just say that I like it in a lot of words.

oh yeah

Right before human eyes, it made the front page and we’re wondering (by the thousands) if this is Reality or a trick of the Times.

I love this and it is so true.
although I think the (by the thousands) is a little unnecessary. It just seems to me that the sentence implies by the thousands with out it having to be said.

And I do agree with Babanuuk about the first part of the first sentence, shell by shell. I get what you were saying but it could be phrase a little more seamlessly into the second part of the sentence.