Here where he will meet me

Here, beyond the meadows green,
Beyond the beauteous castles preened;
Above the magic light of stars,
Beyond the garish light of Mars;
Here he said he’ll meet me.

Here, upon the ransacked farms,
Here amongst the darkly harms;
Among the shadows wild and foul,
Among the beasts that grunt and growl;
Here he said he’ll meet me.

Minutes pass and hours crawl,
Winter, summer, spring then fall;
Daytime, nighttime, twilight, dusk,
But I will wait ‘til I am dust
For here he said he’ll meet me.

Here I am in wedding gown,
Pampered, polished, feathered down;
Waiting, waiting, counting on,
Still I wait, though light is gone
Here where he will meet me.

Here heart and life will bind and glue,
Entangle heartstrings, I and you;
Vows will mix with kisses, smiles,
For you shall come in just a while
Here where you will meet me.

Time walked past, the light is gone,
Slowly, slowly, tears will run;
Though I look to far and near,
You shall never come, I fear
And never shall you meet me.

Hey there. =] I'm Hannah~ I caught this on the front page and it interested me, but after reading through it, I can't help but feel a little let down. There are two /big/ things I noticed and I'm going to explain these to you and then let you try to rework this poem if you so desire.

--- Beginnings;

One thing I noticed is the lack of consistency in the beginning of the individual lines. It could just be me and my personal taste, but I think this poem would definitely be cooler if you could bring some sort of pattern to the beginnings. Either have them /all/ different every time, have them alternate between two every time, have them all begin with the same thing every time except for the first and the last. You know, something like that. Because going from alternating (beyond, above, beyond) to all different (minutes, winter, daytime, but, for) doesn't let the reader get a hold of the structure when they expect to because of the good meter and rhythm.

That's a good thing about this poem, actually: you know how to handle rhyming and meter. I never noticed a place where the meter was off and though some of the rhymes seemed slightly forced, they were good for the most part.

--- Concept;

The other thing I had a problem with was the concept of the poem. I wanted something more original. There are countless stories of waiting, expecting, and being disappointed in the end. Because of this, there's really no meat to the poem. All you're doing is describing this common scenario and I haven't found any unique lines in it to hold on to. Try bringing out imagery, metaphor, or anything to bring it away from just description on top of a shallow plot.

Also, try to decide on one tense to keep the poem in. Going from present to past tense because of the change in the situation or from a detached narrative to speaking to the object of the poem -- both of these inconsistencies take away from the base of the poem. Try picking just ONE point in time to describe from and delve into the emotions of that, rather than trying to cover everything.

PM me if you have questions, okay? I don't know if I said what I meant clearly enough. xP

-Hannah-

Hi, it's Selin here!

First, I need to say that I really liked your poem. Especially the theme and the way you express it. Your descriptions were quite tasteful for me, maybe you can strengthen them.

With the rhyme of the last lines of the stanzas, you put your poem into a melody and that was a part I loved much. But the end of the last stanza doesn't make me feel that melody when compared to others, maybe you should work on it again:)

My favourite part in this lovely piece of work is;

"...Entangle heartstrings, I and you;
Vows will mix with kisses, smiles,
For you shall come in just a while..."

Here, I found a secret misery; you wait and hope for him, still, but actually you know he's not coming. That unnamed disappointment is I think the strongest part of your poem.

Keep going that way, bye for now!

Selin

Hey Angel! June here!

Most of what I would have mentioned has been said by Hannah, so for the sake of not being repetitive, I'll just say I concur Hannah and move on.

But, honestly, I love your poetry. You use a lot of rhyme, but it makes sense most of the time, and flows nice and evenly. It's always enjoyable to read, Angel.

My favorite part here is the first two stanzas. They are beautiful, excellently written, although one could argue that they could stand a bit of improvement (;)). I think they're wonderful.

Keep writing, Angel, and keep revising. You have a wonderful talent for rhyming love poems that are not boring to read.

June

i think this is really good and i enjoy the expression and the discription. i think that the last four stanzas are great. absolutly amazing. it flows perfectly and it just sounds great overall. however the first two stanzas didn't make to much sence at first . but you need to keep the concistancy with the last lines in each stanza

Heya Angel!
Here's your overall review:

Flow
Your flow is predominantly even, even thought there are some spots where it should be arranged. The thing is, when I read this it sounds like a chant, with stops everywhere. I'm not sure why.

Rhyming
Your rhyming is delightful, except on some spots where it sounds a bit forced, but mostly very well fit in.

Emotion
Here is where I think it lacks the most. Until the last stanza, I couldn't feel anything. You were just telling us where he would meet you (or you poetic self). That was what bothered me the most, I think.

Description
But then again, your description was wonderful! Inspiring, I could see all the places you were describing, so good job on that.

Grammar and punctuation
No grammar mistakes. Just a few commas and capitalization's I would advise you to revise.

Another hing I didn't like much, was when you changed from "...where he will meet me..." to "...where you will meet me..."

Sorry for the short review. Good luck!
*Kat*