Currently Untitled(1)

Spurts of water sprayed out of Viktor's mouth as he stared at the TV, heart hammering, eyes wide. He thought there would be good news when Jake called him to tell about his dad being on the news. Jake had sounded nervous during that call, not exactly sure what to say. Viktor might have imagined it, but he thought Jake was about to cry, which tough Jake, of course, never did. Maybe Jake didn't want to tell him...
“The Police believe John Aston was killed by one of his ex-employees. The layoff Aston Automobiles just made was a big one, around 20,000 jobs were lost worldwide,” said the reporter on the TV screen.
“John Aston was forty-two at the time.” said a short man beside the reporter.
Viktor was trembling all over, trying not to pass out from the shock that had been gripping him so tightly. His father had been the support in the family, his mother a housewife. Without Viktor's dad, they wouldn't have much to support themselves. With all the debt they had accumulated, to paying it back would be nearly impossible. “Mum?”
His mom placed her oven mitt on the counter and walked up to him. “Yes, honey?” she said in her thick, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind Viktor's ear. Viktor flinched.
“Mum!” Viktor managed to point his hand at the TV screen.
His mother sat down next to Viktor on the velvet couch. “What happened?” she asked and smiled. “Did you win--”
“No Mum, I didn't win anything.” Viktor's voice sounded as if it might have cracked any moment. He was trying hard to fight back the tears, fighting to swallow the lump in his throat.
“He has a eleven year old son and a wife. Do they know?” Asked the short man.
But before he could respond, a worker handed a note to the reporter. The reporter gasped.
“No, were about to tell them.” said the reporter, “but they're in for quite a shock. “It has come to light that the assassin's name is Michael Kington, one of John Aston's former employees. The crime took place in his office, as John Aston was just leaving to go home.” The television showed an image of a typical man you'd find on the street. Under his dark, pinstriped tuxedo, the blonde haired wore a plain white shirt and and a red tie. At the bottom of the picture was a the name 'Michael Kington.'
Viktor gulped, remembering all the gifts Michael had given to him when he was a small child. All the dinner parties, all the luncheons they went with him to. But after he got layed off, Viktor had never seen him enter the house again. But that, of course, was expected behavior, Viktor thought. But was murder?
“Mr. Kington is forty as well. We were told he lives with his wife, Julia Kington, and five children; Denise, Leah, Johnny, Kaila and William Kington. Ages fifteen, twelve, ten, seven and two.”
“Michael got layed off?” said the short man. “He one of Mr. Aston's friends, am I correct?”
“Oh yes, but a very close friend, indeed.” The reporter smiled weakly, “He was his first friend. They had known each other since they were just children.”
Viktor heard sobbing in the background. His mother leaned back on the couch and broke into tears.
“Why he of all people got layed off, never, most likely, will be known.”
“Maybe,” the short man said, “they got into a fight?”
“Maybe, maybe. Mr. Aston was known to have a hot temper.”
Viktor blinked, letting it all sink in. For a moment, he felt as if he was about to cry, but controlled himself. His breath grew faster and faster, he glared at the reporter and the short man and yelled, “How dare you talk about my father like that!”
He stomped over to the TV screen, with the intent to smash it to bits. He glanced at his mom, he couldn't do it in front of her. But now he could. Because Cecilia Aston was laying unconscious on the couch. Viktor went pale. His dad, then something wrong with his mom. His sadness was now almost unbearable. He kneeled to the floor and cried
[spoiler]Spurts of water sprayed out of Viktor's mouth as he stared at the TV, heart hammering, eyes wide. He thought there would be good news when Jake called him to tell about his dad being on the news. Jake had sounded nervous during that call, not exactly sure what to say. Viktor might have imagined it, but he thought Jake was about to cry, which tough Jake, of course, never did. Maybe Jake didn't want to tell him...
