Blue

The deepest ocean;
The clearest sky.
A soaring eagle
flying high.

Faded denim
trudging the sand;
A piercing eye
surveying the land.

Glistening waves
rushing to shore,
and darting creatures
on the sea floor.

A mournful note
weaving a tune;
A flash of colour
gone too soon.

Aqua Marine. Hello. ^^

Couple of things: remember that capital letters at the start of every line is actually not how it should be done. =) It follows the same principles as prose (i.e., proper noun or new sentence).

I felt that your rhyme and flow here was a great success, and I wasn't made to believe that the rhymes restricted the poem. However, there are a few issues.

A soaring eagle
Flying high

Faded denim,
Trudging the sand.

The way you do this (lack of full stop in the first stanza) makes the reader believe that images of denim trudging in the sand somehow reflects the eagle in the sky, made even more so by the fact that the first stanza feels incomplete, as if an image is just starting but doesn't carry on into verse two; how can denim trudge in the sand? Do you have denim shoes? While it sounds good, it doesn't really fit.

A piercing eye
Surveying the land.

I love this. Although it's a little vague, I still captured the image of the sun on a desert right away. Well done there.

A mournful note,
Weaving a tune.
A flash of colour,
Gone too soon.

As fantastic an image this seems to conjure, it's much too vague. I don't see how it connects to the poem, almost to the level that each stanza could be a different story altogether and it's just not wrapped up in any conclusion. Since this stanza is so short, the best move would be to either rewrite it or add in other one, which may or may not be good, depending on how you write it.

Overall, great job! The rhythm was excellent and its simplicity did wonders. However, in the future, challenge yourself; use some longer sentences with less obvious rhymes (e.g., "sand" and "land" are often used together, as are "sky" and "high"). Being obvious, they'll be more likely to bias your imagery and make it somewhat overdone and perhaps confusing when you string in a more complicated bit at the end (as I said before with the last stanza).

Well done! I hope I helped. Feel free to let me know next time you post a poem. ;wink:

Blinky

thanks for that,
the punctuation mistakes were all accidental, as was the lack of a full stop, i will correct those in a sec.
My idea of "faded denim" was the image of someone walking up a beach in jeans, i know that the line is too vague to get that idea, but i do love it.
And with the last stanza i just like the idea of it, sad music always reminds me of blue, so i guess the whole poem is too personal for anyone to understand. sorry about that!
X

The deepest ocean;
The clearest sky.
A soaring eagle
flying high.

Or :
The deepest ocean
and the clearest sky,
a soaring eagle
who is flying high.

Faded denim
trudging the sand;
A piercing eye
surveying the land.

Glistening waves
rushing to shore,
and darting creatures
on the sea floor.

A mournful note
weaving a tune;
A flash of colour
gone too soon.

Now your punctuation is okay. Your punctuation was terrible. If you have trouble with it, I suggest you look here on our forum about it, you'll find many advices.

Hey great poem< i couldn't find much fault with it

The deepest ocean;

The clearest sky.

A soaring eagle

flying high.

Nice stanza

Faded denim

trudging the sand;

A piercing eye

surveying the land.

Funnily enough when I read this verse the image of a person wearing jeans, walking the beach did come to my mind

and darting creatures

on the sea floor.

I think it you should remove the and, replace it with "There is creatures darting". I think that the and makes it a bit confusing. In the other verse of the poem you have place the image and then you say either "A piercing eye", "a flashing colour"or "A soaring eagle" sothe and dosen't make sense to me.

A mournful note

weaving a tune;

A flash of colour

gone too soon.

Niceending also )

Heya, just want to say that it's a very good effective poem. You have set the scene and atmosphere well and I think it all flows. What I just want to say is that it's very simple. Obviously you were doing that for effect but I think you ought to try to challenge yourself more, maybe just by increasing the lengths of the lines and stanzas, or by incorporating a more complex rhyme scheme.
However, I think this poem is dramatic and works well. Well done.

Hullo there,

I agree pretty consistently with Blink's critique.

Even though the writing style is simple, a lot of the piece is fairly vague. I think it captures a lot of the "light blaring off hubcaps" feel of summer...but I think you fail to capture the idea. But then again, that might be appropriate. A loss, slipping between the fingers, lingering but a little - like sun and shadows playing on the rocks.

I'd really be interested to see what you could write if you gave yourself a little more freedom. Keep writing.
-M.

This is very nice! I liked your choice of words and adjectives; I could definitely imagine the scenery.
I think your last stanza is especially significant. It was powerful!

Hi,

I'm new here, but I wanted to post and review your poem because I enjoyed it

When I first read the title, I presumed the poem was going to be about depression or angst because I thought you meant you were feeling blue, although traces of this feeling can be found within the poem, you did well in making me re-think my presumptions with your descriptions of the sea and sky in the first stanza. The "faded denim" is also reminiscent of this.

As well as this, you seem to have linked your ideas well within the poem. For example, you talk of an 'Eagle' in the first stanza and then in the second stanza talk about "a darting eye", this makes me believe the darting eye belongs to the eagle. As you later mentioned in the thread, you imagined the "faded denim" to belong to a person walking down the beach in faded jeans. This correlates to the next two stanzas.

The words "rushing" and "darting" in the third stanza depicts a quick or sudden movement, which I read as the Eagle pouncing on it's prey, which in this case I believed to be the "faded denim" which is rather unfortunate for that person.

The fourth stanza then concludes the happenings of the Eagle, as it has pounced on it's prey and now, mourning begins for the prey as it's life has been taken. The last two lines are great and describe well:

"A flash of colour
gone too soon."

The flash of colour could be seen as one of two things. It could be seen as the blood leaking out of the prey as it's life has been devoured, but it also brings us back to the start of the poem and the title "Blue" as the faded denim, is gone and the waves go back to the sea. That is just my own interpretation of the poem, you may have had a completely different idea when writing it!

Overall, I thought it was very good and I hope you contine your writing endeavours!
Sami