Missing (chapter two)

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You won't understand this if you haven't read the first part.
Please review!!! :D

Slowly, the darkness that had numbed my senses with its cradling softness began to lift. Voices began flooding through my ears; some so loud that I wished the blackness would take me into its grip once again.
“Help her! Help her!” I heard a woman scream. I wondered why she was in such a panic, because I didn’t feel any pain.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, but she didn’t seem to hear me. Suddenly, pounding footsteps came from behind me.
“Oh God, she’s been shot! Quick, call an ambulance!” a voice shouted.
What sounded like a stampede sounded all around me.
“She’s not breathing! Oh lord… She’s not going to make it…”
“Come on, there must be someone here who can help her!”
I heard someone crouch down next to me. They put their sweaty fingers on my chest and began to pump it up and down hard.
Fire ripped through my heart.
Sirens wailed in the background, and the darkness became my owner once more.

Beep.
Beep.
A nasty pain clung to my chest like a black beetle, refusing to let go.
Beep.
An uncomfortable bit of plastic in my nose and mouth.
Beep.
Flashbacks.
Beep.
A crackling, familiar voice.
Beep.
Ronny.
“It’s me.”
A gunshot.

I opened my bleary eyes and found myself in a hospital bed. I was all wired up, connected to the heart monitor that beeped constantly, giving me a headache. There was a grey, plastic chair next to the bed, on which hung my father’s coat. Hundreds of flowers surrounded me, giving the room a sweet, fragrant scent. I moved my head slightly to the left, where my dad was staring out of the window.
“Dad?” I whispered, wincing as the flame stabbed my chest.
His head whipped round, and, for the second time in my life, I saw him crying.
A shudder ran through me.
My father walked slowly up to the bed and took my small, pale hand.
“I thought I’d never see you again…” he murmured. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared into his deep, sorrowful eyes. “When they told me you’d been shot, they told me you probably wouldn’t make it… The bullet went right near your heart, and you lost a lot of blood.” he continued, each tear a picture of all the sadness he’s faced. “What I want to know is why you were shot – what kind of monster would shoot such an innocent child? Why on earth would they do that? I can’t believe those good-for-nothing police haven’t found him yet…” he ranted.
I closed my eyes. He didn’t know. Of course he didn’t know.
He didn’t know that it had anything to do with Ronny at all.
But did I really want to tell him? If he knew, would he be in danger like me?
As soon as I’d realized it was my best friend speaking I’d been shot.
Almost killed.
There was no way I was putting my father in that kind of danger.

“Here, you dropped this when… it happened.” dad said suddenly, taking my phone out of his pocket and placing it in my hand. There was a speck of blood on the screen.
My blood.
I felt sick.

Suddenly, a new message appeared on the screen from an unknown number.
‘Look out of the window’
Shaking, I turned my head – and bit back a scream. On the roof of the building opposite stood a man dressed in all black, a hood pulled over his face. In his hand was a gun pointed straight at my father.
This was the man who shot me, I was sure of it.
“What’s wrong, Naomi - what is it?” he asked. I tried to point to the gunman, but my hand didn’t want to move. “Nurse! Nurse! There’s something wrong with my daughter!” he shouted.
Just then, my phone beeped again. Heart pounding, I read the message.
‘Don’t tell a soul’

I looked at the window in time to see the gunman disappearing, leaving no trace.




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One word: WOW!

I really love the atmosphere you created. I can't wait to hear more. Could you PM me when you have got the next part up?

What sort of disturbs me is the beginning up until where the "Beep. Beep." starts.
I don't think you can be conscious and your heart standing still at the same time. Especially since she awakes from unconsciousness while her heart stands still. I am not an expert on medicine but I think that is a contradiction.

The bullet went right near your heart

I don't think something can go "right near" anything. I suspect you started with "right next to" and changed to "near" in the middle.

As soon as I’d realized it was my best friend speaking I’d been shot.

You go a tense to far back in the second part of the sentence. Judging by the tenses the shooting happens before she realises it was her best friend. But the rest of your sentence obviously says something else. Try "was shot".

That is all that struck me. Except for the first part that is all small stuff. And as I said I really love the atmosphere. It is fun to read.
"Do you choose the path you walk upon or does it choose you?" - Abhorsen by Garth Nix

(freely translated form the language I read it in)




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This is really good! The only part that messed me up was the being shot and still being able to think and stuff. Especially if she was shot in the chest, there is no way she'd be awake. And if it got that close to her heart, it might have punctured a lung or too many arteries or...well, chest wounds are REALLY delicate. You're VERY unlikely to live though it. If i might make a suggestion, A shot though the shoulder, above the heart and near the end of the collar bone would prove fatal in most cases, unless the victim is young (Kids arteries seal up if they get cut, adults don't) She would still loose a lot of blood and she would probably be able to stay conscious for a few minutes.
Also, The fathers speech sounds a bit forced. Maybe ad a few breakdowns and racking sobs or something. Also, if she got shot, she probably wouldn't have her cell anywhere near her. (they take all your stuff away and keep it in a closet) so receiving and text, AND being able to see it would probably be a little far fetched. maybe if she saw the man over her fathers shoulder and have him put a finger to his lips or something.
But so far it's really good! Can't wait until the next part!
Roses are red
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I'm sure you'll do great!




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Well, After reading the first part, I really wanted to know what happened so i read this part. It fufilled my expectations and more! However, I agree with the above poster that being shot in the heart and everything then still being concious is unrealistic. So if you change that, I think that you'll be fine!

So now, I'm off to read the third part. You have me well and truly hooked!

Afeefah :D
I am who I am. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. :wink:



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening