URGENT short story for review (Brutal reviews welcome)

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Claire and Paul were best friends. Claire celebrated her 21st birthday in June and Paul would celebrate his in September. They didn’t see each other as much as they would have liked, Paul studied law and politics and Claire studied art and design across town. Nevertheless, every so often they made time to meet for coffee and hurl at each other anecdotes and dilemmas, and resolve and advice. Claire’s lips were peach and when she smiled, her checks lifted and to Paul, her eyes were like half moons. Paul told jokes and her laugh boomed and for a moment, his face would heat and he could feel the stares of the other coffee drinkers, but his embarrassment was fleeting. Claire talked about the state of the world, climate change and the fresh presidential administration. Paul sipped his coffee and muttered commonplace nothings.

This is one big awkward info-dump. Do we need to know all this? If we do, then you could show it just as easily by writing out the information as an actual scene. And the first lines are too obvious and come across as immature. “Claire and Paul were best friends” reads like a line from a child’s reading book. And why do we need to know the exact date of Claire’s birthday and only the month of Paul’s? It’s not necessary.

You could fix this by writing it all out. Instead of starting after one visit, write out that visit, or at least the end of it. That way we get a feel for the characters and are eased into the action without you dropping boring information on our toes like a bag of elephants.

On this day as they stepped from the coffee shop, Claire stopped and turned to him.

‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’

You should have Claire’s action and Claire’s dialogue on the same line.

‘Probably drinking with the boys,’ he began realising how typical he sounded, ‘Actually I don’t know, whys that?’

Rather awkward wording. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, so I can’t think how to fix it.

‘Tomorrow at five most of my friends are handing in our last assignments and a couple of us will be having a drink, then heading to a club, so if you want to come along?’

She says all this without stopping for breath or a full stop? This is a long list. Unnatural. Have something like, “Me and my friends are handing in our assignments tomorrow and then having some drinks and stuff. Do you want to come along? We might be going to a club or something afterwards.”

‘Maybe just at my flat, I don’t know if anyone from school will be there, my flatmate Jade will be drinking.’

The bolded bit is amazingly stiff. “Will be drinking”? It sounds as though English isn’t your first language.

Paul swallowed, he liked Claire and they had grown closer since high school, but her friends act and dress so differently.

You should start a new sentence after “Paul swallowed”. You also switch tenses: “her friends act and dress” should be “her friends acted and dressed…”

Maybe just at my flat, I don’t know if anyone from school will be there, my flatmate Jade will be drinking.’ Paul swallowed, he liked Claire and they had grown closer since high school, but her friends act and dress so differently.

‘Yeah, alright, I’ll give you a text later and get the details sorted.’

‘All right, no pressure or anything, and who knows, maybe you will meet a girl, most of my friends are single anyway.’

It took me a while to sort out who was speaking here. You should move Paul’s action and thought onto another line with his dialogue (“Yeah, alright…”) to avoid confusion. Also, “alright” should be two words, “all right”.

Paul laughed and turned to leave and with a grin he stepped out to cross the road, he turned back.

IS English your first language? This really sounds wrong. It’s all a long, stiff, choppy list. Make it something like, “Paul smiled and turned to leave, calling back, ‘I’ll text you later.’” It runs more smoothly like that, see? You don’t have all the unnecessary details bogging it down.

He threw a hand in pulled it out and flipped it open.

You’re missing commas here. Make it something like, “He pulled it out and flipped it open.”

‘No he’s just a friend.’ Claire began somewhat embarrassed.

You’re missing commas. This should be, “ ‘No, he’s just a friend,’ Claire began, somewhat embarrassed.”

’You can’t be just friends with guys Claire.’ Jade squawked, with a snide undertone and the other girl laughed despite the emptiness of her words.

Claire blushed.

‘Fine I’ll tell him he can’t come.’

‘No get him round, has he got any friends?’ Tracy added her brand of wanton remark and Jade sniggered. Claire forced a laugh.

Why is she hanging around with these people if she doesn’t like the way they act? You’re trying too hard with these girls. You want them to seem sluttish but they’re exaggerated. Be more subtle, take out the stiff description: “her brand of wanton remark” “with a snide undertone” “despite the emptiness of her words.”

