Black Roses

Their love was all a put-on.
We didn't need their lilies and red lips,
passion and kisses and words,
vows that slowly splinter, give out, fade away,
murmured in the ear but never fulfilled.

Our love was different,
like black roses.
Strange dark velvety petals, floating
down on a stray breeze that caresses our clasped hands
in the bond of love.

A quiet dance, a reassuring touch,
a voice in the dark,
a hug when it mattered most.

Our love was real.

You left like a prince, a prince on a white horse
riding off to some foreign land to claim a prize.
Only this time there is no prize to claim.

Come back before it's too late,
and maybe, just maybe, I'll kiss you.
But don't leave me alone here.
Even if I don't want to admit it -
A black rose - is still a rose all the same.

Hello, hello,

Well its been awhile since I've posted and even when I did I don't think I was ever to great at it. Nevertheless I shall try my best.

Your poem reminded me of two others: 'A Valediction Forbidding Mourning' by Donne, and 'Bloom of the Rose' by myself. The first because of the unique nature of love you establish for yourself in the first couple of stanzas, it was quite similar (in message of course) to Donne's. Which is good, so kudos for that. The latter mostly because it concerned the interesting dynamics of the rose and heartbreak in connection to it. Hm, actually I'd appreciate a post on my poem, I'm interested as to your thoughts.

Anyway I think you have an interesting idea, I do think you need to develop it a bit more though.

You left like a prince, a prince on a white horse
riding off to some foreign land to claim a prize.
Only this time there is no prize to claim.

This just seemed...I don't know, out of place. You've a fairly established voice already and this stanza just didn't seem right. I'd work on contextual flow. Oh, and small thing, but when you first mention black roses it's plural, at the end it's singular so you might want to pick one, I'd favor the singular.

This work has promise. Simply write what you feel, with honesty and sincerity, and you'll shine for sure.


-PaperMoon

Hey Hawkie ^^ I'll be your reviewer this evening.

Their love was all a put-on.
We didn't need their lilies* and red lips;
passion and kisses and words;
vows that slowly splinter, give out, fade away.
(M)urmured in the ear but never fulfilled.

I don't really think that in a relationship you'd receive lilies. It's not really a romantic flower.
I also fixed the punctuation, but I wasn't sure how you wanted to connect the last line.

Our love was different,
like black roses.
Strange(,) dark (,)velvety petals, (shift)
floating down on a stray breeze that caresses our clasped hands
in the bond of love.

you need to move "floating" down a line because it doesn't go with the line you put it in.

A quiet dance, a reassuring touch,
a voice in the dark,
a hug when it mattered most.

Has to be my favorite line ^^

Come back before it's too late,
and maybe, just maybe, I'll kiss you.
But don't leave me alone here.
Even if I don't want to admit it -
A black rose - is still a rose all the same.

This is contradictory. You say to come back before it's too late, but then the MC says to not leave her? You need to fix that

I liked it, but the flow wasn't amazing. Keep at it Hawkie ^^

-Shina