“The Police believe John Aston was killed by one of his ex-employees. The layoff Aston Automobiles just made was a big one, around 20,000 jobs were lost worldwide.” said the reporter on the TV screen.
“John Aston was 42 during the crime.” said a short man beside the reporter.
Viktor was trembling all over, trying not to pass out from the pain that had been gripping him so tightly. His father had been the support in the family, his mother a housewife. Without him, they wouldn't have much to support themselves. With all the money they owed, when payed they would barely have anything left. “Mum?”
His mom placed her oven mitt on the counter and walked up to him. “Yes, honey?” she said in her thick German-English accent, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind Viktor's ear. Viktor flinched.
“Mum!” Viktor managed to point his hand at the TV screen.
His mother sat down next to Viktor on the velvet couch. “What happened?” she asked. She smiled. “Did you,” she started eagerly, “did you win--”
“No Mom, I didn't win anything.” Viktor's voice sounded as if it might have cracked any moment. He was trying hard to fight back the tears, fighting to swallow the lump in his throat.
“He has a eleven year old son and a wife. Do they know?” Asked the short man.
But before he could respond, a worker handed a note to the reporter. The reporter gasped.
“No, were about to tell him.” said the reporter, “but they're in for quite a shock. “It has come to light that the assassin's name is Michael Kington, one of John Aston's former employees. The crime took place in his office, as John Aston was just leaving to go home.” The camera showed an image of a typical man you'd find on the street. At the bottom of the picture was a the name 'Michael Aston.'
Viktor gulped, remembering all the gifts Michael had given to him when he was a small child. All the dinner parties, all the luncheons they went with him to. But after he got layed off, Viktor had never seen him enter the house again. But that, of course, was expected behavior, Viktor thought. But was murder?
“Michael Kington is 42 as well. We were told he lives with his wife, Julia Kington, and five children; Denise, Leah, Johnny, Kaila and William Kington. Ages fifteen, twelve, ten, seven and two.”
“Michael got layed off?” said the short man. “He one of Mr. Aston's friends, am I correct?”
“Oh yes, more than just a friend.” The reporter smiled weakly, “He was his first friend. They had known each other since they were just children.”
Viktor heard sobbing in the background. His mother leaned back on the couch and broke into tears.
“Why he of all people got layed off, never, most likely, will be known.”
“Maybe,” the short man said, “they got into a fight?”
“Maybe, maybe. Mr. Aston was known to have a hot temper.”
Viktor blinked, trying to sink it all in. For a moment, he felt as if he was about to cry, but controlled himself. His breath grew faster and faster, he glared at the reporter and the short man and yelled, “How dare you talk about my father like that!”
He stomped over to the TV screen, with the intent to smash it to bits. He glanced at his mom, he couldn't do it in front of her. But now he could. Because Cecilia Aston was laying unconscious on the couch. Viktor went pale. His dad, then something wrong with his mom. His sadness was now almost unbearable. He kneeled to the floor and cried. [/spoiler]
[spoiler]Spurts of water gushed out of Viktor's mouth as he stared at the TV, heart hammering, eyes wide. He thought there would be good news when Jake called him to tell about his dad being on the news.
“The Police believe Mr. Aston was killed by one of his employees. We all know about the big layoff he just made.” said the reporter on the TV screen.
Viktor was trembling all over, trying not to pass out from the anger that had been gripping him so tightly. “Mom?”
His mom placed her oven mitt on the counter and walked up to him. “Yes, honey?” she said in her thick German-English accent, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind Viktor's ear. Viktor flinched.
“Mom! Watch the TV. Look at the screen!”
