Trains

Trains just come and go:
they are leaving no mark,
they are leaving no stains,
trains follow the dark.

And their road is fake:
if they break that cage
great trouble they'll make-
they will end their age.

They just don't exist,
they come, stop and go;
on their travels list
they are still John Doe.

No one remembers
the life they have led;
trains are just members
of dismembered dead.

Hey darko.

I haven't seen you around the site much lately. Anyway, on to the review.

darko.demark666 wrote:They come and go - trains:
[s]with[/s] leaving no mark,
[s]with[/s] leaving no stains,
they follow the dark. The "with" makes it grammatically incorrect.

And their road is fake:
if they break that cageI love this line, or actually the first line and this. It's just cool how you put trains into a cage. They're moving but still they are forced to follow a path. Awesome lines.
great trouble they'll make-
they will end their sage. sage seems out of place. Perhaps "age" would be a better word?

They just don't exist,
they come, stop and go;
on their travels list
they are still John Doe. This is the most interesting stanza for me. It makes trains sound so lonely.

No one remembers
the life they have lead,
trains are just members
of dismembered dead. Good ending.

This was quite a good poem. Although I feel that it's a little too vague. Like I wouldn't know that you meant a train by all these descriptions unless the title said so. Make the train appear more in the poem, I suppose. You don't have to mention it but perhaps you can use some metaphors and decriptions that depict a train. Like destinations, stations, tracks... Stuff like that. Anyway, as I said, a good poem but it can be improved into a better one.

Good luck. Keep Writing.


--Knightly

Darko! Juniper here!

Okay, so, to start, I'm going to be mean (:P) and say that this is by far not one of your best poems.

To be honest, I think a lot of these words could be cut, such as:

trains,

they come and go

[s]with leaving[/s]]leave no mark,

[s]with leaving[/s] leave no stains,

[s]they[/s]and follow the dark.

But, even still, the repetition in the two middle lines is bothersome.

Moreover! I think that the main problem with this poem is that you are pushing the rhyme too, too hard, and you're not giving us much else. You're dwelling on one spot too long, adding something that's not-so-important just to achieve rhyme, and it's ruining your poem, dear.


It's hard to suggest a remedy for this, but to start, I think you should try to have ideas that you want to convey, and fit those into rhyming lines without the usage of deadwood, dear.

Hope that helped some? Good luck writing.

June

Don't you just hate it when a stranger points out every little detail in your writing they think should be changed, then say, "Good job, keep writing! "

Ha, ha. Don't worry... I'm not one of those people.

darko.demark666 wrote:They come and go - trains:
with leaving no mark,
with leaving no stains,
they follow the dark.

I like the hyphen before "trains"; it creates a dramatic pause.

"With leaving" doesn't sound quite right; consider a different word or eliminate "with" completely.
And forget what Juniper said- repetition is a wonderful artistic tool and you used it well.

darko.demark666 wrote:And their road is fake:
if they break that cage
great trouble they'll make-
they will end their sage.

Not sure of the meaning behind the word "sage" here.

As a general piece of advice:
If the structure you choose for your poem confines you, abandon it. (No, I don't mean you should adopt a different rhyme scheme halfway through a poem, but if something just doesn't work, consider another pattern of simply drop the rhyme all together.)

If you really want to keep this ABAB pattern, perhaps a creative, slant rhyme is the solution. (Example: "face" & "haze" kinda rhyme with "cage"...) Or maybe the word "stage" could be used, given you adjust the final line of the stanza.

darko.demark666 wrote:They just don't exist,
they come, stop and go;
on their travels list
they are still John Doe.

I'm not sure, but a hyphen might suit your porpuses better after "exist." I love the "come, stop, go" bit. It's almost mother goosey, but in the best way possible.
The words "travels list"... should "travels" be possessive, with an apostrophe?

darko.demark666 wrote:No one remembers
the life they have lead,
trains are just members
of dismembered dead.

A very strong ending. It absolutely slams the door closed on this topic ("That's all folks!!"). Nice work.

I'm quite sure you mean "led" (the past tense of "lead"), not "lead" (the element represented by the initials Pb on the periodic table. At least... I think those are lead's initials. LOL).

On an entirely different note, your avatar is the best. Love it.

PEACE OUT.
BAB

Hey what gave you the inspiration, very unique and unexpected from a poem

gathering that you take an interest in trains?


yet whenever anyone writes something, it always has to contain something to do with death! why?

It wasn't really neciasarry, but it was an inspiring piece and I enjoyed reading it

very good. i like the fact that it's unique

well done

good luck