Licious

*** This is the first chapter of a book i am writing. I have an introduction,but its not complete.i'll post it when its done. For the sake of understanding,its a story about two sisters and two cats who own a fashion business.This book is going to be a chapter book for children. please post your opinions freely.i can take it. Oh, and i'd like to know if maybe i should just put humans in place of cats.i'd like to keep them, to keep the originality of the story,but sometimes it feels too silly and unrealistic.Thanks a bunch! ****

CHAPTER ONE
Allie ran into a dimly lit office exclaiming "Fluffy, where is Lilli? I haven't seen her all day!". Fluffy, who is sitting behind a dark wood desk with a laptop open, stares blankly at the screen. "Hmm? Oh ,no I've had enough coffee for the day, thank you." Allie rests her hand on her hip. "I'm not here to serve you! I haven't seen Lil all day and I cant find her anywhere. I'm freakin out!" "Look Allie, I'm really busy today and I don't have time for your jokes." Fluffy said all this,not once looking up from her laptop.

Angrily, Allie stomped to the polished,round desk. She slammed Fluffy's laptop shut, making fluffy move her head slowly to look Allie in the eyes. "I suggest you back up slowly and leave my office before I hurt you so badly you won't remember who you are" She barred her teeth and glared so hard it almost looked like daggers where shooting out of her eyes. "Fluffy this is important-" Fluffy growled. "I'm serious! Lilli is nowhere to be found!" Allie leaned in close to Fluffy and whispered "I even had the 'W' look for her! he found nothing!"

Fluffy calmed down, and decided Allie wasn't lying. No one ignored Fluffy's threats. "Really"? this is Serious! Why didn't you tell me before?" Allie rolled her eyes,and ignored Fluffy's stupid question. "What do we do?" Fluffy thought. She looked long and hard at her perfectly manicured claws. "Hmmm,well,has she been acting weird lately? Have you asked Frederico if he's seen her lately?"

"Frederico said the last time he saw her was last night, on they're date at the Butterfly Garden." "What time was they're date?" Fluffy got a white notebook out. Allie crossed her arms and tried to remember everything Frederico had told her. "I think he said about six PM."

Fluffy wrote the time that Allie had given her, then the time it was now. She put on her calculating face. This is the face she wears when doing paperwork, or anything that has to do with numbers. her eyebrows scrunch together, eyes squint, and her lips pucker a little bit. Everyone instinctively stays quiet when they see her calculating face.

Unfortunately, Allie doesn't always go by instinct. "Hey, I had this great idea for a dress. I was thinking maybe knee length,with long flowy sleeves. Poofy at the bottom,and a billowy top. Perhaps a belt around the waist to give it a figure. What do you think? Should i put lace for sleeves? Or would that be too-" "Would you just be quiet for five seconds!!!" Fluffy's fur puffed out in all directions. this happens alot around Allie. "Oh, I'm sorry Fluff! Here let me smooth your fur down." Allie walked over to fluffy and ran her hand down fluffys back to flatten her fur. "Just stop, I'll fix it later. So, if the last time anyone saw Lilli was at six-" "Well actually, their date didn't end till seven" "Oookay, so seven, and right now its three-fifteen....She's been missing for...twenty hours and fifteen minutes!" Fluffy's mouth dropped open.

"Does Kirstie know?" At that moment Kirstie bounced in. She was wearing a bright pink tube dress with silver sequins, and silver ballerina flats. Her long hair was in pig-tails,which bounced each time she made any sort of movement. "Do i know what? Have you guys seen Lilli around? I need her opinion on an outfit I just designed." Allie got a smile on her face and clapped her hands "I'll give you my opinion!" Kirstie looked her up and down. Fluffy hid a smirk behind her paws. "Yeah...where's Lilli? fluffy, what have I told you about this dim lighting! you'll ruin your eyes!"

Kirstie marched to the light dimmer and put the lights on full blast. "Ah Kirstie! Your'e ruining the mood!" Kirstie walked back to fluffy's desk and pressed a red button near the edge. Instantly the wall behind Fluffy's desk transformed from a shiny black to a beautiful window view of a field dotted with wildflowers of all sorts of colors.A pond lay in the middle of the field,containing a couple of swimming ducks.

