Me and you

I need help, it's just an idea. Really i had intended the poem only to have the first verse, but it seemed a bit bare. But i definitely think it needs more than two verses, i just can't think of any more ideas? Suggestions will be appreciated

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me and you,
Were a song.
You play my heart;
I sing along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me and you,
Were an island.
You're my crashing waves,
I'm golden sand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me and you,
Belong to the sky.
You're my radiant sun,
I'm a cloud that passes by.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hiya,

I agree with you. It's a dandy idea but it doesn't carry enough weight within its current length. Have you seen the movie 'Juno'? I cut out the repeated versus to save space.
By no means am I suggesting to copycat, but I thought mayhap the song might show that your options are hardly limited.

All I want is you - Barry Louis Polisar

"If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea."

-M.

Hi. You're right, I think this needs to be longer, but I'll get to that in a minute, after I look at what you have already.

To be brutally honest with you, I don't think that the first stanza is anything special/new. I'd run away from phrases like "me and you babe", because they've been overused. Also, the stanza's not very connected to itself. The speaker and the object of his/her affection were a song, and then the o.o.a turns into a musician while the speaker is singer. I'd take these two ideas and give them a stanza each, as they're different concepts. I'd also watch the tenses; in the whole poem you do four lines in present tense, and four in past. I'd stick to one. I'd also change;
"While I joyfully sing along."
to "I sing along."
I think it would flow better this way. I'd recommend always reading your poetry aloud when you finish a draft, even if you're just muttering it to yourself, as this will help you get a better sense of how it sounds.


I like "Your the crashing waves

And i'm the golden sand."
It's a good image. (Although, note that "your" should be "you're".) I'd expand on this by looking more closely at the two characters. What are they both physically doing that makes them connected and yet seperate in this way? Why is the o.o.a equated with such a violent image, while the speaker equates herself with such a calm and beautiful one? Also, it should be a capital 'I' for "I'm".

Rather than being abstract in general, I'd look at the specifics. Look at the small things your characters do. I apologise in advance for sounding hippyish, but I'd forget ideas and try to see and feel what you want to say rather than think it.

I know I sound very negative-I did enjoy your imagery here, and you've largely managed to stay away from cliche, which is extremely difficult in love poetry, so this is by no means a poor effort-it just needs a bit of polish/expansion, but of course, you've acknowledged that yourself.

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Jas

Hi again,

Critique number two, as per your request.

I think it's much better now. I have two final tips for you;
the first is to kepe to one tense. In stanzas one and two you use past tense for the first half, and present for the second. I'd stick with present, as the third stanza is entirely in the present tense.

I think stanzas two and three are still a little jerky as the second halves are much longer than the first halves. I'd try to make them shorter. Count the syllables in your lines as that will help you see the relationship between them.

Hope this helps.


Jas

Hello, I’m Roon, nice to meet you! Your poem caught my eye, so I thought I’d review! Nitpicks:

Me and you,
Were a song.
You play my heart;
I sing along.

I like this, but I think you need to place more emphasis on the heart being an instrument somehow.

Me and you,
Were an island.
You're my crashing waves,
I'm golden sand.

I would say you are the crashing waves, I am the golden sand. I think it flows better, also you call them a possession of yours, but you don’t refer to yourself as something of theirs.

Me and you,
Belong to the sky.
You're my radiant sun,
I'm a cloud that passes by.

Passes doesn’t sound very cloud-like. Floats? I don’t know.

Overall, I liked it. However I feel that the rhyming didn’t feel as though it rhymed when you said it aloud. The voice in the poem seems somewhat detached. You also need more verses to explore this idea. The tense changes within stanzas are slightly confusing, but I’m not sure whether that’s a bad thing or not. This, at the moment, seems like it’s just the bare bones of a poem. You don’t really delve into any overwhelming ideas. The imagery is good, though if you explored it more, it could be better. This was really good, a nice, enchanting read, if you have any problems or questions about what I said, feel free to PM me!

~ Roon