Blasphemy

There is nothing more to this place than just waiting for our chance to rule again, to hope again, to live again. For too long, the demons and Fallen had lived and burned in the Hellfire. For too long now, Lord Lucifer was chained to this place, twisted with agony and his pride broken. Ramereon had always thought his lord tragic, even before this whole mess began.

On a surface level, it was easy to see how one might be swayed to join with the mighty Lucifer in his tirade against Almighty God. He was beautiful, charming, charismatic, and ready to fight for what he believed in. He believed in Freedom. Ramereon sighed. They had all paid the price for that wish. Especially him.

Especially Amurial.

Ramereon felt a pang of...regret perhaps, when he thought of his friend. He had led him down to Hell because he thought it was right, but over the millenia it showed that Amurial was not happy, that Amurial had lost hope in their cause and in their Freedom. That Amurial might have been happier up in Heaven, away from him. Over the years, he couldn't help but wonder once in a while if doing the right thing was really the right thing to do. Perhaps he shouldn't have led Amurial astray, but then that would make them enemies. They would no longer have the chance to be friends.

Or lovers.

Damnable Almighty! Without God and his insane, constricting rules, he might be able to tell Amurial how he felt without fearing that Amurial would reject him. Because he knew Amurial still loved that twisted and unfair diety, he knew that he dreamed of the meadows of Heaven and the golden palaces. Who wouldn't, when faced with eternal Hellfire and the screams of the damned?

Ramereon didn't. He dreamed of a world not ruled by God, a world ruled fairly. No more would same-sex lovers have to cower and fear from some self-proclaimed Creator. No longer would the righteous be treated as the wicked. Human beings would be judged based on deed, not faith. As long as they were righteous, did it matter what they believed? And by righteous, Ramereon meant that someone must be good in their hearts, caring and compassionate, as were all the people he loved. As was Amurial.

As was Lucifer.

Lucifer was Prince of the World because he truly cared about it. While God was a selfish, jealous manipulator, Lucifer was selfless and sacrificing. Ramereon knew that there was a small light still burning in Lucifer's beaten heart, just as there was a light shining through in his own. But he didn't know about Amurial. He could guess at his friend's feelings, because poor Amurial couldn't see the bigger picture. That suffering was a prerequisite to triumph, and that God did not deserve to wield such power over them all. Ramereon felt a burning anger every day of his immortal life. He was angry that they had lost, but that anger fueled him to further serve Lord Lucifer and hope to win back all their freedom in the up and coming war.

While he knew that Amurial had originally at least seemed to understand what they were fighting for, Ramereon suspected that he had long since forgotten, unless perhaps he didn't know from the start and went along with Ramereon to stay close to him. The thought hurt. How could he be so stupid and just let Amurial come along without understanding the consequences? How could he let Amurial fight for a cause that wasn't his own, no matter how right and good and just?

Amurial had closed his ears to Lucifer's teachings and instead looked high above the realm of Hell, back into a warped memory of Heaven. He felt like there was nothing he could do for Amurial. No way to make him unafriad to go forward into the uncertain future.

He departed from Hell and went to Amurial's side. Amurial seemed to have been lost in his own contemplations, and he looked ready to beat himself. Ramereon took his friend's soft hand and held it firmly in his own. He embraced him. letting his tears drench his shoulder. It was all he could do.

"I just want to go home." Amurial weeped.

"Then let's go." He said, opening a portal back to the abode they shared in Hell. He wished with all his heart that one day, Amurial would be able to see the way he saw the world, and come to terms with the idea that good will always triumph, even it takes thousands of years.

Even if that good comes from the heart of a Demon

Hey, here as requested! Hope I help you

There is nothing more to this place than just waiting for our chance to rule again, to hope again, to live again.

A little unclear as to who is thinking this here. Avoid confusion, especially at the beginning of a piece, as this draws the reader away. I'll assume it's Ramereon?

Ramereon felt a pang of...regret perhaps, when he thought of his friend. He had led him down to Hell because he thought it was right, but over the millenia it showed that Amurial was not happy, that Amurial had lost hope in their cause and in their Freedom. That Amurial might have been happier up in Heaven, away from him.

Only problem here is the repitition of Amurial. Read it out loud and you'll see the problem.

Damnable Almighty! Without God and his insane, constricting rules, he might be able to tell Amurial how he felt without fearing that Amurial would reject him.

Again, repition. Replace Amurial with 'he.'

