A Little Girl

A little girl,
Standing curious and quiet.
Looks nervous but,
Confident and patient.

Holds her bag tight,
Hugs its cold, wet surface.
Wondering why,
Does she always need to cry?

A little girl,
Thinks about that moment.
Maybe a little sad but,
Not regretful.

Feels so tired but
Seems nowhere to have a rest.
Just the snow,
And a few poor trees.

A little girl,
Searches for a new home.
Pessimistic a lot, but
Not totally hopeless.

Nearly freezes but
Believes in her dreams
That a witch will come
And take her to spring.

A little girl,
Bored with living
And always fighting for something
Then being defeated.

Runs away from all the truths,
Now, losing her aim.
Nothing more sounds meaningful,
Cause she's already given up this big game.

A little girl,
Wants a quick end.
A better way could exist, she accepts
But no other chance, today.

Afraid of what may happen
But determined and brave.
Starts walking again,
To that miraculous bright trail.



Hello everyone, I look forward to reading your reviews!
Selin

Hey Selin! June here!

I think that this is a fairly, fairly decent poem, that holds a lot of potential. However! I think it could use some polishing, dear.

Like this stanza:

Holds her bag tight,

Hugs its cold, wet surface.

Wondering why,

Does she always need to cry?

To be honest, the whole stanza is not entirely important, but I have to say that the first two lines are not important, with the second line not being important at all. As your audience, we don't really need to have every little detail about this girl and her possessions.

I also see that, again, you're sacrificing your message for rhyme. Break free! Don't let the rhyme restrict you; restrict it. As a result, you will have a much better poem.

I would eliminate all of the extra lines. If you notice, you're sometimes saying something and adding to it for the sake of rhyme, which is really ruining what you're establishing. Write the message out, and then see if you can rhyme it, but don't rhyme the message, dear.

Good luck!

June

Hi there! I'm going to be reviewing your poem today...
Here's the thing: I didn't care about the little girl. You kept telling me she's sad, she's pessimistic but not hopeless, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I would suggest giving us little clues, little treats to make us (the readers) care. Don't tell us she's tired´; tell us that her eyes, dry from exhaustion (or from too many tears?) refuse to focus, or that her legs tremble, the muscles refusing to take another step. Is she bored with living? Or do those dry, drooping eyes slide over the icicycle-laden and snow-covered trees such disinterest that one could interpret it as scorn? These types of treats are what we readers live for!
Also, you could give us treats about why our world-weary heroine is in her current state. You say she 'thinks about that moment'. What moment? We don't need her whole life story, but a little clue would be nice. Maybe you could slip in there something about a bruise on her thigh the shape of a man's palm, or say something about the wrench in her heart when she left the friends to whom she could no longer belong.
For any of this to work, you're probably going to have to step out of your rhyme scheme and into freestyle. That's okay, just go with it.
This poem can definitey become something. It has a lot fo promise. Work with it.
PM me with any questions.
-Aussie

With narrative poetry, similar rules apply as to prose. You need to show rather than tell because otherwise we feel no empathy for the character in question. So, if you take this and what everybody else has said into consideration, I think the poem could become something.

I really do like the idea behind it, and I also think, like the others said, that you should step out of your comfort zone and freestyle it. (:

Hi Selin,

Selin wrote:A little girl,
Standing curious and quiet.
Looks nervous but,
Confident and patient.

So she's curious, quiet, nervous, confident, and patient. What do these words have in common? None of them actually show anything and are simply filler terms for a failing writer to try to "describe" an image without actually doing so. Don't cop out on the reader anytime, and especially not in the first stanza. These dry, boring words have no user nor meaning to me and I found myself being preached to, not shown anything.

Holds her bag tight,
Hugs its cold, wet surface.
Wondering why,
Does she always need to cry?

A little girl,
Thinks about that moment.
Maybe a little sad but,
Not regretful.

The crying thing makes no sense because you don't expand on it. Yes, I have read the rest of this poem and have come back to point out that this is the start of many unfinished questions or ideas that you just leave hanging for the reader, as if you got bored and decided not to wrap up the story. Delete the rhetorical question.

"Maybe" sad? Aren't you supposed to be an omniscient narrator? It certainly seems that way in every others stanza. Delete the weasel word.

Feels so tired but
Seems nowhere to have a rest.
Just the snow,
And a few poor trees.

Again, weasel words are choking this poem. "Seems"? You don't need that.

What makes the trees poor? Describe it or delete it; just don't waste our time with half-baked images that lead nowhere.

A little girl,
Searches for a new home.
Pessimistic a lot, but
Not totally hopeless.

Why?

Nearly freezes but
Believes in her dreams
That a witch will come
And take her to spring.

Why?

And since when is a witch a sign of hope? That's an interesting idea but unfortunately, like with every other concept in this piece, you never delve into it and instead leave it shivering on it's own so the reader can scratch his head in puzzlement and discard it entirely, not sure what to do with it.

A little girl,
Bored with living
And always fighting for something
Then being defeated.

Why?

Runs away from all the truths,
Now, losing her aim.
Nothing more sounds meaningful,
Cause she's already given up this big game.

You've already said this many times over. Get rid of this stanza.

A little girl,
Wants a quick end.
A better way could exist, she accepts
But no other chance, today.

Why? And for that matter, how?

Afraid of what may happen
But determined and brave.
Starts walking again,
To that miraculous bright trail.

Why? And from where did she suddenly summon this courage?

Overall, this has more holes than is even remotely close to acceptable. Kill this poem and start again.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

The only problem that I had with this poem was that it seemed that it rhymed at random stanzas. This was a very pretty poem, though. I think you did a nice job of catching the depression of a little girl. I liked it. Keep it going.

Hullo, I'm KayC, and here's what I thought of this poem.

First of all, I'll start off by saying that I loved the whole thing overall. I thought it was very pretty, and, if you were to make a few minor adjustments, I think it has the potential to be a very magnificent piece.

However, as I was reading through it, I found myself in many instances simply wondering, "Why?" Galerius has already gone into great detail about specific places where the question comes up, so I won't go into any great detail. Overall, I was just left thinking, "Alright, so we know the little girl feels this way or that way. But why is it that she feels this way?"

Also, I loved hearing about the little girl, and the poem certainly made me feel for her, but it would be great if you could tell us a little more about her. Give us a reason to care about her. Clue us into her story a little bit.

Other than that, I thought it was a great poem, and it was very much worth the time it took to sit down and read it! Keep the writing coming!

--KayC Writer

Hey, everyone!
Thank you all, you gave me very useful tips and I'm going to work on this poem. I can say that I tried to tell you how this "Little Girl" decided to end her life and go for a suicide, but it seems something is missing! So I'll try to write it again and wait for your reviews!
Again, thanks to you all:)
Selin