His mother sat down next to Viktor on the velvet couch. “What happened?” she asked. She smiled. “Did you,” she started eagerly, “did you win--”
“No Mom, I didn't win anything.” Viktor's voice sounded as if it might have cracked any moment. He was trying hard to fight back the tears, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Does his family know?” Asked a short man standing next to the reporter on the screen.
A worker handed a note to the reporter. The reporter gasped.
“No,” said the reporter, “but they're in for quite a shock. The assassin, who was not very important to the company, Michael Kington.”
Viktor gulped, remembering all the gifts Michael had given to him when he was a small child. All the dinner parties, all the luncheons. But after he got layed off, Viktor had never seen him enter the house again. But that, of course, was expected behavior, Viktor thought. But was murder?
“Michael got layed off?” said the short man. “Wasn't he one of Mr. Aston's friends?”
“Oh yes, more than just a friend.” The reporter smiled, “He was his first friend. They had known each other since they were just children.”
“Why he of all people got layed off, we probably won't ever know.”
“Maybe,” the short man said, “they got into a fight?”
“Maybe, maybe. Mr. Aston was known to have a hot temper.”
Viktor's breath grew faster and faster, he glared at the reporter and the short man and yelled, “How dare you talk about my father like that!”
He stomped over to the TV screen, with the intent to smash it to bits. He glanced at his mom, he couldn't do it in front of her. But he could. Because Cecilia Aston was laying unconscious on the couch, her eyes open, though rolled back. Viktor went pale. “Mom!” he wailed.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]Spurts of water sprayed out of Viktor's mouth as he stared at the TV, heart hammering, eyes wide. He thought there would be good news when Jake called him to tell about his dad being on the news.
“The Police believe Mr. Aston was killed by one of his employees. We all know about the big layoff he just made.” said the reporter on the TV screen.
Viktor was trembling all over, trying not to pass out from the pain that had been gripping him so tightly. “Mom?”
His mom placed her oven mitt on the counter and walked up to him. “Yes, honey?” she said in her thick German-English accent, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind Viktor's ear. Viktor flinched.
“Mom! Look at the screen.”
His mother sat down next to Viktor on the velvet couch. “What happened?” she asked. She smiled. “Did you,” she started eagerly, “did you win--”
“No Mom, I didn't win anything.” Viktor's voice sounded as if it might have cracked any moment. He was trying hard to fight back the tears, fighting to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Does his family know?” Asked a short man standing next to the reporter on the screen.
But before he could respond, a worker handed a note to the reporter. The reporter gasped.
“No,” said the reporter, “but they're in for quite a shock. “It has come to light that the assassin's name is Michael Kington, one of Mr. Aston's former employees. ”
Viktor gulped, remembering all the gifts Michael had given to him when he was a small child. All the dinner parties, all the luncheons they went with him to. But after he got layed off, Viktor had never seen him enter the house again. But that, of course, was expected behavior, Viktor thought. But was murder?
“Michael got layed off?” said the short man. “Wasn't he one of Mr. Aston's friends?”
“Oh yes, more than just a friend.” The reporter smiled, “He was his first friend. They had known each other since they were just children.”
“Why he of all people got layed off, never, most likely, will be known.”
“Maybe,” the short man said, “they got into a fight?”
“Maybe, maybe. Mr. Aston was known to have a hot temper.”
Viktor's breath grew faster and faster, he glared at the reporter and the short man and yelled, “How dare you talk about my father like that!”
He stomped over to the TV screen, with the intent to smash it to bits. He glanced at his mom, he couldn't do it in front of her. But now he could. Because Cecilia Aston was laying unconscious on the couch, her eyes open, though rolled back. Viktor went pale. “Mom!” [/spoiler]

