Haemorrhaging (blood loss)

[b][i]

6/26/12
I can't explain how time can be so...fragile and fast. If I could go back in time, I would.
No hesitation and no "what ifs".
"What if it isn't the same?"
"What if you go back, but you in a different dimension?"
what if...what if...what if...
What if can go die. Not that words really can die. There just lost within ones mind. Or within time.

"Nice journal entry." A warm, embracing British voice was behind me. And I mean right in my ear, but his breath was so cold. I shivered. When I turned to look behind me no one was there. The classroom was completely empty. I turned back toward the journal, ready to concentrate, but my journal was gone. I then realized there was a figure on my far left side. I looked and it was the creepy goth guy who sits three rows away from me. He was sitting in his seat and he was gripping onto my journal!

"Give it back." My voice was stern, but he remained silent. staring at me. "Please. May I please have my journal back." My voice found a certain lightness and my facial expression became serious. "There are serious things in that book." I stood. " Personal things."

"Then it is not a journal." The crisp British accent came out.

"You...talk." I was amazed. He never spoke in class.

"Of coarse I do. I'm not stupid or dull. Although people treat me like I am." He opened his back pack and dropped my book in it.

"That's not my point. I would like to have my book back." Holding my hand out expecting him to hand over the book, I raised my brows. Instead, he walked over, grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"You shall have it when I'm finished." He smiled. Not evilly, but scary.

Quickly I removed my hand from his grasp. " Why do you need it? What are you doing here after school anyway?" I tried to stall him. He creeped me out so much! He began walking the opposite direction of me.

" You can't get it. Your book. And I'm not about to tell you why I want it. My business is my business."

"But why?!" My patience was growing thin. He far across the room.

"Does it matter?!" He slammed my body against the closest wall. (which is 3 feet away)

"What are you?" It was just a plain question, but I now fear him.

His breath was heavy. " A human being." He then let me go and stormed out of the room.

Haemorrhaging is spelled h-e-m-o-r-r-h-a-g-i-n-g. Hemorrhaging. Try to spell your title right, dear. Also, don't explain what it means. Hemorrhage is common enough. Explaining makes the reader feel stupid.

What if can go die.

What on earth does that mean? What if what can go die? Also, this is a question. Therefore, it needs a question mark.

There just lost within ones mind.

There should be they're. They are. Ones should be one's -- the apostrophe implies possession.

I can't explain how time can be so...fragile and fast. If I could go back in time, I would.
No hesitation and no "what ifs".
"What if it isn't the same?"
"What if you go back, but you in a different dimension?"
what if...what if...what if...
What if can go die. Not that words really can die. There just lost within ones mind. Or within time.

This section makes no sense whatsoever. Why are there random words in question marks? Are those the what ifs?

A warm, embracing British voice was behind me. And I mean right in my ear, but his breath was so cold.

Lots of contradictions here. Warm and embracing are good things, yes? And then you go and describe his voice as cold...?
Also: "And I mean right in my ear, but his breath was so cold." What? What does his cold breath have to do with his voice in the main character's ear?

looked and it was the creepy goth guy who sits

May I please have my journal back

THis is a question. Give it a question mark.

"But why?!" My patience was growing thin. He far across the room.

"Does it matter?!" He slammed my body against the closest wall. (which is 3 feet away)

OMG LOOK AT ALL MY PUNCTUATION!!!!???!!??? (and I look quite silly). Only one ! or ? will do.
Also, always spell out numbers, unless it's something such as 233423434.3487239482345 1/2. Three feet away.
And... He far across room? xD You need a verb...

" A human being." He then let me go and stormed out of the room.

Now it's obvious he isn't one! Why else would he say that?

Grammar

Was horrendous. You have many typos and you switch between tenses. Look over your work.

Plot

Was confusing.
So, an unnamed character is writing in a journal. Goth Boy comes and takes it, and then runs away. Does unnamed charactter get the journal back? Who is unnamed character?
The journal entry was rather cliched as well.

Sorry to sound so mean!

Good luck editing, and PM me if you have any questions!

Best,
Antigone






Sits should be sat. Past tense.

NITPICKS:

I can't explain how time can be so...fragile and fast.

