Beep

Beep…

Slow rhythm, never changing, thank God.

Beep…

In time with the hard rasp of breath. I swear it’s getting worse.

Beep…

Please, come back.

She lies on the bed, mask over her nose and mouth, supplying her with much-needed oxygen. I can’t leave her. The hospital’s letting me stay, even long after visiting hours are over. I can’t trust her observation to somebody else.

Silvia was always the quiet one. I could remember spending hours with her, not saying a word, just sitting by each other. Now, her breath takes up the quiet moments between the beeps of her heart monitor.

Her mother’s not even here yet. Silvia only went into this state—I can’t call it a coma—yesterday. It had just been a fever before that. Nothing more.

I get up and walk over to my book bag by the door. I had brought it with me in the hopes of getting some studying done in the quiet moments. Exams start in two days, but I hadn’t counted on how much worry pushed at my brain. I hadn’t counted on how there would be no quiet moments. Not with the beep, constantly in the background. I can’t even touch the zipper before looking back at her.

We’d been roommates all year. We’d shared the same interests, a lot of the same classes—although I swear I never would have met her had we not been forced to live in the same apartment.

A nurse comes in with a full IV bag. She changes it silently, efficiently, and checks other equipment.

“Is she getting any better?” I ask. The tightness in my throat makes it hard for me to talk.

The nurse just shakes her head. “Can’t tell, really. Not yet. Do you know if she’s got any other health problems? We’ve talked to her parents but they haven’t told us much.”

I try to put my thoughts in order. “I—I know she has allergies. But they usually don’t come up this time of year.”

“Pollen?”

I can only nod. The beep is still sounding. Filling all quiet spaces. I want quiet. I was it desperately. But I don’t want that beep to stop. It can’t stop. Not while Silvia is still asleep.

The nurse says nothing more and leaves the room. Had she marked the chart? I can’t tell. Standing up, I see new ballpoint scribbles on the paper. I walk over and read them. Medical mumbo-jumbo that you need a degree to understand. Silvia would have. She wanted to get into Pre-Med next year. Would she?

The beep is louder here, by the machine. I want to sit by it. The noise changes when it’s louder. Like the TV in the background. You can ignore it when you hear the words. When you can’t it’s an annoyance. An itch you can’t scratch.

Somehow, I fall asleep. My dreams are quiet. Black. There is no constant reminder Silvia is alive. When I wake up, my shirt is damp with sweat. But I can still hear the beep. Only now… something’s different.

The spaces between the beeps are quiet. There is no ragged breathing. I listen closer and hear the soft whisper of resting breath.

I walk up to her bed cautiously. Aren’t those about to die supposed to get quiet? Or is this the calm of dawn?

Silvia’s lip twitches. Sometime in the night her mask had been replaced with a breathing tube. Her eyes open. She looked towards me. She smiles.

“Good to be back,” she rasps. “It’s good to be back.”

Hey, Rosey. I don't remember if I've ever critiqued any of your work before, but even if I have, I'm here now. ^_^ Let's see what I can do for you.

I. Little Things

She lies on the bed, mask over her nose and mouth, supplying her with much-needed oxygen.

The way I read this, 'mask over her nose and mouth' is modifying your description of her lying on the bed, so I assume that the last phrase would do the same, but it's /not/. Instead, the last phrase modifies the /mask/ phrase, which makes this all confusing because it's not parallel. If you want to keep most if it like it is, I think you should say 'She lies on the bed with a mask over her nose and mouth that supplies her with much-needed oxygen'. I know it's not as chopped up, but I think it needs to be clearer. Also, we all know that oxygen is needed. xD So I don't know that it's necessary to say 'much-needed' anyways.

I can’t trust her observation to somebody else.

The way you've phrased this makes it confusing. Can't you say 'I can't trust anyone else to watch her'?

Silvia only went into this state—I can’t call it a coma—yesterday.

Why can't the narrator call it a coma? If she couldn't, then she wouldn't even mention it. ^__^

Nothing more.

This begs elaboration. It was nothing more and NOW what is it? But instead you switch topics completely. I think you can afford to add another paragraph where the narrator talks about what it's like now. In fact, that would help with one of the big issues {see: emotion}.

Filling all quiet spaces. I want quiet. I was it desperately.

You repeat that phrase so often that it gets slightly annoying, though I know you didn't mean for it to be. Try finding different ways to say it or just changing it slightly. Like silence. If the beeping and breathing isn't quiet enough for the MC, she's certainly looking for silence. Or peace. Either way.

II. Big Things

--- Tense;

I had brought it with me in the hopes of getting some studying done in the quiet moments.