"Now, you two are hiding something,and i want to know what it is." allie reached into her pocket and pulled out a chocolate chip cookie. "Alright, you caught me! Take it, take this filthy beast from me!" Allie tossed the cookie at kirsties head. It broke in half and fell to the plush white carpet below. Allie started to open the drawer where Fluffy keeps all of her junk food.Fluffy jumped from her chair and clawed Allie's hand. "Ow" Allie jumped back. Kirstie cleared her throat. " So what are you really hiding?" Fluffy sighed,and figured it was best to just tell her what was going on.

"Lilli is missing." "What?!? Since when? Where is she! How come no one told me!" Fluffy made kirstie sit down, before she started hyperventilating. "Calm down kirstie.Allie just told me about it. We've gathered that she's been missing since last night,at around seven. Lilli has been missing for twenty hours, if we're not mistaken." Kirstie took several deep breaths. Allie brought her some ice cold water from the mini fridge besides fluffys desk. "Thank you,Allie. Wasnt she on a date with Frederico last night?" Allie shook her head yes. "They went to the Butterfly Garden. He said he watched Lill prance off into the distance, until he could see her no more."

There was a moment of silence. Then all three started laughing profusely. Fluffly wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. "Okay,we need to figure out what happened next." Allie stopped laughing,and said: "Oh,did I mention the mysterious note that I found taped to our front door?" Kirstie shook her head. Fluffy said,while gritting her teeth, "No.Why didn't you tell me before?" Allie shrugged. "I forgot. I'll go get it real quick." Allie hurried out of the office,not only to get the note but also to escape Fluffy's wrath.


Kirstie stared at Fluffy with an odd look on her face. "What? Do I have sushi on my whiskers?" Kirstie laughed. "No.Did you try a new fur style?" Fluffy quickly smoothed her fur.

.END.

Hola, purplepastelpretty, mi amiga, que tal?
Er... sorry. I laspe into Spanish a lot. It looks like you've got a good idea for a children's book here. I'm just thinking... is the plot mainly going to consist of trying to find Lilli? You set it up like that.
Now to critiquing.
First off, I'm just going to start out by saying that you need to get your tenses straight. I always have this problem.... In the first sentence, you used the verb 'ran,' which is past tense, but in the sentence directly after that, you said that Fluffy is sitting, and she stares at the screen of her laptop. That's present tense. You just have to choose a tense and edit the piece up to make it all the same.

Allie ran into a dimly lit office exclaiming "Fluffy, where is Lilli? I haven't seen her all day!".

In the first part of the sentence, you need two commas: one after 'office,' and one after 'exclaiming.' If you're going from details, like 'she ran into...' to he said/she said/I said, I'm pretty sure that you need a comma to separate the two parts. Also, if you're going from he said/she said/I said into the person speaking, you need a comma before the quotations. Altogether, it would look like: Allie ran into a dimly lit office, exclaiming, "Fluffy, where is Lilli? I haven't seen her all day!" Plus, you don't need that period in there. I kind of get why you threw it in, but ending it with just the quotations ending is fine.

"Hmm? Oh ,no I've had enough coffee for the day, thank you." P Allie rests her hand on her hip. "I'm not here to serve you! I haven't seen Lil all day and I cant find her anywhere. I'm freakin out!" P "Look Allie, I'm really busy today and I don't have time for your jokes." Fluffy said all this,not once looking up from her laptop.

In the first sentence, you should have the comma directly after the Oh (that was probably a computer screw-up), and you should have another one after no, because those two words could be a sentence all by themselves. Remember to put apostrophes in conjunctions (is that what they're called?), like can't. Then, when you said freakin, you should either have freaking or use a apostrophe, to make it freakin'. When Fluffy is talking directly after taht, you need a comma after Look, because you're going straight from that word into a proper noun. In the last sentence, the comma in there looks a bit odd. You can just replace that with the word 'while' and it'll work out good: Fluffy said all this while not once looking up from her laptop. Finally, you need a new paragraph every time you start a new set of quotations. I put a bolded 'P' in there every time you needed a new paragraph.

She slammed Fluffy's laptop shut, making fluffy move her head slowly to look Allie in the eyes.

Remember to capitalize proper nouns, like names.

"I suggest you back up slowly and leave my office before I hurt you so badly you won't remember who you are" She barred her teeth and glared so hard it almost looked like daggers where shooting out of her eyes. "Fluffy this is important-" Fluffy growled. "I'm serious! Lilli is nowhere to be found!" Allie leaned in close to Fluffy and whispered "I even had the 'W' look for her! he found nothing!"

