Back to Back

I don't know where the inspiration came for this one but it's one o'clock in
the morning and the image of a couple came to mind, in the rain, back to
back, together, and I had to write it down. I wanted it to be very lyrical and
song-like so read it with a beat. Also, I wanted it to come across as blunt with
open images and such.I know I'm not talented at ALL in this department so
be honest and tell me if something doesn't sound right or if the poem just sucks
all together. Don't be afraid to be cruel. I can take it

Happy Reading!

___________________________________________

Droplets of dew fall freely
Time has stopped racing
Together we stand
You and Me
We

Back to Back
Sand under our toes
Water like thunder drums
Eyes meet eyes
Colors collide in a kaleidoscope of light

White teeth flash
Your cheeky smile makes me laugh
Heart pounding and pulse racing
The moment is ours
And ours alone

The rain turns to fog
Steam rises from the earth
Envelopes and guides us home

Parting hands
Good-bye lips
Time is back and waiting
Reality a relentless child

Another smile
Another kiss
And the moment fades
Into the mist

When I read it aloud and with a strong rhythm, it's really cool.
Very lively.

Not a vague grasp at a myriad of emotion like a lot of poetry, but a very solid image and a good strong pulse.

I wouldn't normally say this, because I'm all about spontaneity and expression, but if you really want to improve this piece perhaps you should make the stanzas more uniform. The style you used here is very stable and not complimented by irregularity.

I love the line,
"Reality a relentless child."

Only one question,
if they are back to back,
how can they be looking in each others' eyes?
(stanza two)

Aaaaashley!

First of all, I miss you. You're not around enough!

This poem was absolutely cute. Honestly, I am not a fan of love poem or anything mushy because the lines become over used and blah blah.

In a sense, I liked the short lines. It made for an easy reading, because there was no long string or phrase to dwell over and decipher. However, in a similar light, I think that the lines were an itty bit choppy.


Now! You didn't cover many emotions here, but you seemed to have one focus, which was wonderful. Nice work, Ash! Keep it up!

June

hey ashley dogs here

I think that this is a great poem and it belongs exactly were you put it. I really enjoyed reading this. it flowed great and it sounded even better. i can't find anything bad about this. like june i don't like love poems. but i find this piece a rare exception.

I suggest that you continue writing in the lyric section. i really enjoyed reading this













TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi ashleylee,

Droplets of dew fall freely
Time has stopped racing
Together we stand
You and Me
We

You say you were going for powerful images but what I see here is a reluctance to travel from abstract to concrete, and vice versa. Why talk about the vague concept of "time" racing - something that the reader cannot see in his mind - right after the very real description of dew falling? It's an uncomfortable transition and seems as if you can't make up your mind, so you try both at the same time and fail at doing so. Either keep one style going strong through the stanza or try to do both styles justice by making sure to carefully move from one to the other.

Back to Back
Sand under our toes
Water like thunder drums
Eyes meet eyes
Colors collide in a kaleidoscope of light

If you're back to back, your eyes cannot meet his. This does not make any sense, so change it.

White teeth flash
Your cheeky smile makes me laugh
Heart pounding and pulse racing
The moment is ours
And ours alone

That cheeky smile thing is way out of place, especially after you've described your feelings and environment so reverently, as if you were at the peak of a dark formality itself. Now this imagery of gaping mouths and cheeky smiles just seems like you have a short attention span and are jumping from one emotion to the other without bothering to build a bridge first.

The rest of the stanza is one large cliche. Hearts pounding, pulse racing, "our moment alone", blah blah blah. We've heard it all, don't waste our time. Delete the entire stanza.

The rain turns to fog
Steam rises from the earth
Envelopes and guides us home

You're somehow going under the earth? If not, this stanza doesn't make sense and the images are conflicted.

Are one of you...dying?

Parting hands
Good-bye lips
Time is back and waiting
Reality a relentless child

Another smile
Another kiss
And the moment fades
Into the mist

This might be good if we had any idea what was going on. As it is, this seems like a contrived attempt at romance without so much as a story. What preceded this was foggy and not discernible, so that carries over to the last stanza as well. You can't fix anything at the end without fixing everything that comes before it, so focus on the previous stanzas first and then come back here. Apply the same things I said earlier - concrete vs abstract, for example, in the second-to-last stanza.

I would normally tell you to throw this piece into the fire and work on something else, but some parts, like the last few stanzas, caught my mind as being decent enough to be saved and re-worked on. Kill the parts that are too bad to be salvaged at all.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hello there! I'm Hailey, and I'll be reviewing this poem!!


Okay, Usually, I dislike song-y love poems, but this one was actually really good! I had to read it more than once to get a good rhythm, and once I did, I really liked it! The poem/song thing was really cute. I thought you did and excellent job with the descriptive language. My favorite part of this poem was when you said " Parting hands, goodbye lips". That was really good!!


You did a lovely job with this piece! But, my only concern was in stanza two, you say that the couple is back to back, so how can they be looking into each others eyes? I didn't really get that...But otherwise, wonderful job!


Keep it up!!

~*Hailey,<3

Hey Ash! I had to check this out, since you don't write poetry often!

ashleylee wrote:
Droplets of dew fall freely (This confused me at first, because you said dew instead of rain, so I didn't know it was rain until the next stanza and you mentioned thunder. So maybe "rain" would be better, and exchage dew for another time in the poem.)
Time has stopped racing
Together we stand
You and Me
We (I like this. )

Back to Back
Sand under our toes
Water like thunder drums
Eyes meet eyes
Colors collide in a kaleidoscope of light (This part is really good, and I like it, but it doesn't seem to flow. Maybe because it's a long ending for a stanza, and the other one is a short.)

White teeth flash
Your cheeky smile makes me laugh Don't really like this for some reason. Describing the smile in this way doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem. I'd go for something a little more subtle, like the light in their eyes when they smile, tenderness, boldness, etc.)
Heart pounding and pulse racing
The moment is ours
And ours alone (This is may favorite part. Great work! )

The rain turns to fog
Steam rises from the earth
Envelopes and guides us home
(Right about here I think you should add and adverb to complete it, because this stanza seems too short compared to the others, inconsistant. I would add something like "gently" or "reluctantly".)

Parting hands
Good-bye lips
Time is back and waiting
Reality a relentless child

Another smile
Another kiss
And the moment fades
Into the mist

OVERALL: It flowed really well, it had good imagery, and I just . . . liked it! A lot. And the last part when you rhymed ABAB, it fit very well. The only suggestion I would give would be to focus on being consistent with your stanza lengths, so as to make the flow better.

~Sunny