The Gatekeeper

Chapter One
Clearview

Tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed furiously, trying to wipe away the liquid running down my face. My best friend, Teresa, put her arm around and gave me a giant hug in an effort to comfort me. Whispering something in my ear, she smiled and let go. I returned the smile and immediately my sobbing ceased to be.

“I just don’t understand why they had to kill Paul off,” I explained to her, drying my eyes and pressing the ‘off’ button on the remote control. The TV turned off and silence filled the air before I continued. “He was so cute and made the show! It’s just not fair…”

Teresa let out a laugh, shaking her head in amusement. “It’s just a show, May. Don’t worry about it. At least he’s still a hottie in real life.”

I smiled back at her, the depression that had filled my being only a few moments before already gone with the wind. “Thanks,” I told her and stood up. I stretched and shook my foot for a few moments, trying to get it to wake back up. When my body seemed to return to its healthy self, I walked out of the room with the popcorn bowl that had emptied itself within the first five minutes of the program we had been watching. I sat it down in the sink in the kitchen and returned to the living room, finding Teresa pulling out an electric guitar from behind the couch.

“The twins will be here in about ten minutes,” she told me, heading off towards the garage. “We should set up so that we can start practicing as soon as they get here.”

I nodded and followed her out into my garage, hooking up the stereos when I got outside. Plugging in my microphone, I began practicing a few bars of the newest song my band had created. Hitting a few wrong notes, I winced and began again. I was caught off guard when the twins opened up the garage a few minutes later.

“Nobody was at the door…” Elizabeth began.

“… so we assumed you were already setting up,” her sister Heidi concluded. The two always did this, finishing each others sentences and confusing the daylight out of anyone they talked to.
Elizabeth walked up to the drum set sitting on a little stage we had constructed out of plywood and an old black material. Heidi, her guitar in hand, plugged up her wires to the stereo and got into her place beside Teresa. We all smiled at each other, excited to be practicing. For the past several weeks we hadn’t been able to because of final exams and summer plans. We had finally been spared some time to enjoy ourselves and were back in the spirit of rock and roll! Not that that was our actual type of music to play… We were more of a pop group, dancing to the beat and rhythm of all that was upbeat and fun.

Elizabeth began playing on the drums and after a moment the guitars joined in, harmony filling the air and setting my soul alive. When the time came, I put my lips to the microphone and began singing. I danced around, practicing the choreography that Heidi had given me the last time we had practiced. Before I knew it, the song was over and I was on the ground with my hands in the air. Smiling, I stood up, blowing some of my brown hair out of my face. Teresa high-fived me as the twins shouted with joy. After months of practice, we had finally gotten the song perfect.

“This calls for a celebration!” I exclaimed and walked to the refrigerator to grab some popsicles. I was, unfortunately, interrupted from doing such a thing when my parents called for me. I groaned and told the others we’d practice tomorrow, apologizing for having the rehearsal being cut to an early finish. They replied that they didn’t mind and said their goodbyes, closing the garage door as I headed into the house.

I walked to the living room, where I had been not too long before crying my eyes out. My parents were settled on the loveseat, their hands entwined as they stared lovingly into one another’s eyes. I rolled my own, sitting down on the recliner as I waited for them to finish up with their ‘moment.’

Realizing that I had entered the room, they moved their eyes away from each other and towards me. I stared right back at them, aware that something very odd was going on. They had a secret they were about to reveal, I could tell, and the looks they gave me said I wasn’t going to like it.

“May, darling, we have something to tell you,” my mother said, her hazel eyes – the same color as my own – looking at me with a mixture of excitement and worry.

“I kind of guessed that, Mom…” I replied, a little annoyed that they didn’t get straight to the point. If
they were going to disappoint me, they might as well do it now.

“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” my father told me and after a ‘Yes, sir’ from me and an apology to my mother, continued with the news. “You know that my job here hasn’t been the best.”

I nodded. We lived in Austin and though he worked at an upper corporation, he was way underpaid and treated horribly. He had wanted to get a new job for quite a while now and I could guess at what his next words were to be.