&

We’d been roommates all year. We’d shared the same interests, a lot of the same classes—

Alright, so this is written in the present tense, right? In the examples above (and possibly some other places in the story that you might have to look for yourself), I don't think you quite stick to the tense because it becomes confusing when you talk about past tense in it. I personally think that you just need to use the simple past tense in these parts, without 'had' or anything like that. 'I brought it with me', 'We were roommates', 'We shared the same'. I think that works better with the tense you have going, because then you don't skip the simple past and go to this one. I wish I knew the tense names better. xD

--- Emotion;

Okay, so this is kind of a big problem for a piece that is about this subject, but I never felt the narrator really express opinion one way or the other. Does she want her friend to come back? I don't sense any kind of desperation or even /any/ wish for that, because it's just kind of maybe assumed that that's what she wants. However, if you added just some small bits in with just small bits of emotion, it would be enough to suffice. You don't have to go over board, just put some in there.

Also, I acknowledge the fact that maybe the reminiscing was meant to be seen as tender and also to imply that she wants Silvia back, but it's really quite emotionless and doesn't really accomplish that.

Overall, this is a pretty nice piece, but it's shallow -- there's no deeper emotion running beneath the words and the fact that it's a VERY short scene without a lot of action makes it even more difficult to connect to, in my opinion. You can assume that a piece like this would make people feel emotion, simply because of the situation, but you /shouldn't/. Offer that emotion to the reader through your writing, not just their own thought. Prove to them that having a friend in a coma is scary and changes the way you think about things.

PM me if you have any questions, okay? ^_^

-Hannah-

Yo yo yo what's the haps, Rosey m'dear? Stella here!

Well, this looks interesting...

I. NITPICKS

She lies on the bed, mask over her nose and mouth, supplying her with much-needed oxygen.

I really don't like the last clause, it just bothers me- other people probably find it fine though, I'm just strange like that... We can guess it's giving her oxygen, or perhaps just say "Oxygen mask"?

The noise changes when it’s louder. Like the TV in the background. You can ignore it when you hear the words. When you can’t it’s an annoyance.

I don't understand the similie... he can hear the beeps anyway?

II. WHY?

Why is Silvia in hospital? University students who suffer nothing worse than hay fever generally wouldn't be going for just a fever unless it was really bad, and why did she have the fever in the first place?

Why couldn't her parents tell the hospital anything, and why didn't they rush to be by their daughter's side?

These are things that don't add up, you have to explain them or else give us an abnormality that would make them true. For instance, her parents live in Australia... or she has some medical condition...

III. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I'd like to see more of Silvia and of your unnamed MC. Silvia was quiet- how so? Creepy quiet, shy quiet, intelligent quiet?

And your MC... are they practical or a daydreamer? Affectionate or is this just a once-off? There isn't much to go by here... show us some more of her, of them both. Otherwise your emotion doesn't really cut, because we don't know these people. We don't know the comatose girl, we don't know the grief-ridden one either... I want more!

IV. OVERALL

It was pretty good, only I think it needs filling out with details. You have room, it's short, so go on, live on the wild side!

Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything,

-Stella x

Roooosey!

You know, I don't really do long reviews unless I really, really like something. But then, lots of times I can't find anything to say.

Slow rhythm, never changing, thank God.

It's a nitpick, but I think Thank God should be italicized? It seems different from the Slow...changing, but that's just me. And the beeps, for that matter, since they're pretty onomatopoeic.

Silvia was always the quiet one. I could remember spending hours with her, not saying a word, just sitting by each other. Now, her breath takes up the quiet moments between the beeps of her heart monitor.

Before this point, you do not mention her name. Rather, you refer to her as "she"; I personally like the usage of she more. It's making her seem more like an invalid, and using Silvia here kind of throws us off in a sense that it's a pretty "thrown-at-the-audience" intro.

I get up and walk over to my book bag by the door. I had brought it with me in the hopes of getting some studying done in the quiet moments. Exams start in two days, but I hadn’t counted on how much worry pushed at my brain. I hadn’t counted on how there would be no quiet moments. Not with the beep, constantly in the background. I can’t even touch the zipper before looking back at her.

We’d been roommates all year. We’d shared the same interests, a lot of the same classes—although I swear I never would have met her had we not been forced to live in the same apartment.

Mmm. I don't like this bit; at first I was under the impression that the narrator was the guardian of this person, and Silvia was a young child.

Filling all quiet spaces. I want quiet. I was it desperately.

Repetition. Silence instead, maybe?

Allllso, was should totally be want.


-

The ending of this seemed a bit fakish. No offense! But, she's just come out of a coma, and I know she could have come out while the MC was asleep, but! It seems like she went on a trip and she's glad to be back home.

I would expect something more like Where am I, what time is it-- those sort of questions! It's actually more common for a person who's been in a coma to question, rather than state-- it's a small nitpick, but I wanted to throw that out there.


Why is she in the coma?


Nice job on this, Rosey, you captured the setting and tone nicely. Well done.

June

Awww. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. =]

I only have a few comments for you, since I liked this a lot. The first is, why aren’t the parents there? How far away are they? If she went into the coma the day before, they’ve had well over 24 hours to get there. You can get on a plane and get almost anywhere in 24 hours. I’d suggest having her fall into the coma during the night, and the girl simply falling asleep in a nap (having been up the whole night with her fevered friend) during the late morning. Then it’ll have only been 10-15 hours – much more reasonable.

