just gold.

x

Hi, Hannah.

tears bubble out between the earth

I got a feeling that "bubble out" was slightly too dramatic for this. You know, it was a bit like "fairiesponiespinkcupcakesmagicDEATHglitterflowersroseslove". A lousy example, but I just mean to say that it was a bit in-your-face, at least at the first read. It's somehow pretty, though.

i will see you again. i don't know when.

I would like a comma rather than a period between these two. It makes it less choppy and sounds better anyway. Also, pleeease capitalize those I's, because, well, I don't know whether you were reaching for an artistic atmosphere by leaving them lowercase or whether your shift key just stopped working (in what case this might be difficult to fix), but it's just not right and I can't watch them. :/

)."

Woah, there is quite a lot of traffic on the punctuation road (whaa?). Excuse my bad, bad metaphor, but I'm not sure if I should even think about liking them. Also, it seems a bit funny that you have parenthesis inside a quote, and actually, I've never been a big fan of parenthesis in poems. (The song of the Sorting Hat will be excused, though.) So yeah, I'm not really giving you any suggestions what to do about them, I'm just telling what I think of them, even though that probably helps you less. Sorry about that.

lit by headlights of strangers, unashamed of the noises

around us,

i willed physics to hold back a moment in a bubble of time,

You used both the words "lit" and "bubble" in the previous stanza, and even though my memory is short, it's not short enough to forget about that, so it was disturbing me a little. Maybe it was intentional, but it's still disturbing to me.

and the place our cat hides

I kind of love this. At first it struck to me as a bit weird, haha, but then after a little bit of introspection I fell in love with it.


All in all, the poem was beautiful, except for the lowercase I's. The great and annoying thing about poetry is that I'll never come to understand it fully, no matter how much I want to. And what's irritating me very much is that I haven't got anything clever or poeticwise to say about this, though I'd like to share my secret theories about it and be the best poetry reviewer ever, but I'm not able to do it and it's sad. Practice will probably make almost perfect, though.

Thanks for the read.


Demeter
xxx

Hey Han-chan!

we never clung so tight as that night,

I think you should get rid of the 'as' because it doesn't make sense but then the rhythm is completely thrown off.

I'd reword that sentence, maybe:

that night we clung so tight-
but that night was not yet the last and still in the darkness,
lit by headlights of strangers-unashamed of the noises
around us,

i willed physics to hold back a moment in a bubble of time,
that we might slip together. because cloth on cloth
was just not close enough.

I like these three lines.

And the last stanza was simply breathtaking! This poem was beautiful, and what I mostly liked about it was the emotions that were portrayed. Memories of love and heartbreak.

I am sorry if this critique wasn't of any help.

Keep writing beautiful poetry,

~Angel

*gold star*

Hannah --

Decided you should top me, huh? Kylan can't do it right, so I'll just do it better. Just kidding. I'm really glad I kindasorta inspired (willed) you to write something. It's the finest compliment you could pay me, because when I read literature, I judge it's worth by how much it inspires me. If I write some kind of response to a piece of literature, it means it was stuck in my head, and I couldn't get it out.

Anyway, the poem. Why did you post it in lyric poetry, out of curiousity?

This is fantastic, as all you poetry is. Although something about it doesn't ring the same way some of your other stuff has. Some of the images are a little blurry, and the poem's alignment seems kind of off: it doesn't balance very well... This is difficult to explain, because it's more of an impression, than a flaw. Maybe it's that you put too much emphasis on the willow tree, and not enough on the actual subjects of your poem. The willow tree feels like setting description to me, not necessarily a larger metaphor... Okay, maybe a little bit. A metaphor for you and your sorrow and your waiting in the same place. Okay. Maybe it's that you didn't balance the metaphor with the guts of the poem. I think maybe you should stick to the willow tree, or somehow balance the "screen time" of the metaphor and the guts of the poem. Haha, you can see I'm clutching at straws here. It's because the poem's already perfect the way it is...

I noticed you used the word "bubble" twice in the poem. I don't particularly like that word...Are you trying to say something by repeating it, or was it's repetition just an oversight?

because cloth on cloth

Something is awkward about this. I guess I don't like how you worded this concept. It doesn't bring the right images up.

(a pavement unlike the airplane runway, mind you:
far away from the taste of plastic-sealed tray-food
and movies in the seat in front of me. these memories where
you are not there)

As much as I know this is necessary, I'm not sure I liked how you executed this idea either. It's a little too stream of consciousness for me. It seems a little contrived...like you knew you had to fit in somewhere the fact that he was going to leave, and so you stuck your foot in the first opening you saw. It's just a little graceless. Keep in mind though, with this critique, I'm being extremely nitpicky. This poem would probably remain just peachy without any editations.

Favorite line:

i will be your reception and wrap you in my branches)."

This line made me smile, because I saw a little yellow in it:

the vines of honeysuckle

Keep up the good work,

-Kylan

hey hannah this is good. but i am not quite sure what you are talking about what do you mean by "the willow will grow to be weeping" and "listin i will be here for you and i will see you again" is this diolog. and when you say " one day the sun will subside and the clouds will be lit with gold absent with the spectrum of color i will reception and wrap you in my branches" that dosn't make any sence

ETA on 7/28/09: Okay, after I had time to sit down and really work through it, I present my revised review/critique.

Hello, Hannah~ I'm happy to review and critique this work of yours.

There are things I like about the poem and things I'm not too crazy about, which make the poem stand out to me in good and not-so-good ways. The "voice" of the poem is very rich and developed, and while "the voice" speaks with confidence there's something nostalgic and almost sad about what's being said. For example, having the poem start off with a weeping willow is indicative of this nostalgia and strength through remembering, I think.