Paul grinned and raised his eyebrows, he was challenging the shy brown haired, lothario.

A shy Lothario seems a contradiction. Take out the blurb about his hair colour, it’s not important.

Paul had a shower and threw on his tidiest jeans, dark leather shoes, and an ironed sky-blue shirt with the top two buttons undone. He walked to Tim’s with a box of European beer. It took two knocks and a few seconds for Tim to swing the door open. He was dressed in tight jeans, black leather shoes and a plain white T-shirt with a black waistcoat.

BLURB. There’s so much detail here that the whole paragraph falls flat. It’s a list, and lists are boring.

‘Won’t be a min mate, just need to do my hair, looking sharp by the way’ Tim calls as he disappears back into his flat. Paul enters and drops on a couch in the lounge.

Why have you suddenly switched from past to present tense?

He shook Tim and Pauls hands. His polo shirt barely concealed his shoulders and his jeans were long and baggy.

Forgot the apostrophe on “Pauls hands”. Should be “Paul’s hands”. And how can his shirt barely cover his shoulders? It’s girls’ shirts that have wide necks.

‘Hey your not taking the crate are you?’ Paul enquired sheepishly.

Sheepishly makes it seem as though he’s embarrassed about something that he’s done himself. Find another word or leave it blank.

‘Yeah what else?’ Tama replied with a narrow glare and a careless grin.

Too much blurb. And he’s grinning and glaring at the same time? Try and think what it actually looks like. A narrow grin sounds weird, and combined with a careless grin, Tim must be looking really weird right now.

‘Oh, these girls are all snobby, they won’t like that, I’ll give you a few of these?’

Why is there a question mark here?

‘Nah mate, I don’t drink that foreign crap.’ Tama’s remark left Paul with jaw clenched and eyes on the floor.

Blurb. Stiff, too many details, too many superfluous actions.

Claire’s phone sounded and in a flash it was up to her nose.

Since when do people speak through their noses?

‘Oh its alright, we’re just getting started.’

Wrong “its”, should be “it’s”.

‘This is Tama and Tim by the way, ’ He turns to the boys, ‘And this is Claire.’

Tense switch again.

Claire noticed Paul cringe.

Why is he cringing?

‘Lets go to a club?’ Claire called feeling stale.

What the fluff? Stale is how you can tell cakes and biscuits apart. Cakes go hard, biscuits go soft. Having never been a half-drunk person, I’m a little vague on the subject, but I’d be prepared to bet that they don’t feel like an old loaf of bread.

----

That probably sounded really, really mean, and I'm sorry but this does need work. You're missing punctuation, your dialogue and description are stiff and unnatural, your characters are boring and the actual story doesn't do anything.

What you should do is read. Read and read and read and read and read. You can't write stories if you don't read stories. If you read how other people have done it, how they've made it work, then you learn for yourself how it all works and it eventaully becomes automatic. Things like description -- sometimes you did it perfectly:

Claire pulled the hood of her dark woollen cardigan over her head and thought about how shy Paul was with girls at school and an impish grin spread across her face.

The description of her cardigan is put in easily and quietly. We barely notice it but we take it in.

However, at other times like when Paul is getting dressed and you go into reams of detail about his clothes -- that's pointless fluff.

As for the story, there wasn't much to it. No twists, nothing that left me thinking thoughtful thoughts. Several thousand words describing a party and then a paragraph or two talking about how unhappy everyone was a few years later. No point to it.

I have to go now, but do PM me if you have any questions.

fantastic feed back. The problems with the tense are common in everything I write. Alot of words and expressions are used only in New Zealand and perhaps don't make sense such as ' my flat mate will be drinking.' This is a fairly common expression. As for the phone being up to Claire's nose, few people call from cell phones in NZ due to the high prices, we instead text, and when someone has had a couple of drinks they seem to move their phone closer to their face. Anyway thanks alot, awesome work, I will iron out the creases and rework plot points and characters.

Jumping a month into the future I see XD.