“I recently received an offer for a job in Washington, D.C. The job is immensely better with a pay raise of three times what I make now. I consulted with your mother about it and decided to take it. At the end of the summer, we will be moving to Clearview, Virginia, a town close by to our nation’s capitol. It’s a small town and much safer than being within D.C. itself.”

He stopped and watched me, my mouth wide open, as I stared at him in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what he had just said. Moving? In my junior year? I’d lived in Austin my entire life; this house had been my childhood castle. How could they do such a thing to me?

“We understand that you might be a little upset with this, honey, but it’s for the best,” my mother spoke up, a weak smile on her face.

I stood up and turned my back on them. “A little? Why would you make me move? I have friends here… I have memories upon memories that I’ll be leaving behind just because Dad wants a stupid, new job.” I turned back towards them as my eyes started to water. “Yeah, I’m upset.”

My father’s face was red, angry at the words I had just spoken. He stood up and pointed towards the hallway that led towards my room. “If you’re going to behave in such a way, then go. Now.”

I strutted towards the hall, my nose in the air. “Gladly.”

As I entered my room, I could hear my dad growl softly while my mother told him that I was young and would have to get used to the idea of the move. After that I didn’t hear anymore, because I slammed the door shut and jumped onto my bed as tears of grief ran down my cheeks.

Hi Mira! Here's the review I promised you!

Tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed furiously, trying to wipe away the liquid running down my face. My best friend, Teresa, put her arm around me and gave me a giant hug in an effort to comfort me. Whispering something in my ear, she smiled and let go. I returned the smile and immediately my sobbing ceased to be.

Okay, so for this paragraph, I think there's something wrong with the first two sentence... maybe you could join them? Maybe something like this: Tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed furiously. I tried to wipe them away but to no avail.... Also, in the second sentence, I think you should put "me" in between 'around' and 'and gave me...'

I smiled back at her, the depression that had filled my being only a few moments before already gone with the wind. “Thanks,” I told her and stood up. I stretched and shook my foot for a few moments, trying to get it to wake [s]back[/s] up. When my body seemed to return to its healthy self, I walked out of the room with the popcorn bowl that had emptied itself within the first five minutes of the program we had been watching. I sat it down in the sink in the kitchen and returned to the living room, finding Teresa pulling out an electric guitar from behind the couch.

I think you should remove the word "back" in the sentence, making it: "I stretched and shook my foot for a few moments, trying to get it to wake up." I also think that the sentences that are in bold is full of not so useful information. Maybe you could shorten it a bit.

Realizing that I had entered the room, they moved their eyes away from each other and towards me.

I think there's something off about this sentence.... When they looked at "me" did they do it at the same time? If so, that's kinda freaky.... Maybe you should make it that one of them looked away and the other followed suit...If not... then perhaps you should re-phrase this sentence, because it sort of sounds awkward when written like that.

“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” my father told me and, after a ‘Yes, sir’ from me and an apology to my mother, continued with the news. “You know that my job here hasn’t been the best.”

I think that the word "told" should be replaced with the word "scolded" ... I think it's better that way since her father is scolding her. Also, you should place a comma between 'and' and 'after'

“I recently received an offer for a job in Washington, D.C. The job is immensely better with a pay raise of three times what I make now. I consulted with your mother about it and decided to take it. At the end of the summer, we will be moving to Clearview, Virginia, a town close by to our nation’s capitol. It’s a small town and much safer than being within D.C. itself.”

I think there's something odd about this dialog...Maybe instead of saying, "I consulted with your mother about it and decided to take it" you could say, "I talked to your mother about it and we decided that I should take the job". Also, in this part: "...we will be moving to Clearview, Virginia, a town close by to our nation' capitol. It's a small town and much safer than being within D.C. itself," the father sounds like and advertisement for the town... Maybe you could remove that and integrate it somewhere else in your story.

I stood up and turned my back on them. “A little? Why would you make me move? I have friends here… I have memories upon memories that I’ll be leaving behind just because Dad wants a stupid, new job.” I turned back towards them as my eyes started to water. “Yeah, I’m upset.”