Two things. One, there should be a space after the ellipsis. And two, I hate the use of the word 'fast'. There are so many ways to describe time, and while sometimes the direct way is the best way (funny that I just put that on my profile), I don't think that applies here. Time is... such a vast subject. There are numerous ways to describe it. Time can be an essence. It can be anything! Forever, yesterday, now, tomorrow... colors, habits, people... calenders, rivers, mountains... Time can be marked and described and used as an example for anything. I cannot stress that enough. And while I don't want you to overdo it, I would like to see more. Especially since this is your hook.

No hesitation and no "what ifs".

Why are there returns after everything? No offense, but there is such a thing as a paragraph...

"What if you go back, but you in a different dimension?"

If you reread, you'll find that this doesn't make sense. Missing a word or something.

what if...what if...what if...

Missing capitalization.

What if can go die. Not that words really can die. There just lost within ones mind. Or within time

I feel like you're just babbling here. I don't want to keep reading, and already I don't like the voice of your MC.

"Nice journal entry." A warm, embracing British voice was behind me. And I mean right in my ear, but his breath was so cold. I shivered. When I turned to look behind me no one was there. The classroom was completely empty. I turned back toward the journal, ready to concentrate, but my journal was gone. I then realized there was a figure on my far left side. I looked and it was the creepy goth guy who sits three rows away from me. He was sitting in his seat and he was gripping onto my journal!

Okay, since I just found too much wrong with this, I'm going to give you my own example of how this can look and let you edit it on your own to suit it to the way you want. Here's my twist on this (it's rough but you'll get the idea): "Nice journal entry," a warm, slightly mischevious voice said right in my ear. I heard a distinct British accent in the words. His breath blew on the back of my neck for an instant, and I shivered. But when I turned to look behind me, no one was there. The classroom was completely empty. I turned back to my journal, frowning, and discovered that my journal was gone, too. A movement to my right drew my gaze, and a figure leaned against the wall right next to the door. I stared at him, realizing that he was the creepy goth guy who sat three rows away from me every day. And in his pale hands he clutched... my journal.

"Give it back." My voice was stern, but he remained silent. [Comma, no period] staring at me.

Wouldn't she be, uh, just a LITTLE creeped out?

"Please. May I please have my journal back. [This is a question. There should be a question mark]" My voice found a certain lightness and my facial expression became serious. [Man her emotions are kind of everywhere for me. I'm having trouble keeping up]

"Then it is not a journal." The crisp British accent came out.

What is he talking about? And why isn't she acting like a human being? First, I would be pissed if some guy a) read my jounral and b) wouldn't give it back.

He smiled. Not evilly, but scary.

Hate the word evil. It's just too common. And tell us why his smile is scary, anyway.

"But why?!" My patience was growing thin. He far across the room.

The exclamation point and question mark together look too unprofessional, in my opinion. And the second part of this doesn't make sense, about him being far across the room.

He slammed my body against the closest wall. (which is 3 feet away)

Don't like the little parenthesis add-on. Ruins the tone you're setting.

"What are you?" It was just a plain question, but I now fear him.

You keep switching tenses. Pick one. Also, we know it's a question. You don't need to tell us.


OVERALL:


Hmmm. Well, it started out rocky, but I was actually getting interested towards the end there. Many cliffhangers you've left, and I like that. It is too short for my taste - I hope this isn't the entire first chapter because there's just not enough, in my opinion. But I do like it.

Keep writing. If you have more questions just PM me.

"Please. May I please have my journal back." My voice found a certain lightness and my facial expression became serious. "

For some reason this part doesn't seem entirely right to me. Grammatically it is but the actions don't quite match the words. If I found a creepy guy who had just taken my journal which NO ONE should read then I would not be asking politely. I don't know if it is just me but the voice being light and polite while the face grows serious seems almost contradictory to me. This is more of an opinion than something actually wrong though. It may tell us something unusual about the character.

"You...talk." I was amazed. He never spoke in class.
This part again, is not wrong but is seems a little off to me only because this is the second time she has heard him talk.

"Of coarse I do. I'm not stupid or dull. Although people treat me like I am." He opened his back pack and dropped my book in it.
Coarse to Course


"That's not my point. I would like to have my book back." Holding my hand out expecting him to hand over the book, I raised my brows. Instead, he walked over, grabbed my hand and kissed it.

OOh mysterious, I love the weirdness and mystery in the character.

I love how you leave us hanging along with all the suspense and mysetry. The start of a very good story to be sure.