Hey there, it's dreamwalker here with a review as asked! Like always, I started with my nit-picks, then I go into Grammar and Punctuation, Plot, Setting and Descriptions, and my personal favourite, Character Developement.

So lets get started!

Nit-picks

Claire and Paul were best friends. Claire celebrated her 21st birthday in June and Paul would celebrate his in September.

Not the most 'sound' way of opening this up. It sounds like the narrator is a robot. Trying putting in some expressive words for this is just.. well boring. You'll lose your readers interests quickly.

They didn’t see each other as much as they would have liked, Paul studied law and politics and Claire studied art and design across town.

The comma should either be a period of a semicolon. Take your pick XD.

Nevertheless, every so often they made time to meet for coffee and hurl at each other anecdotes and dilemmas, and resolve and advice.

This is very unclear. Hurl at eachother sounds almost like puking at eachother, which is the image I got, and dilemmas should be in front of anecdotes or is sounds silly cause you're talking about relieveing the pain then about the pain itself. It's unclear, so just change the wording around.

Claire’s lips were peach and when she smiled, her checks lifted and to Paul, her eyes were like half moons.

This description of her was very randomly thrown in. Lead into these descriptions, like say 'she raised the cup of tea to her peach lips, eyes staring at Paul who always noted the fact that those orbs of hers looked like half-moons.'

Paul told jokes and her laugh boomed and for a moment, his face would heat and he could feel the stares of the other coffee drinkers, but his embarrassment was fleeting.

This sentence is very run on. You might want to fix that up a bit.

Claire’s lips were peach and when she smiled, her checks lifted and to Paul, her eyes were like half moons. Paul told jokes and her laugh boomed and for a moment, his face would heat and he could feel the stares of the other coffee drinkers, but his embarrassment was fleeting. Claire talked about the state of the world, climate change and the fresh presidential administration. Paul sipped his coffee and muttered commonplace nothings.

This whole section feels like 'This happened. This happened. This happened.' You're telling us but showing us? Not happening. This feels like positions in a script or screenplay, which might be a better choice then an actually short story because there is no dialogue, just saying 'he had talked about this. She had talked about that.' It's not very entertaining to read.

On this day as they stepped from the coffee shop, Claire stopped and turned to him.
‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’

Finally, some dialogue.

he began realising how typical he sounded, ‘Actually I don’t know, whys that?’

Full stop after 'sounded'. Change the comma to a period.

‘Tomorrow at five most of my friends are handing in our last assignments and a couple of us will be having a drink, then heading to a club, so if you want to come along?’

'If you want to come along' is not a question-like statement. 'Would you like to come along?' would be a question-like statement. You might want to change that. Also comma after 'five'.

‘Maybe just at my flat, I don’t know if anyone from school will be there, my flatmate Jade will be drinking.’ Paul swallowed, he liked Claire and they had grown closer since high school, but her friends act and dress so differently.

You have a tendancy to misuse comma's. The first comma should be a period after 'flat'. There should be a period after 'there' which means you must capitalize 'my'. There should be a period after 'swallowed' and in that 'he' should be capitalized.

Yeah, alright, I’ll give you a text later and get the details sorted

I'm sure the proper statement for this is 'send' instead of 'give'. It will make is flow better and makes the dialogue sound a little less static.

‘All right, no pressure or anything, and who knows, maybe you will meet a girl, most of my friends are single anyway.’

Again, you have a misusage of comma's and period's. Add a period after 'anything' where a comma is located. Take the 'and' out and capitalize 'who'. Period after 'girl' and capitalize 'most'. Oh and add an s onto 'anways'. You wanted me to be brutal XD so I'm being brutal XP.

Paul laughed and turned to leave and with a grin he stepped out to cross the road, he turned back.

Full stop after 'road'.

He threw a hand in pulled it out and flipped it open.

Comma after 'in'. Comma after 'out'.

Claire hadn’t yet texted him

Take 'yet' out and put it at the end of the sentence.

Claire laughed and joked with two girlfriends she met at uni.

You jumped from Paul's POV to Claires without specifying. To a reader that can be terribly annoying.

They took photos, drink mock champagne, and talk about men.