The phrase, memories upon memories, is a bit out of character for a teenager. I think you should change the phrase to something a teenager would more commonly say. Like, tons of memories...or something like that...

My father’s face was red, angry at the words I had just spoken. He stood up and pointed [s]towards[/s] the hallway that led towards my room. “If you’re going to behave in such a way, then go. Now.”

I think that the first sentence has a dangling/misplaced modifier. The phrase, "angry at the words I had just spoken." seemed to modify "My father's face" when it is supposed to modify her father. Also, the worlds that the father said sounds awkward and weird... maybe you could rephrase it to sound more fatherly. Oh, and another thing, I think you should remove 'towards' and replace it with 'at'. Making it, He stood up and pointed at the hallway that led towards my room.

I strutted towards the hall, my nose in the air. “Gladly.”

The word 'strutted' is, I think that you should change it to, "strode".

As I entered my room, I could hear my dad growl softly while my mother told him that I was young and would have to get used to the idea of the move. After that, I didn’t hear anymore[s],[/s] because I slammed the door shut and jumped onto my bed as tears of grief ran down my cheeks.

How can she hear her dad growl? Maybe you should eliminate that part and just make the main character hear the voice of her mother consoling her dad. Also, in the last sentence, you should move your comma between 'that' and 'I didn't..'

Overall, I think that the father's character, in this chapter, does not seem right. It seems as if the father is too moody. As for the plot of the story, I can't really say much since it's just one chapter.

Hey Mira! Kara reporting for duty! I will now get to work.

Tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed furiously, trying to wipe away the liquid running down my face.

The second sentence sounds strange. Sobbed furiously sounds funny. And "the liquid" is weird too. Maybe you can rephrase it?

Tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed furiously, trying to wipe away the liquid running down my face. My best friend, Teresa, put her arm around and gave me a giant hug in an effort to comfort me. Whispering something in my ear, she smiled and let go. I returned the smile and immediately my sobbing ceased to be.

“I just don’t understand why they had to kill Paul off,” I explained to her, drying my eyes and pressing the ‘off’ button on the remote control. The TV turned off and silence filled the air before I continued. “He was so cute and made the show! It’s just not fair…”

Teresa let out a laugh, shaking her head in amusement. “It’s just a show, May. Don’t worry about it. At least he’s still a hottie in real life.”

Does this have anything to do with the story? oO It seems inconsequential. Things like these kind of slow the story down. Maybe you'd like to replace it with something else?

Plugging in my microphone, I began practicing a few bars of the newest song my band had created.

Songs are composed, not created. ^^

After months of practice, we had finally gotten the song perfect.

I thought they hadn't been practicing for a while?

I groaned and told the others we’d practice tomorrow, apologizing for having the rehearsal being cut to an early finish. They replied that they didn’t mind and said their goodbyes, closing the garage door as I headed into the house.

Please show us what she said. ^^ And what they answered, too, please.

I walked to the living room, where I had been not too long before crying my eyes out.

The last part sounds clunky. oO

The job is immensely better with a pay raise of three times what I make now. I consulted with your mother about it and decided to take it. At the end of the summer, we will be moving to Clearview, Virginia, a town close by to our nation’s capitol. It’s a small town and much safer than being within D.C. itself.”

Whoa, whoa. Easy there. You don't need to tell us all of that at once. And I don't think people say "immensely".

I have memories upon memories that I’ll be leaving behind just because Dad wants a stupid, new job.

First of all, I think she should be a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit happy for her dad. You know, a twinge of joy. Two, memories upon memories doesn't sound like a normal conversation. It sounds stilted.

I strutted towards the hall, my nose in the air.

Strutted is not the right word, I think. I stroke towards the hall. And the nose in the air part is unlikely - she's crying and she feels sad. Her body language clashes with what you just told us about her feelings.


OVERALL: The girl is overreacting, I think, and the dad seems flat. Since there isn't much about the plot here, I can't say anything about it. ^^

It just needs a little polishing, that's all. ^^