black heart of fire

this is my first draft for chapter one of black heart of fire. please review.



Not two months have I been working here as the kings' right-hand-man. Well, woman, and people already trust me with their lives! Two months ago my life turned upside down, never to be the same again.


It was the first day of summer vacation from Uni, and my family and I were absorbing as much sun as we could in the little land of grass we call a garden. It was honestly tiny! But what I didn't know - at the time - was that the sun feeds my powers with rich fresh energy. Let me just fill you in. ever since I was fifteen I found I could control, manipulate and create fire. It seriously creep'd me out and I nearly died from shock. And six years later I learnt how to control it (see burnt park for details). But that day was memorable for two reasons. First off I learnt I could burn people from the inside out, without even touching them - yes it stinks. Eurgh! - And secondly I my family died because of it. It still haunts me today for what I did, but it was truly an accident.


I was totally relaxed, all the while my internal fire growing stronger and stronger. It started with my little brother. All it took was for him to accidentally kick a football into my gut. As I lifted my hand to defend myself, the ball disintegrated in mid air, and my brother fell to his knees in excruciating pain. Smoke poured out his mouth, eyes, nose and ears as I felt the blood boil vigorously in my palm. Which was normal (normal for me) except for the fact that there was no fire present in my hand. The fire was inside my brother. Killing him. Hardly a minute passed before he was silent on the ground. Skin scorched. Dead.


My father came running out of the garden shed, and I misunderstood it for an attack and soon, he too, was forced to his knees. I stared into my mothers' horror-struck eyes as I turned to run away from the two corpses. To protect my mother from the murderer. Me. she pulled at my waist stopping me -why i don't know - and instinctively i grabbed her by the throat and to kill her like i had the rest of my family. Lifting her off the ground as her throat melted inside her, the whole time, begging the fire inside me to stop with all my heart. But when the battle was finally won, and I released my mother it was too late. Id killed her. My black heart sucked the life out of my family.


My eyes became two overflowing pools of water, the tears falling down my face and landing on my mothers' body, making a tiny sizzling sound. I ran out the gate as fast as I could desperately try to get away from it all as I ran into a field across the road. I continuously stumbled over my feet, but couldn't recover from the last trip as I braced myself for the hard ground to hit me, but instead, a pair of cold arms caught me. I looked up and saw a young man - early twenties he looked - seeming truly concerned. Of course he would feel cold to me. I always ran on a hotter temperature than others.

"Help" was the only thing I managed to choke out, as I compacted myself inside his chest, forming my own little safe birds nest. The man seemed to coon me, but mostly he stayed quiet and held me.

Hi! Cynara here.

First of let me tell you I loved your story . You got me out of my boredom. Seriously it was killing me .

Ok. Now for your review. This is something I picked out:

It was the first day of summer vacation from Uni, and my family and I were absorbing as much sun as we could in the little land of grass we call a garden. It was honestly tiny! But what I didn't know - at the time - was that the sun feeds my powers with rich fresh energy. Let me just fill you in. ever since I was fifteen I found I could control, manipulate and create fire. It seriously creep'd me out and I nearly died from shock. And six years later I learnt how to control it (see burnt park for details). But that day was memorable for two reasons. First off I learnt I could burn people from the inside out, without even touching them - yes it stinks. Eurgh! - And secondly I my family died because of it. It still haunts me today for what I did, but it was truly an accident.

This confused me a lot when I read it. I think you should fix it.

My father came running out of the garden shed, and I misunderstood it for an attack and soon, he too, was forced to his knees. I stared into my mothers' horror-struck eyes as I turned to run away from the two corpses. To protect my mother from the murderer. Me. she pulled at my waist stopping me -why i don't know - and instinctively i grabbed her by the throat and to kill her like i had the rest of my family. Lifting her off the ground as her throat melted inside her, the whole time, begging the fire inside me to stop with all my heart. But when the battle was finally won, and I released my mother it was too late. Id killed her. My black heart sucked the life out of my family.

Those were the little things I picked up. Loved it, for real.
If you don't mind pm me when you do the next part .

Hey Christine! Nutty here. I just read your story, and it seems to be you are bursting with ideas. That's good. But what you should be wary of is jumping in too fast- you have an idea with the girl with control over fire, but it's like you're trying to explain everything in one go. This is called 'info dumping', and in most cases, isn't desirable.

You obviously have enthusiasm for your idea, however, and I do think you could do something with the concept.

Not two months have I been working here as the kings' right-hand-man. Well, woman, and people already trust me with their lives!

Try to keep exclamation marks to dialogue, because outside of dialogue they have little positive effect. This exclimation mark makes this seem more like a diary entry or a letter than a story, but could be easily corrected with a full stop.

It seriously creep'd me out and I nearly died from shock.

Creep'd should be creeped. I don't like the word 'seriously' there, it again makes the story seem too informal.

And six years later I learnt how to control it (see burnt park for details).

Um? What do you mean see burnt park for details? I'm not sure whether it's part of the story or not. I would cut it out or explain.

The time frame seems a little confusing. At the start you say two months ago the MC's life changed, then you say it took six years from the murders for the MC to control her powers. Would she be accidentally killing people for six years? Surely she would have been caught. Is the present day two months from the murders, or six years?

What I suggest you do is write a scene in the present day to introduce your story. Show your character, discribe her surroundings, where she is, who she talks to. You don't have to explain what she can do right away, or all in one go, it's okay to let your readers discover it along the story, over a longer timeframe. The above story could be a diary entry someone stumbles over, or a story she tells someone, or a note. With some editing, this is usable, but possibly not as a first chapter.

Another thing is your tone. I would watch your use of words like 'totally' and 'seriously'. It gives your story an informal, teenage feel.

I must say you have an idea here, and with some work you could produce a good story. I'm curious to know if she's unique or whether it's part of your world, and the kind of setting it is based on. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help you.

-Nutty

Your story is very good so far although there are a few things that I don't understand. For example when she killed her family did she really think that they were trying to attack her? And when the stranger caught her why didn't she kill him too? Other than those I understood it pretty well. The character's emotions were well expressed although they could use some additions. Also the MC needs an introduction. Who is She? Where did she get her "talent"? How did she discover her talent? Other than those things I feel that it is a very good piece of writing. It shows a lot of promise.