Tense jump. 'Took' should be 'take'.

‘You can’t be just friends with guys Claire.’

Comma after 'guys'.

Fine I’ll tell him he can’t come

Comma after 'fine'.

‘No get him round, has he got any friends?

I don't get the remark, nor have I ever heard it used before. Doesn't sound very flowy, and if I am correct, there should be a comma after 'No'.

It was from Claire, she wanted him to come round, and she suggested he bring friends.

Full stop after 'Claire'.

Paul grinned and raised his eyebrows, he was challenging the shy brown haired, lothario

Full stop after 'eyebrows'.

He knew Tim would get drunk quickly, and then he would be happy-go-lucky

The comma wasn't necessary in this sentence.

‘Won’t be a min mate, just need to do my hair, looking sharp by the way’ Tim calls as he disappears back into his flat.

Won't be a min mate? I dont really know what thats supposed to mean either but there should be a comma after 'min' if that is even a word.. Also, full stop after hair. Comma after 'way'.

Claire and her friends continue to drink mock-champagne, the gossip was getting louder.

Full stop or semicolon where the comma is.

‘Hey do you think it would be alright if Tama came?’

Comma after 'hey'.

‘OK, I guess,’ Paul allowed his shoulders to slump, and a grimace to spread, ‘It would just be nice if you asked before you invited him.’

Full stop after 'guess'. Full stop after 'spread'.

Every few minutes she would check her cell phone, with continual disappointment.

No need for the comma.

‘Hey your not taking the crate are you?’

Comma after 'Hey'. 'Your' should be 'you're' in this case.

‘Oh, these girls are all snobby, they won’t like that, I’ll give you a few of these?’

Full stop after 'snobby'. Full stop after 'that'. Also, don't but a question mark at the end of a statement. Change the wording to make it a question or replace the questionmark with a period.

Tama’s remark left Paul with jaw clenched and eyes on the floor

Either put an 'a' before 'with' or right 'Paul's' and get rid of the 'with'.

‘They’re on their way now.’ She called to the other girls from behind the blender.

The period should be a comma. No full stop. 'She' should not be capitalized.

Paul knocked; Tim put his box of beer at his feet and squeezed his hands into his back pockets, leaning forward; and Tama lifted his crate onto his shoulder and posed in a wides stance.

Wrong use of a semicolon. Take the 'and' out.

Paul noticed instantly her peach lips were concealed by red lipstick, and her light hair was tied back, and her clothes were dark and fitted.

Take the first 'and' out.

‘Oh its alright, we’re just getting started.’

Full stop after 'alright'.

‘ This is Tama and Tim by the way, ’ He turns to the boys, ‘And this is Claire.’

Full stop after 'way'.

‘Nice to meet you.’ Tim called.

Comma intead of full stop.

‘Umm Tama would you like a glass?’

'Umm' should just be 'um'. I know, weird, but even words like that have proper spelling. Also, comma after 'um'.

Tama and Tim were quiet, and Paul couldn’t find an opening to speak.

No comma needed in this bit.

Finally Tracy left to go to the bathroom and the others pounced on the opportunity for small talk.

Why did Tracy have to leave for small talk to begin? And comma after 'finally'.

‘I met Timmy through one of my other mates, and my rugby team bet Paul’s’

'Bet' should be 'beat'. Also, the comma wasn't needed. Also, comma after 'Paul's'.

she bellowed as she clumsily waltzed around the table topping up glasses, before she fell back in her seat.

No comma needed.

‘Oh shit I’ll get the cards eh?’

Was this story rated? I can't remember. Comma after 'shit'. Comma after 'cards'.

Tama was telling her about rugby and the gym, Tracy continued to drink.

Full stop or semicolon where the comma is.

Paul, capped the wine bottle and tossed it up to Claire.

No need of a comma.

Claire and Paul climber six or more sets of steps.

'Climber' should be 'climbed'.

‘Shall we head back, I should probably check on Tracy.’
‘Yeah sure, what’s the time?’

Question mark instead of comma, and period after 'sure'.

