I hear the whistling

I hear the whistling


I hear the whistling.

It chases me,

It blows everything away.

It began in the cemetery,

It was born from the wind.

I hear the whistling.



It’s wreaking havoc,

It's killing the land.

It’s making me run,

It’s taking me somewhere.

I hear the whistling.



It stops me from leaving,

It’s in my mind.

It pulls the strings,

It’s made me a puppet.

I hear the whistling.



It takes me to a forest,

It leads me into the dark.

It’s showing me a cave,

It takes me inside.

I can’t hear the whistling...

Hello, I'm Casper and I'll review your work NOW!!!

Seriously, why did you put all those "whistlings" here? It makes the poem boring as hell.
All this is so monotone. We got it the first time when you mentioned you hear the whistling.

My second suggestion would be that you revise the punctuation. It's okay, but it could be better. I would definitely remove the "!" at the end and replace it with "." Remember: "A dog who barks, don't bite."

I understand what you're saying in the poem, but I don't understand the metaphor. Did you try to warn us that we must be aware of the danger that lurks with sweet talk or what? It reminds me of pedophiles and innocent kids.

For the end, uh, just remove verses with whistling and the poem would be much better.

-peace!

i didn't really get this poem, but i have to agree with the above. Please, just please, delete the repetition. Don't get me wrong, i love repetition when it's used wisely but that was too much! seriously i read it without all the I hear the whistlings and it sounded so much better, great actually! But i'm not getting a message from the poem, it's a little too vague for me. I kinda get the feeling that someone is telling them to do something, or maybe it's crazy voices in their head, or something else. But maybe that was your intention? to keep the reader guessing?
But yeah, keep working on it!
X

Hi RJ! June here!

Okay, to start, I have to say this is a wonderful poem. I really enjoy the theme of it, and it had a suspenseful touch to it. Nice job.

I do agree with the other reviewers when they say that the repetition of "I hear the whistling" is a bit heavy. Without it, I feel that the poem flows freer, it's easier to digest and just plain more enjoyable.

I personally would eliminate it, and narrow it down to just three places in the poem, dear.

And, I would end the poem with a period, rather than an exclamation mark. The exclaimy mark makes it sound exciting, but with a period, it will seem more grave, and continue the suspense; and we totally need to keep the suspense here.

But, on the whole, I enjoyed it, RJ. You've done a really good job here, dear. Keep it up!

June

Hey, RJ, it's Selin here!

I think you have a very exciting story in your poem. All those "I hear the whistling."s are to make that story more interesting somehow; beyond interesting, it is like a song, a dark tune tries to catch the reader! So I loved these repetitions while reading.

"It's made me a puppet."

I liked this stanza.But meanwhile, I found your story a little short. Maybe you could have written it longer, and the end of "the whistling" would have come later.

Keep going like that, it was nice to read your piece of work.
Bye for now,
Selin

The title of this poem definitely caught my eye. I can honestly say I've never come across a title such as yours. (Or that I remember... )

I think the repetition of the whistling theme was decent. I think it made a good impression at first, but I would have to agree that it got a bit monotonous after a while. Maybe if you only said "I can hear the whistling" a few times, it would be better.

The poem actually confused me a bit at first. I liked the imagery you used, such as the line "It's made me a puppet". What was the source this whistling? What happened in that cave? Maybe if you elaborated on it a smidgen more, and correct a little bit of punctuational error, it would be much improved.

I've taken your advice and axed half of the I hear the whistling's