Second is the pause between her falling asleep and her waking up. There is none – not even a new paragraph! When you read this whole thing through, that really throws the reader off. Remember, the reader doesn’t sleep with the character, so you need some form of a pause in there to let us feel the time changing. Otherwise this whole piece feels extremely rushed.

Finally, the beeping. I don’t like how you have the ‘beep…’ at the beginning, because you don’t continue it. Does that mean she’s dead? Obviously not, but it looks that way. Either continue it or drop it all together.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Rosey! I figured that this would be a great story to make my first review as a purple. So here goes.

Little Things

I was it desperately.

I think you meant “want” here.

The beep is louder here, by the machine.

So something about that comma just makes me uneasy. The pause seems unnecessary but at the same time, there really isn’t anything wrong with it. To me, it feels very out of place and whenever I read it, I seem to want to stop longer then I should. Maybe it’s just me.

Dialogue

I love the dialogue here, even if there isn’t a lot. You make it flow very naturally and you let a lot of action make up for what isn’t being said, which is good. Everyone knows that actions often speak louder then words.

Emotion

I love the emotion here Rosey and the feeling is relatable. I remember when my grandmother was in the hospital when I was younger and I would only ever leave her bedside to eat or use the bathroom. The nurses eventually brought in an extra bed into the room for me while my mom would go home or to work. Whenever anyone writes something that touches a person (and not because what they’ve written is bad) then they’ve created something amazing. *slaps Rosey with a gold star*

If you have any questions or comments, you can PM them to me.

~lilymoore

Sorry, Rosey, but I completely disagree with Lily. What killed this story for me was a complete lack of emotion.
That isn't to say that this story isn't good, it totally has potential, but it could be a lot better, characterization ways. I understand this is only a flash fiction, but you don't even have an MC with a name!
I feel that it's fairly important to have a named character. Now we just have Random Person Whose Sex Is Unknown watching Silvia, a girl of a vague age... 20-ish? We don't even know what Random Person Whose Sex is Unknown's relationship to Silvia. Her boyfriend? Sister? Professor? Accountant? xD
I feel like this could be solved fairly easy. Flashbacks to show memories, stuffs like that.
The name problem could be solved easily as well...

The nurse shuffles in, scrubs rustling. "Mr. Johnson?"
"Yes?"
"Does your wife has any problems we should know about?"

Or something to that extent.
Just putting in those few words teaches us his...
--sex
--relationship to his wife
--name

All of a sudden, I might actually care about Mr. MC! Especially if I have flashbacks, or instances where his love for Silvia is expressed.

A lot of people can be in comas. A lot of their loved ones are worried. Right now, Mr. MC is just another loved one in away. His ramblings aren't particularly original... I feel as though I've read them before...

*feels mean*
This was quite good, really. It's a flash fiction, so you have a lot of room for experimentation. That's the beauty of flash, in my opinion. This could be a good chance for you to experience writing from the point of a character who is in unimaginable grief.

Hope this helps,
Antigone

Hey Rosey! Here reviewing for Task 2 of the Instructor Competition!

This is a good piece, and I think it has the potential to be pretty great (I bet people hear that all the time... bit repetitive, eh?). All you need is more emotion, as people have said above.

Your first six lines, I like. But then, you don't tie those emotional tidbits with the start of the story. The story goes from starting off - somewhat - emotional and caring to a more stiff introductory. The narrator doesn't want the beeping to stop... why? Obviously because usually people don't want others to die... but what's the significance of the relationship between Silvia and the other person?

Of, and there's a mask over her face.. what does her face look like? Are there scars in which this narrator remember happening? ..Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe the narrator doesn't know this Silvia to THAT extent, but still... I think you need more description and imagery,

Also, do a bit of research on a coma. How does one get into one? What are the overall symptoms? There are tons of ways to slip into a coma, but which one do you choose? And what would you like Silvia's symptoms to be?

Here's something else:

Her mother’s not even here yet.(/quote]

Why wasn't her mother there? Lack of caring in their household? Stuck in traffic? I think that fact is very important, but it's too vague. Plus... it contradicts a bit with this next line:

We’ve talked to her parents but they haven’t told us much.

You first only said mother, and did not include a father. So why is there now a set of parents instead of just a mother? Is that something significant? I don't think so.. maybe just a bit of a lost thought/typo.

Overall, I think this is a good piece. You have the great building blocks of such a piece, and I think you're capable of doing so. Just like everyone's said though, you need more emotion! Make me feel what the narrator is feeling.. whoever that may be.. ^_^ And just re-read the thing. Re-write it, leave it alone, tear it to shreds.. whatever you have to do to make it even better, do it.

Oh, and one last thing. I promise!

“Good to be back,” she rasps. “It’s good to be back.”

For an ending of the story, I really didn't like it. She just came out of a coma, and that's a bit cliche for her to hear that. I like that you put 'rasps' in there. Fits her condition. And that's important, her condition. Just keep that in mind.

Okay! I'm done. Good job Rosey, and I hope this helps!

-Silver