Hello Vivacious!

Here to do your review...

Spurts of water gushed out of Viktor's mouth as he stared at the TV, heart hammering, eyes wide

.

I was very confused by this. I'm assuming you were trying to show that he was drinking water and was surprised? Because it kind of reads like water just randomly came out of nowhere. Also, spurts don't really gush... they sort of spray.

We all know about the big layoff he just made,” said the reporter on the TV screen.

Viktor was trembling all over, trying not to pass out from the anger that had been gripping him so tightly.

*Hums* Eh...I don't think anger would be the first emotion that you would usually feel in that sort of situation...but Viktor's reactions are up to you.

“Yes, honey?” she said in her thick German-English accent,

This might be one of those things that's better shown, than told. Maybe you could write out her accent and then have another character later discuss her accent or something.

“Mom! Watch the TV. Look at the screen!”

*Raises a brow* Is that how you talk to your mom? I think her intelligence might be a wee bit insulted. Maybe you could say, "Mom! Look! The TV..."

His mother sat down next to Viktor on the velvet couch. “What happened?” she asked and smiled. [s]She smiled.[/s] “Did you[s],” she started eagerly, “did you[/s] win--”

“No, Mom, I didn't win anything.”

Viktor's voice sounded as if it might [s]have[/s] crack[s]ed[/s] any moment

.

He was trying hard to fight back the tears, [s]trying[/s] to swallow the lump in his throat.

Don't need to repeat the same verb.

“Does his family know?” Asked a short man standing next to the reporter on the screen.

A worker handed a note to the reporter. The reporter gasped.

You need to insert something like, "But before he could respond he was handed..." type thing here. Otherwise the timing would be off.

The assassin, who was not very important to the company, Michael Kington.”

This doesn't really come across as something a reporter would say...Maybe something like, "It has come to light that the assassin's name is Michael Kington, one of Mr. Aston's former employees."

Viktor gulped, remembering all the gifts Michael had given to him when he was a small child. All the dinner parties, all the luncheons.

He gave him luncheons? I'm guessing that's not what you meant. I'd rephrase.

“Oh yes, more than just a friend.” The reporter smiled, “He was his first friend. They had known each other since they were just children.”

Ahh, the plot thickens.

“Why he of all people got layed off,

we probably won't ever know.”

Will probably never be known?

But he could.

Ehh...kind of odd. Maybe you could say that thoughts of destroying the tv were lost when he say his mom unconscious.

Viktor went pale. “Mom!” [s]he wailed.[/s]

Okay, so this feels like there's a scene missing. It's kind of like jumping in in the middle of a movie and you don't quite know what's going on, or who the characters are. So, what I recommend, would be fixing that. Flesh out Viktor, his reactions don't exactly seem natural and his mom was kind of forgotten until the end. Otherwise the premise seems really interesting and you're writing is consistent as far as tense etc. I'd say, continue! Good luck!

-Maggie

Hey Vivi. ^_^ Here as requested.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I really enjoyed this. I found it rather rushed, jumping from idea to idea without pausing long enough to explain any of them enough. Viktor's reaction seems a little odd and unnatural; why would he be immediately angry when he just realized his father had been murdered? I would think all-consuming sadness, most likely denial and disbelief, maybe a numb, out-of-body experience kind of thing. But I'd expect the anger to come later. And, the strangest part, he doesn't even seem angry at Michael the murderer-- the way you have it here, it's like he's more angry at the reporters.

“The Police believe Mr. Aston was killed by one of his employees. We all know about the big layoff he just made.” said the reporter on the TV screen.

This is a bit informal for a news report. In the circumstance of murder, newscasters tend to be very fact-oriented and impersonal. I'd expect the report to include Mr. Aston's first name and his age, as well as what his business was. Then the reporter would mention the family he's leaving behind, and Michael the murderer's name, age, and family as well. They'd mention the scene of the crime as such.

They wouldn't, however, say something like 'we all know about'. That's too casual for a murder.

In fact, I'm terribly sorry, love, but the whole news report is unrealistic. These reporters are talking about the murder far too conversationally, and even smiling! Normally newscasters never smile during murder reports. It makes them seem cruel, and news reports spend all their time on the cold hard facts, not on opinions and background information about the relationship between the men.

When his Mom becomes unconscious, that scene seems very planned out and melodramatic-- her eyes rolling in the back of her head, and such. I found myself not believing Viktor and Cecelia's pain at all, dear. Try to focus more on Viktor's emotions, and what;s running through his head as he sees this report. His father is /dead/. That's enough to leave a child speechless, numb with pain, blank and frozen. And the mother would probably not faint, although that's up to you.

You mention Jake, but he doesn't reappear. It seems horribly cruel of him to tell Viktor that his dad was on TV, and have it turn out that his murder story is the thing being televised. Try and tap into this cruelty-- how does Viktor feel about that? Surely he must feel like Jake has betrayed him, or thrown him under a train. Explore that some more.

Overall, this could use some work. I think you have the basis for an interesting storyline and some great characters, but you have to make sure your scenes are believable and your readers can relate to the character's emotions. Ya?

