deaths plain

I am unsure what to call this. i am open to all suggestions




I was there when the light in her eyes started to fade.
when the warmth was replaced by a clammy cold.

but, a smile started to creep on to her face


I was there when her eyes were closing
when her soul was going

yet her smile was growing


I was there when her breathes turned to gasps
when her heart rate went flat

There she lay, motionless and limp

yet her smile was wide and full

she looked so peaceful

You know, I think I like this? It's simple, it's short and sweet. Now, if you left it the same as it is now and tried to make it longer, you'd go beyond the length of my attention span for this, but you didn't. That's not to say there isn't plenty of room for improvement.

On to how you could make it even better.

"I was there when the light in her eyes started to fade.
when the warmth was replaced by a clammy cold." I wouldn't say there's something wrong with these lines, but I would suggest maybe changing the descriptions a little bit. It's because, that's how you always hear death described, right? And you don't want your readers to be confronted with something they always hear, you want it to be fresh, new, creative, unique.


"but, a smile started to creep on to her face" You're missing punctuation at the end of this line; I know in some poems people leave out punctuation, but you have periods and such in other parts of this poem, so you need to be consistent and have them where they're needed. Also, "on to" should be one word. =)


"I was there when her eyes were closing
when her soul was going

yet her smile was growing" I really like these lines (though again, you missed some punctuation at the end). I like that one rhyme you have; it's smooth and easy and natural.


"I was there when her breathes turned to gasps
when her heart rate went flat" ("Breaths", not breathes, and you need punctuation at the end) When I think of someone fading away, dying, I don't really think of them gasping; more like their breaths become shallow, you can scarcely tell that they're there. That change is up to you.
Also, the word "flat" feels... well... flat. It doesn't seem to belong. I think you could a word that fits better, something more active, something that belongs.


"There she lay, motionless and limp" I think it should be "when she lay..." instead of "there", because up to this point she was still living; so this is something new.

"yet her smile was wide and full" If you do change it to "when", I would make this: "her smile yet was wide and full"

"she looked so peaceful" Now, now, this won't do. How many times have you heard a dead person described as peaceful? =) What I would do is a find a word that more reflects that smile. You said the smile was wide and full. To me that sounds not just peaceful, but happy, even joyful. And while those words might not fit well either, you can be more creative than with "peaceful", I'm sure you can. =)


Now, to finish off, I think what this poem is most lacking in is, first of all, any kind of metaphor. You don't really use any picture language, or any of our senses at all really. We can't see this scene, we can't feel it, or hear it, smell it, or taste it. When we can do that, it holds our attention much better. It would help this poem stand out, because everyone plays on our senses differently from the next person; it's important to be different, in poetry.
Secondly, you give us so little information; there isn't really even enough here to make us curious about what we don't know. That makes it rather too forgettable. We don't know why the dying girl is smiling, and how it makes the other person feel. We don't know why this person cares, we don't even know if they do]/i] care, actually. What is it that brings them to her death bed? How does the girl feel about that person being with her? What does the scene look like? Is she connected to all kinds of monitors? Is there beeping in the background, the hum of patients and nurses voices, sounding like they're coming from a great distance. Are they not in a hospital at all, is she in her own room. Are they in the middle of nowhere? Maybe we don't need to know [i]why she's dying; I don't think that's very important for this poem. Poems are about one moment, they capture one piece of something and explore it to the full. There's so much more you could show us. =) So, good luck.

-Adna

thankyou very much for your help adna however what would you suggest for something other than "when her warmth was replaced by a clammy cold

[quote="dogs"]I am unsure what to call this. i am open to all suggestions


Why did she go, she has left me.

I was there when her beautiful dark brown eyes started to fade,
when the warmth was forced out and replaced by a chilling cold,

but, a smile started to creep on to her face.


I was there when her eyes were closing,
when her soul was going,

yet her smile was growing.


I was there when her breaths turned to gasps,
when her heart rate went flat,

There she lay, motionless and limp.

yet her adoring smile, that smile i fell in love with, was wide and full,

her long, luxurious, beautiful black hair rest at her arms,

she looks so peaceful,

why, oh why did she have to go?


TuckEr EllsowrTh

I really like this poem alot. It's a good length because it tells you enough but you don't drag it out.

I was there when her beautiful dark brown eyes started to fade,
when the warmth was forced out and replaced by a chilling cold,

I like this imagery because I can really envision it.

I was there when her eyes were closing,
when her soul was going,

yet her smile was growing.

Great!

her long, luxurious, beautiful black hair rest at her arms,

In this case I think "luscious" would be a better fit than "luxurious"

why, oh why did she have to go?

I like this ending better than your original, because it ties into the beginning line and feels more complete.

Overall, really nice poem. Keep up the good work!