In that first set of quotations, remember to have a period at the end. Then, it's not 'barred,' it's 'bared.' Barred would be to, for instance, bar someone from entering a room. You need a comma after whispered; you have to remember that rule. Then- he found nothing!"- you need a capital H. Hm... the 'W'... sounds ominous.

"Really"? this is Serious! Why didn't you tell me before?"

First off, I think that you might have put those quotations that I underlined in there by accident. Second and third, you need a capital T for this, since it's the beginning of a sentence, and serious isn't capitalized.

"What do we do?" Fluffy thought.

Okay. This part was a tad confusing. You have normal quotations, like Fluffy is speaking normally, but then you said that she was thinking. If you just had that there because she was thinking out loud, you might want to put it like: "What do we do?" Fluffy wondered. Wondering is kind of like thinking, and more people would assume that she was talking out loud. If you actually want her to be thinking in her head, you might want to throw away the quotations altogether and just italicize the words.

"Frederico said the last time he saw her was last night, on they're date at the Butterfly Garden." P "What time was they're date?"

Besides making the second sentence a new paragraph, you used the wrong form of 'their.' You know, homonyms? There, their, and they're? The form you used would be 'they are'; you want to use the possessive form, which is 'their.'

Poofy at the bottom,and a billowy top.

Besides not having a space after the comma- I think you said this was a hitch in your computer- 'poofy' isn't a real word. You might want to try 'poufy.'

this happens alot around Allie.

Capital T in this; a lot is two words.

"Does Kirstie know?"

You never say who's speaking here. It was right after the part about Fluffy's mouth dropping open, so if it's still her talking, you don't need to start a new paragraph there. If it's Allie talking- which kind of wouldn't make sense, because Allie was the only one who knew to begin with- you should just make it a tad more obvious.

Her long hair was in pig-tails,which bounced each time she made any sort of movement.

Pigtails is one word, not two.

Allie got a smile on her face and clapped her hands "I'll give you my opinion!"

You need a period after the word 'hands.'

Kirstie marched to the light dimmer and put the lights on full blast.

You might just want to use a different word the first or second time, I don't know. It sounds a tad repetitive.

Allie tossed the cookie at kirsties head.

Capital K in Kirstie's, and don't forget to apostrophe to show possessiveness.

"Ow" Allie jumped back.

You should throw in an exclamation point after the "Ow". It would be: "Ow!" Allie jumped back.

"What?!? Since when? Where is she! How come no one told me!"

First off, try to avoid using multiple punctuations. At most, just use one exclamation point and one question mark. If you want to show shock that much, make the word italicized. Then, in the next two sentences, you should have question marks, not exclamation points.

Allie shook her head yes.

You should really say 'nodded' instead of 'shook.'

He said he watched Lill prance off into the distance, until he could see her no more."

I could see why they would start laughing after that sentence. But I just wanted to point out that, earlier on, you called Lilli 'Lil' for short, and here, you called her 'Lill' for short. You should really pick one or the other.
Okay. I didn't correct every little mistake I saw; I just jotted down the general stuff. If you do a quick revise and edit, you should find out the other spots where you made mistakes. Mainly, you just have to remember to keep your tenses the same, and use things like capitals and apostrophes every time; you use them sometimes, but sometimes you forget, as well.
The idea for the story isn't exactly my style, but for a children's book, it sounds pretty good. You might want to make it a bit more obvious that the main characters are cats, however; if someone didn't read your little post before the chapter, they would have been like, 'Whoa! Claws? What the heck?' Lastly, you said that this is the first chapter, but the ending was a tad abrupt for a chapter ending. Maybe it'll be able to flow nicely once you get the next few chapters up, but that's just from what I saw now.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I can't stop myself once I get going.
Keep writing! This could turn out to be quite nice.

Hello!

Alrighty, so I don't have much to add to the last reviewer's comments, but I will say I admire your ability to write something a child may connect to. It's a great start, and I definitely think you could go somewhere with this!

Something that had me wincing--like the kind of wincing you experience when someone scratches their nails on a chalkboard--is your claustrophobic quotations. Make sure to break up your paragraphs. When another character begins speaking, start a new line. That way your reader won't get lost and confused on who is speaking.

There also needs to be a more obvious way we can identify that the characters are cats. Maybe have one of them hack up a hair ball (no just kidding ha ha), or just do something ostentatious that no human would ever do. This not only reminds the reader that the characters are cats, but also gives them individuality and something captivating that will essentially draw them in.

Overall, a cute read, I wish you the best of luck with it!

FA