PM me if you need anything else! ^_^

~Evi

“Yes, honey?” she said in her thick German-English accent, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind Viktor's ear. Viktor flinched.

“Mom!” Viktor managed to point his hand at the TV screen.

If he was German, he would probably call her 'Mutter' rather than Mom and she'd say, Ja and maybe you could use a German pet name?

Compared to the first two versions, I think this really has improved and I reckon with one more revision it could be perfect, or as close to perfect as someone can get. I like your style, but I think you need to do more research on German ways of life. Do you know much about German and Germany? Like, do you learn German? If so, maybe you could incorporate your current knowledge into your stories and use it to your advantage to make them sound more authentic. [:

Hello again!

This has definitely gotten better! But there's still somethings to fix...

“The Police believe John Aston was killed by one of his ex-employees. The layoff Aston Automobiles just made was a big one, around 20,000 jobs were lost worldwide,” said the reporter on the TV screen.

Comma

“John Aston was 42 during the crime,” said a short man beside the reporter.

*Raises eyebrows* Only during the crime? I think he would probably be 42 for an entire year. And also, I would write out forty-two. Usually you write out numbers under 1000 (But always numbers under ten).

Viktor was trembling all over, trying not to pass out from the pain that had been gripping him so tightly.

...pain? This also doesn't seem like the first emotion you'd feel when a parent has died, at least if it's unexpected...maybe surprise? denial? etc. If you want to use that, make it clear that it's emotional pain.

With all the money they owed, when payed they would barely have anything left.

To make sense change it to, "With all the money they owed, when they payed it they would barely have have anything left."

But that sounds kind of awkward, so maybe, "With all the debt they had accumulated, to pay it back would be nearly impossible." Or something.

“Yes, honey?” she said in her thick German-English accent,

Like someone already pointed out, if she was German she probably wouldn't say this. tucking a strand

His mother sat down next to Viktor on the velvet couch. “What happened?” she asked. She smiled. “Did you,” she started eagerly, “did you win--”

I think I already pointed this part out...but I think it would sound better if you said, "What happened?" she asked and smiled. "Did you win--" she started eagerly.

“He has a eleven year old son and a wife. Do they know?” Asked the short man.

“No, we were about to tell him,” said the reporter,

Comma. And who is "him"?

The camera showed an image of a typical man you'd find on the street.

Verrrrrry typical description. Think of something else At the bottom of the picture was a the name 'Michael Aston.' And I think you mean that the television showed the image.

“Michael got layed off?” said the short man.

[s]Michael[/s] Mr.Kington

“Oh yes, more than just a friend.”

Could be taken the wrong way.

Viktor blinked, trying to sink it all in.

You mean, "letting it all sink in."

You have definitely make alot of improvements, but alot of it is still very stilted/unnatural. Try to imagine if this happened to you. How would it go? What things would you feel? What would you notice? And specifically, how do people speak naturally?

Good luck!

-Maggie

Hi!

there would be good news when Jake called him to tell about his dad being on the news.

Extremely pinickity of me - but the repetition of the word 'news' right here is annoying, so I'd replace the first one with 'something good' or maybe something specific, like that the father had saved a kitten. Also, you need to make it clear whose father it is - Jake's or Viktor's?

The layoff Aston Automobiles just made was a big one, around 20,000 jobs were lost worldwide,”

The comma between one and around should be a semicolon or a full stop. I'd make it a full stop, and then you can add characterization to the reporter by only making him speak in really choppy sentences. Just a thought. ^__^

“John Aston was forty-two at the time.”

Comma instead of a period.

Without Viktor's dad,

So it was Viktor's dad. I find it very hard to believe that no one called the family when they realised who the victim was. Usually the police will make sure that the family knows immediatly, especially before the media, especially if they want to question them about the murder.

“Mum?”

His mom placed her oven mitt

Use either mum or mom, don't keep switching. Mum suggests Britain, Mom suggests America, so whichever you will use depends on the setting.

she said in her thick,

Thick accent? (What kind of accent?)

“He has a eleven year old son and a wife. Do they know?” Asked the short man.

