Leaving home

I'm not entirely sure if I've posted this under the correct category, but oh well.
This is my first posted piece so reviews would be greatly appreciated


It’s so odd to think home is no longer where you live and suddenly strangers are your new family.
In the storm, whose chest can you rest on?
In the fire, who do you save?
In the isolation, who is there to run to?
Everyone, anyone could be you. It’s all a big twenty-four hour good impression; be unforgettable, but ordinary. God forbid they see the sins all the people back home know taint you.
Go to your old address, your old street, your old friends. See the people you once loved and held and tell them the weather’s nice.
It doesn’t do them justice.
You all smile, everything is well in the new foreign land.
Liar.
Hide your deceitful molars in shame.

You see her.
The only person you lay in bed and felt completely comfortable with.
If you look deep enough – zoom into her eyes – you are submerged in the old world, where you never knew what it was like to be truly alone.
It’s like nothing ever changed.
You can smell cannabis and coffee and the perfume you got her that anniversary.

Pan out and your senses readjust. You’re back in the street and she’s only an acquaintance now.
Smile politely, kiss her cheek and wish it’s her lips. As you walk away you both silently know you’re remembering that same night all those years ago.
Now build.
Haven’t you had long enough to realise all the time you spent finding people who know you inside out is wasted?
Make an alter ego if it pleases you. A new persona you can convince yourself and everyone else is you. Wipe your slate clean; finally.
Divorce nostalgia, stop pining for comfort in well-known arms.
Throw your old ashes into the wind and stop listening to what you’re being told to do.

Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do anyway?
Go.

I think that you need to put this into better stanza's or nobody is going to review this.

Once you do let me know. -Flower-

I am going to make this a little bit shorter on the lines and then I will review it ok.


It’s so odd to think home is no longer where you live,
and suddenly strangers are your new family.

I like this line. I don't know if it is the strongest beginning, but I do like it.




In the storm, whose chest can you rest on?
In the fire, who do you save?
In the isolation, who is there to run to?
Everyone, anyone could be you.

I like this, but I don't quite understand what you mean by, :Everyone, anyone could be you." How could anyone be you?




It’s all a big twenty-four hour good impression;
be unforgettable,
but ordinary.

I like this, but I think that if you left the word good out it would be better.



God forbid they see the sins,
all the people back home know taint you.

I like this, I know I have said that alot haha. Anyway I can relate to this line.

Go to your old address,
your old street,
your old friends.

Nothing wrong here.


See the people you once loved,and held,
and tell them the weather’s nice.
It doesn’t do them justice.
You all smile, everything is well in the new foreign land.
Liar.


Hide your deceitful molars in shame.

I don't know what you mean here by molars.

You see her.
The only person you lay in bed and felt completely comfortable with.

There needs to be a with after bed I think.

If you look deep enough
– zoom into her eyes –
you are submerged in the old world,
where you never knew what it was like to be truly alone.
It’s like nothing ever changed.
You can smell cannabis and coffee,
and the perfume you got her that anniversary.

A little long but descriptive.

Pan out and your senses readjust.
You’re back in the street and she’s only an acquaintance now.
Smile politely,
kiss her cheek and wish it’s her lips.
As you walk away you both silently know
you’re remembering that same night
all those years ago.
Now build.
Haven’t you had long enough to realise
all the time you spent finding people who know you inside out is wasted?
Make an alter ego if it pleases you. A new persona you can convince yourself and everyone else is you. Wipe your slate clean; finally.
Divorce nostalgia, stop pining for comfort in well-known arms.
Throw your old ashes into the wind and stop listening to what you’re being told to do.

Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do anyway?

In the last line unnecessary language, and the lines are a bit long as well.

Anyway I do like this, it took a long time to sort it out, but I do like it.
Go.[/quote]

The everyone, anyone could be you bit was referring to how it's a 24-hour good impression and you can make yourself out to be anyone you want. Not a very stable point though, so I see where you're coming from there
Molars refers to the "you all smile" part - molars are your back teeth, so it's supposed to allude to the fact it's a false (and also wide!) smile in a way, perhaps that could be clearer, thanks!!
xxx

Hey there!! To start, I'm Hailey, and I'm happy to be reviewing your poem!!

Okay, I LOVED the beginning. I think it was a strong beginning and it totally caught my eye and dragged me in, So great!!

I like the theme of the poem ALOT and I thought you did a wonderful job with the imagery and wording. One thing I must suggest though, is to put this poem into better stanza's, that might bring more reviews (Just to let you know...)

Otherwise, Good job, and keep it up my dear!! =]

~*Hailey,<3

Hi, Madhatter! Welcome to YWS!

So, to start, I want to say that this is an excellent poem (despite the criticism-filled comments I am about to make! ) and I really do like message you're conveying.

Also, on Flower's note, it's up to you how you want to structure your poem. After all, a poem is partially made up by its structure.

So! While your first lines were very, very creative and beautiful and what not, I do have to say that they seem a bit "loose" in the sense that they're quite this way and that when they should have a more together feel. I feel like the lines are very, very vaguely connected, but in my mind, I think they should be more clearly connected, dear.

The middle stanza is supreme. I absolutely love it-- it really builds on and propels the poem forward, leaving us wanting more. I can see how this ties in with the opening stanza, but I feel that the connection is loose.

With that said, the loose feeling is nice for the disconnection that builds after years/time apart. It suits the poem, but in a way, I feel that it's not doing this justice, because it's loose and connected at the same time and our heads are left whirling with all this good information; we cannot figure what to make of it.

I really, really like your closing, though. It's organized, it's relevant. It's a new approach. It doesn't have any of that usual heavy angst that comes with overused words and overused patterns --

To be blatant, I loved this.

This is the type of poem that can easily be related to, easy to reflect on and just overall and thoroughly beautiful.

A gold piece, Hatter. Gold star for this, and welcome to YWS!

June