Ramereon didn't. He dreamed of a world not ruled by God, a world ruled fairly. No more would same-sex lovers have to cower and fear from some self-proclaimed Creator. No longer would the righteous be treated as the wicked. Human beings would be judged based on deed, not faith. As long as they were righteous, did it matter what they believed?

I love this. It's good to see the though process of Ramereon. It reveals a bit of his character, which is always good.

He embraced him, letting his tears drench his shoulder. It was all he could do.

The comma put here fixes that sentence

"Then let's go." He said, opening a portal back to the abode they shared in Hell.

Descriptions of this portal would help the reader visualise this more.

He wished with all his heart that one day, Amurial would be able to see the way he saw the world, and come to terms with the idea that good will always triumph, even it takes thousands of years.

Even if that good comes from the heart of a Demon

Very nice ending A good sense of finality.

Characters:

Ramereon- He's very interesting. You present him as thoughtful, but seems to rush into things and only think about consequesnces thereafter. If thi isn't his character, you'll maybe have to rewrite him in different way.

Amurial- I find it hard to care about this character. I can see that he is important to Ramereon, but not enough so to make the reader care.

Can I suggest to get to know Ramereon, that you put him in a situation (it can be as weird as you can think of) and write it in first person from his POV? That should help immensely I do this for my characters too, except I also like to draw them You don't have to do that though

Whatever works best

Great work on this, I enjoyed it. Your use of language is wonderful, you never repeat words (except for names, tee hee ) and this keeps the writing fresh. *gold star*

Good job

-Moo

Hello Fort!

I'll just skip immediately to what I think about your piece since Moo has written most of the errors I found in your work.

I like this piece, all the characters are really likable. I like Ramereon in the sense that he has a flaw. I like it that you gave him a flaw that seems common to people. (I guess it wouldn't make sense for him to be perfect when he's in hell, would it?) I also like the concept of God being the bad one between the two...For some strange reason, I also like Amurial. I like that you were able to give him some sort of character.

Overall I really liked this piece. It wasn't too dragging or overly whine-y. It's an interesting concept and it'd be nice to know more about Remereon.

Dear girl this is horribly marvelous, if i say so myself.


I love the story incredible I felt Ramereon's pain as soon as started reading his beliefs and i love that

Ramereon felt a pang of...regret perhaps, when he thought of his friend. He had led him down to Hell because he thought it was right, but over the millenia it showed that Amurial was not happy, that Amurial had lost hope in their cause and in their Freedom. That Amurial might have been happier up in Heaven, away from him. Over the years, he couldn't help but wonder once in a while if doing the right thing was really the right thing to do. Perhaps he shouldn't have led Amurial astray, but then that would make them enemies. They would no longer have the chance to be friends.

Or lovers.

I was so shocked by this I had to read it twice you really got me with that. You touched many hearts when made this his flaw including my own.

I've been trying to put together a story with a demon who falls in love or is in love with a woman and here you are doing with an male demon in love with another male absolutely delicious


What I did have a problem with was that i didn't fell at all connected with Amurial. I agree with Moo you mentioned his name a little too often for me but that still didn't make me feel any closer to him as a person.


What would help i think if you gave Amurial his on Chapter or went into his point of view just so the readers can understand his love for God and Ramereon.

Please describe both Rameron and Amurial too me you did a good job describing Lord Lucifer now if i could get an image of the MC and his lover, because once i saw demon i thought of red man with black horns and i saw Amurial as a human man (strange i know)

so please help a villan out with that on but other wise loved it and will continue to love it you have to keep writing more and please PM me when you do


Stay Marvelous and Keep Writing

Hi there Miss Fortuna
I liked how Ramereon was a demon that lived in Hell but was in love with someone who only wanted Heaven. At first I didn't understand what it was that Amurial wanted. I think it was because his named was mentioned a lot and I would get confused. All in all it was a good peice because I could feel what the characters were feeling.
Hope I helped.

There is nothing more to this place than just waiting for our chance to rule again, to hope again, to live again.

Interesting start as far as hooks go. I do immediately feel a curiosity about your story. It's interesting, though, that you choose to refer to a place rather than a situation. See, waiting for the chance to rule again doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the description of a place. It far more suits the description of a predicament or situation.

Ramereon had always thought his lord tragic, even before this whole mess began.

Tragic in what way?

He believed in Freedom. Ramereon sighed. They had all paid the price for that wish. Especially him.