Now for the things that stood out. There were a few times when I thought the chosen words or descriptions clashed a little with the flow of the poem--like these two instances:

"i willed physics to hold back a moment in a bubble of time"

"(a pavement unlike the airplane runway, mind you:
far away from the taste of plastic-sealed tray-food
and movies in the seat in front of me. these memories where
you are not there) "

I remember having to pause when I got to "physics" being mentioned because it's such a hard, scientific word--nothing flowery or poetic about it, IMO. The language used in this poem previously was all very delicate or distinctly beautiful, and physics throws the reader out of it completely. While in later readings of the poem I found that the word grew on me I'm not sure if you want a person to walk away feeling a little iffy about your work from an initial reading. Unfortunately some people don't give poetry a second read, so to have them walk away with this first impression might be the only impression they have of your work.

I'm wondering at your use of the word physics--could another word or term fit in there? What about the word and meaning of physics made you choose it? If possible, I'd recommend putting another word in there or even a name if you want to be spiritual about it. The world, Fate/The Fates, God, etc. can all fit in place of physics and it doesn't stand out as much as before. If there's a specific reason you chose the word physics, I would recommend tweaking the sentence around here and there until it works for you.

While I'm focusing on that sentence, the rhythm of the line seems to fall out of step.

"hold back a moment in a bubble of time"

I think this could be tightened up, shortened:

"hold back this bubble of time"

"hold back this moment in time"

.. can both be suitable replacements and, though shortened, not only keep the imagery of the original line but the beat of the poem doesn't lose its pace. Sometimes the more to the point you are in a poem, the better--even if you sacrifice descriptions for it.

As for the airplane/runway metaphor... I like it and I don't like it. I see what you were going for with it, and I really like the images it inspired me to think after reading it, but I'm not sure I like how it was executed. It seems really jarring and throws the reader off while the poem itself is wrapping up, and that sort of takes the "oomph" out of the last line. We're still trying to figure out the runway/airplane thing while we're at the end. I think you could also tighten and shorten up that passage, keeping the message you want to convey but not going off too far from the poem where it's like an interruption instead of an addition:

"a pavement unlike the airplane runway, mind you:
these memories where you are not there"

This is just one example and of course you don't have to take it, but while I really like the mention of movies on chairs and plastic trays of food, in the end I think it hurts your poem more than it helps it. If it's any consolation I'd recommend keeping the "memories where you are not there" line in, if only because the whole theme of this poem definitely seems to be about memories and remembering. I think if you play around with those two lines a little more something may come up that will be a perfect combination for the poem's finale.

I think you did a very nice job with this poem, and it surprised me upon repeated readings; the poem almost grows and enriches itself the more I read it. Good luck to you on future writings and I hope you have fun :)

Hey Hannah!

So, I really like the poem, as I read it I could slowly see willow trees in my mind and the wind blowing them around. Really beautiful.

First of all, I like the flow of it, how it tells the story of both the willow and yourself. Espcially here:

if the willow trees in my backyard, the lullabies
they wove between the nests of the blackbirds and the vines
of honeysuckle (mine and yours) and the place our cat hides --
if all our memories could build a dome
as thick as the pavement we stand on

Second of all, I don't think you have to use the, uh.. these things (D) (I don't know what they're called ) I think instead of using them I think you could just use commas instead like this:

of honeysuckle, mine and yours, and the place our cat hides --

I think it would look better. Just a thought.

Other than that, I really liked it! It was very beautiful

-Irish

This was absolutely gorgeous. I have next to no criticism, except for this line, "(one day, when the sun subsides and the clouds are lit/ with a gold, absent of the spectrum of color." That second line is a bit confusing to me, and it sort of interrupted the flow of the poem.

But other than that, I LOVE IT. Beautiful, beautiful imagery, and the rhythm of the poem is perfect. Congratulations - gold star for you.

Hey Hannah, Irish, Mazo and I have ended up reviewing the same piece of yours, lolz. Once again, I really really thank you for making me a part of your wonderful team. OUR wonderful team.

Right, time to critique! Well, to tell you the truth, I don't have much criticism. It's all mostly appreciation. Because, basically, in one word, Just Gold was "Beautiful!" Wow, you're a really talented poem, and this was one of those works, which keep you starving for more . It really touched me and the description was wonderful. And I have to say you have the touch of a natural, because who else could have ended it with "Maybe I could smile again"?

My personal favourite was "i will be your reception and wrap you in my branches)." Woo-hoo.
But maybe you COULD have done without the brackets, yes, I agree with Irish on that.

i willed physics to hold back a moment in a bubble of time,

That was cool. Really, that line touched my heart as well. Just Gold has to be the most effective poem I've read in YWS so far!

Happy Poetry Writing.
P.S. The literal meaning of my name is poetry

Honestly, I really don't know how people are able to critique this.
This is probably the most beautiful piece I've read from this site, and each image was pretty much perfectly formed in my head. You have that talent to convey emotions and feelings, sometimes even memories, in your writing instead of words.

This was a fantastic piece- made me feel totally incompetent in the world of poetry and everything, but it was just gorgeous. Excellent job.

-Coral-

I really really REALLY enjoyed reading this poem. It was so comforting to read. It reminded me of a mother singing to her child; so beautiful. I loved the line about, "ringing nightime," it sounds so cool and summer night-like. One of the most beautiful things I've read, every line was fresh and lovely. I look forward to reading more from you!