*an eleven-year-old son, and the 'asked' should be lowercase.

“No, were about to tell them.” said the reporter,

Apostrophe in we're, comma instead of a period.

It has come to light that the assassin's name is Michael Kington,

Assassin? An assassin is a highly trained ninja-like stealth killer. This man is simply a murderer, don't glorify him.

The television showed an image of a typical man you'd find on the street.

Typical for you might not be the same as typical for me. What makes him so 'typical'? What IS a typical man, in fact? I'm not sure that a typical man even exists. Explain.

the blonde haired wore a plain white shirt

The blonde haired man?

all the luncheons they went with him to.

It's a little-known rule of the English language that you never end a sentence with a preposition. Reword this so it's 'all the luncheons they had gone to with him' or something that doesn't sound so...wrong.

But after he got layed off,

*was laid off

But was murder?

No. Obviously. Is Viktor actually wondering whether Kington had a right to kill his father?

“Michael got layed off?”

Why does he refer to Vik's father as Mr. Aston but he calls a murderer by his first name?

“He one of Mr. Aston's friends, am I correct?”

You need a verb there.

“Why he of all people got layed off, never, most likely, will be known.”

Why are they speculating about the layoff rather than reporting a murder?

Viktor went pale.

How does Viktor know he's pale? Is he looking in a mirror? Cut this.

He kneeled to the floor and cried

Instead of trying to help his surviving parent? Instead of calling someone? Does this child want to be an orphan?

Okay, I'm going to be honest with you, and I know this is a harsh review. I found hard to enjoy this and if I weren't reviewing it, I would have already stopped.

Believability: Throughout, I was thinking wth? First, as I mentioned, how did no one call the family? I can understand them not knowing if the body had been a John Doe, but obviously he was clearly identified, and however eager reporters are for news, they would not report without the family knowing and furthermore, the first thing police do is inform the family just to prevent this, and they certainly would not release the murder victim (and murderer) to the public without making sure that the Astons knew.

Plus the first suspect is usually the spouse, so they'd want to question Cecilia anyway.

The news report: was weird. As Evi said, they were too informal and it was also odd that they GUESSED at who the murderer was, talked about the family not knowing, and speculating WHY he was murdered, etc. I suggest watching some real murder reports or at least Law and Order to get a feel for the way they do things and then rewrite this.

Viktor: I wish I'd seen more of Viktor's emotions. Like, his father just died. Murdered, especially, Viktor had no warning at all this was going to happen. And not only that, he was murdered by a family friend. And not only that, but he's found out by the TV. And yet I don't care about him, at all. This is about him, and from his viewpoint, and so the reader needs to know what he's thinking, especially in a time like this. Maybe he doesn't believe it. Maybe he flashes back to the last time he saw his father - what did he want to say that he will now never be able to? Maybe a part of him is glad his father is dead, because Mr. Aston cheated on his mother and beat his son when he was drunk, but he's incredibly ashamed for thinking that because he just died. Etc. Not just 'he kneeled and cried, ignoring his poor mother who was probably dying too'.

Overall, assuming you've got a plot worked out it has potential - it just needs to be rewritten. Hope this helped.

It’s not bad, but it is insanely unrealistic. No way would they discuss a common man’s death without alerting the family first. The boy may find out by watching television – the mom might have chosen not to tell him and not have thought that it would be in the news – but the mother would certainly know.

And why did the boy think it was something good about his dad if his friend was about to cry?

Also, the reporters seemed a little unprofessional. They were just talking to one another, guessing at what happened. They don’t do that – they discuss the facts and say what police/coroners/etc. are saying, not their own opinions.

Your emotions were good, but try to focus on all of the senses. With heightened emotions comes heightened senses. Smell, touch, taste, hearing, seeing – describe it all. Slow down and let us feel the shock.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Thanks for all the reviews, guys. I'm rewriting it with Viktor and his mom hearing it on the phone, instead of hearing it on the news.

I'm pretty sure the police would come to the door? Not positive, but I think so.

Do some research first. =] Write the emotions - the after-affects - while you wait for responses.

~JFW1415