He, a Tree, and Me

My shoeless feet escort me through the wood
Where dampened soil tells of winter gone -
Where songs of angels welcome in the dawn -
Where wind is swift and silent as a fawn.

The scattered beams of morning's light are soft,
Painting stained-glass patterns on the floor -
Upon the wind the breath of Spring dost soar,
And whispers joy - a joy not felt before.

I lift my gaze towards the morning sky,
Whose broken pieces glow the palest blue -
The canopoy of trees hides what is true -
And so remains untouched by lowly dew.

A wayside flower waits beside the path,
Her petals - pure and white like midday cloud -
Beam beauty sweet and silent, never proud;
Embodiment of light in humble shroud.

And all the while, far above her face,
An aged oak tree climbs to touch the sky -
The firm foundation stays through sway and sigh,
A fortress - mighty - that can never die.

But in this simple knowledge I find hope
And comfort, when I think of where I stand -
A flower I can hold within my hand,
While in the shadow of the oak's command.

The hope is found in knowing who I am
Is not the only person I can be -
If something can be pure as lowly she,
Then there is even hope for lowly me.

The comfort comes in knowing I am small -
That I need not depend on strength of mine;
For somewhere there is power more divine,
Who made me thus dependant by design.

My shoeless feet escort me through the wood

I don't really like the word "shoeless" here. It ruins it for me. Maybe some rewording.

Where dampened soil tells of winter gone -
Where songs of angels welcome in the dawn -

I like these lines ^^ Good imagery here, but the second line would be better as:
"Where songs of angels welcome to the dawn."
Because the songs are sounds and they can't really be "in" the dawn.

Where wind is swift and silent as a fawn.

Dear, don't let the rhyme scheme eat up the poem. Just because "fawn" rhymes with "dawn" doesn't mean it's clever or good word choice. The rhyme ruined the flow and makes the reader think "Oh, it's not free form. It's one of those poems where they try to make words rhyme." It could pass here, but just be careful when you do this. Choose meaning over rhyme.

I think what would solve this problem is rewording. It has too many syllables.
Maybe:
"Where wind is swift like a silent fawn."
Or something like that because the "a" is the extra syllable

The scattered beams of morning's light are soft,
Painting stained-glass patterns on the floor -
Upon the wind the breath of Spring dost soar,
And whispers joy - a joy not felt before.

Again good imagery, and this time the rhyme is a pass ^^ It flows.

I lift my gaze towards the morning sky,
Whose broken pieces glow the palest blue -
The canopoy* of trees hides what is true -
And so remains untouched by lowly dew.

In this stanza I just realized that your rhyming the last words in the last 3 sentences. I didn't see it earlier =_= And now it just seems like you're trying too hard to get rhyme-y words. I guess you can't do much about it since it's already in the rhyme scheme form. Just remember that there's nothing wrong with free-form.
*canopy
I think you should just delete this stanza and the poem would be better.

A wayside flower waits beside the path,
Her petals - pure and white like midday cloud -
Beam beauty(,) sweet and silent, never proud;
Embodiment of light in humble shroud.

Just need a comma there.

And all the while, far above her face,
An aged oak tree climbs to touch the sky -
The firm foundation stays through sway and sigh,
A fortress - mighty - that can never die.

Love this stanza! Beautiful *sniffles*

But in this simple knowledge I find hope
And comfort, when I think of where I stand -
A flower I can hold within my hand,
While in the shadow of the oak's command.

This doesn't really make sense and sounds like the rhyme scheme ate up the poem again. The "and" kills the flow.
Maybe try:
"But in this simple knowledge I find hope;
Comfort when I think of where I stand--
A flower raising high like a hand hand,
While in the shadow of the oak's command."

The hope is found in knowing who I am
Is not the only person I can be -
If something can be pure as lowly she,
Then there is even hope for lowly me.

You're repeating the whole "hope" thing. Overused.
The narrator sounds like a peasant now and once again the rhyme scheme ate it up. I think you could scrap this stanza.

The comfort comes in knowing I am small -
That I need not depend on strength of mine;
For somewhere there is power more divine,
Who made me thus dependant by design.

I think maybe if you changed this to:
"The comfort comes in knowing I am small--
That I need not depend on strength of mine;
For somewhere out there is power more divine,
Who made my flower dependant by design. "

The third line didn't really flow and the last line didn't really make sense. I think this should fix it.

-------

Overall: Great imagery here ^^ Just remember not to your repeat yourself and to always choose meaning over rhyme, but in the rare cases, choose the meaningful rhyme.

Also, you need to be clear on what you're trying to say. I'm not sure if the narrator is human or a flower or what. It's fuzzy on meaning.

Thanks for the read ^^

-Shina

[quote]I lift my gaze towards the morning sky,
Whose broken pieces glow the palest blue -
The [b]canopoy[/b] of trees hides what is true -
And so remains untouched by lowly dew.[/quote]
[b]canopoy[/b] should be canopy

This poem has some really great imagery. You use lots of vivid descriptions to paint a picture of the forest in the reader's mind.

Still, you concentrate a bit too much on making the words rhyme, causing you to add some phrases that don't quite make sense which takes away from the quality of the poem. Maybe reread it and see what you think.

There's a couple grammar mistakes- I mentioned one above- but that's not really a big problem here.

All in all, it was a pretty good poem. It could be better, but then again, can't everything. My main advice would be to stop focusing so much on the rhymes and worry more about the meaning the words carry.

Keep writing!

hey lilchoma. dogs here

I think that this poem is good, but it needs some work. i think that in the first line the word shoeless makes it a little choppy. also. what are you trying to tell the reader?? i also noticed that you are making the poem by rhyme only on the middle two lines and sometimes the last three lines. i would suggest that you make this concistent. also in the fourth stanza, are you describing the moon??

apart from that i think that this is great, you should keep up the good work












TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi, Lilchoma! June here!

While I strongly like some of the imagery you used throughout this, something in this poem gives me the idea that it's not standing out as much as it should.

To start, it could be the rhyme. I think that the rhyme is too prominent of a feature here to really be appreciated; it's like you're forcing your poem to rhyme rather than rhyme forcing your poem to work.

I also think that it was a bit wordy and too much telling. One of the things I really, really like about poetry is the fact that showing is much easier, especially in lyric poetry. Thus, tools such as "I said, I do, I think, She does, You do," and the likes are presently eliminated.

Here, I think you were too heavy on that, as well as telling. It read much more of a narrative poem than a lyric, and that made it pretty hard to catch a rhythm.

With that said, you have a really amazing talent for good imagery. Nice work; keep it up, Choma.

Juniper