Ariorl Part 1

Ariorl.

Three thousand miles below the Atlantic, size being enough to make Atlantis look like a pea.

Tarina.

A small girl, living in Ariorl, in fact, small enough to make her father look like a giant.

The story begins, well at least most of it begins, in London.

"Underwater city! Read all about it!" Cries of newspaper sellers everywhere, pockets bulging with dirty 50 pence pieces. Johnathon looked at them in disgrace. Huh, he thought. What terrible stuff. A city in the Atlantic? I think not. He walked on back to his house. A bungalow, it was, although very strange. The first room you come into is the bedroom. He sat down and started to read.
Words buzzed through his head.

The story, in which Johnathon was in the middle of, went like this:

Said Davis. And he walked off. Tarina swam off into her cave, where she wept, and wept, and wept.

Hm an underwater city... seems interesting. I don't think there is enough in this post for me to reveiw, but keep writing.

~Wolf

Hiyas! I'm Mira! Welcome to YWS. Before I go on, however, I'd like to bring up one of the rules on the site: the 2:1 ratio! This just says that you need to critique two works before you post something of your own.

Now, to the review!

The idea is interesting, but this post is too short to get a good feel on the plot. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying perhaps you could elaborate on the idea a little. Give us a little bit more.

"Underwater city! Read all about it!" Cries of newspaper sellers everywhere, pockets bulging with dirty 50 pence pieces.

I think you could word this a bit differently. Maybe... "Underwater city! Read all about it!" Cries of newspaper sellers rang out from every street corner, their pockets bulging with dirty pence pieces that they had gotten from the crowds lined up to read the unbelievable story.

Or something like that. *shrugs*


Overall: I say the idea is very interesting, probably something I would love to read if it were a novel. Just give us a bit more description and character personality. Don't keep your brilliance to yourself, Joshie!

Welcome again and I hope to read more of your work!

~Mira

joshie101 wrote:Ariorl.

Three thousand miles below the Atlantic, size being enough to make Atlantis look like a pea.

I really dislike this one sentence thing. It's like you're making a list, and putting a short, badly worded description underneath each topic. I would suggest rephrasing the above sentence to include Ariorl. Something like: "Three thousand miles below the Atlantic was a city that made Atlantis look like a pea. This city was known to its citizens as Ariorl."

Tarina.

A small girl, living in Ariorl, in fact, small enough to make her father look like a giant.

Same thing. You're using the one word sentences like titles. Additionally, the sentence above has too many commas. They aren't all necessary, and if I were you I would rephrase the entire thing.

eg. "Tarina was one of those citizens. She was a small girl; so small she made her father look like a giant."

The story begins, well at least most of it begins, in London.

Make it simple and concise. The 'well at least most of it begins' is too conversational and detracts from the awe-inspiring gravity an Underwater City could evoke in a reader. It depends on what impression you're trying to convey; but I would certainly change the above sentence.

"Underwater city! Read all about it!" Cries of newspaper sellers everywhere, pockets bulging with dirty 50 pence pieces.

I don't like the above. The sentence that follows the dialogue doesn't seem to reference the dialogue as being spoken by the newspaper sellers - even though this seems to be what you were going for? The subjects of the sentence are not the newspaper sellers, but their cries. And you don't even say that the cries are saying the dialogue. It's all very confusing.

Also, the number 50 (and the 'pence pieces') is distracting and unnecessary. Just say their pockets bulged with coins; far less wordy and it gets the point across.

Johnathon looked at them in disgrace.

Might want to think about the word 'disgrace' here. It doesn't seem right to me.

Huh, he thought. What terrible stuff. A city in the Atlantic? I think not.

I usually prefer thoughts to be in italics. Makes it less difficult to determine what are the thoughts of a character and what is the writer's voice. This format can also help emphasise the thoughts of a character. If well used and not overused, this can be an effective tool.

He walked on back to his house. A bungalow, it was, although very strange.

Yoda, you are, and it is very strange. Think about changing the 'bungalow' sentence.

eg. "It was a bungalow..."

Seems less weird!

The first room you come into is the bedroom.

I don't like this use of the word: 'you'. Seems to be a change of Point of View. I, the reader, am not part of the story up until now. Describe it in third person.

eg. "The front door entered into his bedroom. He sat down..."

He sat down and started to read. Words buzzed through his head.

The story, in which Johnathon was in the middle of, went like this:

Do not like the above sentence. Unnecessary words... Awkward structure. I'd change it.

"The story Johnathon was reading went:"

But I don't know what you're trying to do. I can't see where you're going with this.

Said Davis. And he walked off. Tarina swam off into her cave, where she wept, and wept, and wept.

I take it the sentences above it in the book he is reading. This... is odd, and confusing. There is no formatting to show that this is in the book. We are left with a flimsy and badly structured indication.

It could do with some work, but you have an interesting idea here to develop.

* You also need to develop your protagonist further, and... well, I'll leave the plot out because there is actually little substance at the moment and it is difficult to say where it will or will not go with only this to extrapolate with...

* Watch your punctuation. Commas especially. I know how fun it can be to put them everywhere and experiment with word order, but it really is best (if you want readers) to keep things simple and easy to read.

* Write more, and show us where the story is going.

(Also: There's always enough to review.)