The brevity of each of your sentences gets monotonous. I think you might also want to break paragraph after “Freedom”.

He had led him down to Hell because he thought it was right, but over the millenia it showed that Amurial was not happy, that Amurial had lost hope in their cause and in their Freedom

This sentence is in contrast to my above criticism, long winded and could easily be broken down making for an easier read.

Because he knew Amurial still loved that twisted and unfair diety, he knew that he dreamed of the meadows of Heaven and the golden palaces.

Unfair deity? Come on, you're a marvelous writer. We need something more hateable than mere unfairness.

He dreamed of a world not ruled by God, a world ruled fairly. No more would same-sex lovers have to cower and fear from some self-proclaimed Creator.

It's interesting because you've turned this from a very enjoyable read to something remarkably political. This is your choice, but it will certainly lose you some readers. It also squanders some of the piece's potential by tying down the anger of God to something that is perceived as unfair by a lot of the human populous. I would certainly be more interested in your characters if they had actually committed crimes over and above sins. Murder and rape would create far complex characters than you have now.

While he knew that Amurial had originally at least seemed to understand what they were fighting for, Ramereon suspected that he had long since forgotten, unless perhaps he didn't know from the start and went along with Ramereon to stay close to him.

Break this up. You've got one huge chunk here that really wants to shrink. We lose track of you. Break this down into smaller segments so we can do the same in our mind without breaking our teeth.

Even if that good comes from the heart of a Demon

I just had to say how much I liked this ending.

Let's take a look now at some of the more major aspects of the stylistic elements of the piece.

To start with, let's look at character building:
You do a great job building Ramaereon's character in this piece. We see him to be a complex individual who feels the world has been unfair to him, and he is determined to change this. What's interesting, though, is that when we meet Amurial at the end of the chapter it seems that Ramaeron's perception of him was completely objective. People are subject to bias and we will be unlikely to find such a helpless character such as Amurial totally real. People are complex, and we need to see a lot more of Amurial to find him a credible character.

On Setting:
Okay, we get the fact that we're in hell. You also describe heaven pretty well. Right now, though, what we want to see is hell. We need more information than you've told us. You're pretty vague about where this whole event occurs, and I'd like to see this change. Some dialogue with Lucifer would certainly add to our image. I'd like to see some of that.

On Sentence Structure:
It's weird because you seem to only have a normal length sentence. It's either too short or too long. I'd try balancing the length of your sentences so that when you lengthen or shorten one, maximum effect is obtained. This helps people read through your piece more smoothly as well.

On Dialogue:
I understand that this was just a start, but I'd really like to see some dialogue that is more emotive as far as your characters go. And I don't mean just feelings. I would really like to see some concrete thoughts behind the words of your characters. The purpose of dialogue is to show us how your characters communicate and to tell us more about them as people. I feel that this is somewhat lacking in your dialogue.

The Story: It's very refreshing to read a story as original as this is. I do think though that it would be even more interesting to read were it not debatable whether the crimes for which they were placed in hell were evil. We would view the characters with far more skepticism, which would in turn gain you more readers.

Overall: I found the style of your writing great to read. Your story was gripping enough to keep me focused and your writing bouncy. Yes, I'd certainly continue to read this.

I hope that this review helped.

Have a great one!

I really liked your story and could only find one or two things that seemed like it could use correcting

He embraced him. letting his tears drench his shoulder.

You need to capitalize the L in letting. I'm pretty sure you could make those two sentences into one.
Example: He embraced him, letting his tears drench his shoulder.
Or you could do this.
Example: He embrased him; letting his tears drench his shoulder.
Also, you could tell who was who was embrasing whom. That kind of confused me.

Setting: Well... let me put it this way... There is no setting what-so-ever. I want to know what hell looks like. I can guess that it is in flames everywhere, but other than that the picture is blank.
Charicters: I think that you could tell more about the charicters and explain them and there personalities a little better. I also want to know what they look like. I get that Lucifer is handsome, but how is he? And what about Ramereon and Amuriel? I have no picture in my head what they look like.
Overall: I thought it was a great story that really showed Ramereon's feeling well. It really caught the reader's attention.
The Story: I really liked the structure of your story, it really caught the reader's attention and gave them a different point of view that would normally be shown. That is what really catches the reader's eye.

I think the story and plot was well thought out and written. I really liked it! I can't wait to read the continuing story!