Grammar and Punctuation

You need to work on this section XP. There was very few spelling mistakes but the sentences were way to short and your comma usages made me cringe. You must work on your comma placements, your period placements, some of your sentence structure, and yeah. Just check what I marked above and you'll see what you need to improve. Also, your use of vocabulary is very limited. It's very simple language so try doing something else with it.

Setting and Descriptions

You had a lot of random, unnecessary descriptions added throughout this piece that really weren't needed, as Wooster said before me with the clothing descriptions. The setting descriptions were lacking greatly as was any sort of emotion in your characters. Description is another area you need to work on.

Plot

Okay so this section is going to sound brutal, just so you know before reading. I am warning you.

This was pointless. Were you trying to be sattirical? Create a crappy, unsatisfying ending to a bland, empty storyline? Basically everyone got drunk, they fell asleep, and now their lives suck. Oh and Claire died. I really don't know what you were trying to prove with this piece, and to be frankly honest, everything about it felt shallow to me... sorry for being harsh. I just want you to know the full truth.

Character Developemet

Yet again another place in which you need to work on. You say one thing about your characters and then suddenly change it around. Your characters felt very shallow and it just didn't feel at all real to me. Even your protagonists felt like Mary Sues to me. Give them some sort of personality and make it shine through cause none of these characters even somewhat appealed to me. It just felt like a useless frat party... again sorry for being harsh. Character developement is the area I exceed in.

Overall

There needs to be some serious revising, but it wasn't all the terrible to read. I read it and thought it was interesting enough which mean't I didn't stop reading it. I was just... not exactly excited with the idea and the plot line was terribly non-existent. I have no idea what you were trying to prove so, for that, I am sorry.

You do have potential though, and writing is an art. It takes time and patience to learn so I know you'll give yourself time to learn and grow .

Is walking in death
~The.Dreamwalker

P.S. Brutal enough?

Nice edit

Okay so I'll give you a few quick nit-picks but nothing crazy.

However the coffee shop was all they had, Claire had her friends and Paul had his.

Semicolon would be most wise where the comma is for that is not the proper way of using a comma.

Okay, you know what? I read this through and thoroughly enjoyed the fact that the grammer is now we'll and the plotline in somewhat sounder but you need to see this.

Correct comma usages:
-"Hi," he said.
-"Hi." He turned his back on her.
-He turned his back on her and said, "Hi."
-He turned his back on her. "Hi."
-"I was," He turned towards the other direction, "going to the park."

Next area.

They walked down the hall, hand in hand, as always.
He was always scheming something; His plans consisted of terrible things.
"Let's see eachother again, Gean." -note the comma before 'Gean'.
By the way, is there a place I can stay? - Comma after way? Catching on yet? XD

Also, comma's are used in places like the first line because the part in the middle isn't necessary.

You see, They walked down the hall, hand in hand, as always could easily just be 'They walked down the hall as always'. The 'hand in hand' isn't necessary hence the usage of comma's.

Just stuff like that.

Overall

Not enough changes made to make it sound overly wonderful but enough to boost your story in my eyes. It's better but it could use a lot of tweaking especially in the grammar section. The sentences are also very fragmented which is not very good when it comes to things like stories.

Other then that, good luck!
~The.Dreamwalker

I definitely like the idea of this, and some parts are very good, but you rush a lot. You choose to show these scenes because they are important, yet you fast-forwarded through the whole thing. Slow down. Show us the details. Pick one character as the POV. Even though it’s 3rd person, you still need to focus on just one. Let us see the world through Paul’s and Claire’s eyes. What do they think of the others? The mess? The smell of the beer? The cool breeze rushing over them? Focus on all of that. All 5 senses.

The end is where it really goes downhill. You summarize everything that happened – that’s not very good. Show us the in-between. Why do we care what happened between these couples – we didn’t see them together. We didn’t invest in them emotionally. We saw them one drunk night, and knew that Paul was funny in high school. Give Paul and Claire more history, and let a story build between the other characters.

And focus on emotions a lot in the end. How would this all feel? Having a son you never see? Being kicked out by your own-again-off-again girlfriend? Losing your love to cancer?

Slow down and focus, and this’ll be great.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415