Tainted Soul pt.4

Sorry for this coming out so late . I had a mysterious illness and had to have numerous hospital visits. We think it may be pancreatic cancer but we're not compleatly sure. Hope you all enjoy this piece, please comment.







The road ahead of me looked eerie and haunting. The stores that lined the corner seemed abandoned and exanimate; the street lights were blinking on and off as if the grudge was lurking in the shadows. The wind whipped around me and whispered a tale of certain doom, before leaving. The sky warped itself into a mask of horror. I held my head high, grabbed my bags, and took my fist step into freedom. I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea how I'm going to survive. I'm only eleven so I can't get a job, unless I cut grass or something. I had no idea of what lay ahead of me. I only knew that I was finally free.
I walked to the sound of my guilty pleasure, Escape the fate. I discovered this band one day while on one of the orphanage computers, the lyrics to "Harder Than You Know" played again and again in my head. 'Baby, don't talk to me, I'm trying to let go. Not loving you is harder than you know...'
It started to get even later into the night so I decided to find a place to sleep. I passed a vacant ally; it was filled with cats and trashcans, but I figured this was as good as it gets. I wandered to the far back and set up camp. The air was suddenly stale when I sat down; I had to contort myself into a ball to get myself fully under the blanket, which made breathing even harder. Not too long later I decided to sit on top of a trashcan. A black cat came and rested itself on my lap.
"Hey, kitty." The cat looked up at me with big yellow eyes and meowed. "You homeless too, huh?" The cat brought itself up to my face and sneezed. I should have been mad, but I just laughed and petted its back. "Hmm, well let's see, I think it's only proper to give you a name." The cat meow-ed in approval as it settled itself into a ball on my lap. “Well, lets see, I guess I’ll name you...Midnight. I know it’s very stereotypical for a black cat, but whatever. I think it suits you, and plus it's a versatile name, and I don't know, yet, if you're a girl or a boy." Midnight jumped off my lap and onto my blanket. "Yeah, you're right, it's time for bed. I have a big day ahead of me, well us if you decide to tag along." Midnight sneezed a 'yes' before falling asleep. I scooted in next to her/him which woke her/him up."Sorry, buddy, but I have to do this." I raised Midnight up as she/he meow-ed in protest. I laughed." Well, I know what gender you are now. Goodnight, girl, have sweet dreams my lady." Midnight fell back asleep instantly as soon as I let her down. I didn’t feel as sleepy as I was earlier so I stroked Midnight's back and looked up above me at the sky.
The sky was filled with stars and it amazed me at how much the sky changed in one day.
I woke up to the sun burning holes in my eyelids. Midnight was lying stretched out on my chest snoring silently. I pushed her off of me making her hiss and scowl.
"Oh shut up," I barked. "It's morning. You need food." I sat up and grabbed her face in my hands. "You want to eat, don't you?" She meowed and trotted away. I grunted as I lazily pulled myself up from the cold ground. Sighing, I packed away my "bed" in a vacant Wal-Mart bag and tied it to a belt loop on my jeans. I decided that bringing clothes was a waste so I left them in one of the dumpsters either to be torn up by bugs or picked up by some random bum. Before leaving I scooped a can of chili on the ground for Midnight and packed the rest of the food away in the bag with the bed.
The morning streets were strange and uninviting; eyes bore into my back as I walked with my head held high and my alley cat strolling along beside me.
"Weird looking kid," they whispered.
“Another juvenile delinquent," they scoffed.
I ignored them though, and to my surprise Midnight hissed at anyone who came to close. I reached down, occasionally, to pet her in thanks. I folded my arm into a cradle and Midnight gladly jumped into them.
"We have a long way to go, girl," I whispered into her perky ears. "I don't know where were going, or how were going to make it. I mean, I am only eleven..." She turned her head around and sneezed directly in my face. I grimaced, then laughed, "Yeah, you're right. I could mow lawns, walk dogs-" she hissed "- okay, maybe not walk dogs, but I can wash cars, paint fences, basically all the dirty things that people don’t want to do. Well, dang, I'd even scoop doggie crap out of people's back yard; don't worry they'd have to put up the dog first." Midnight leaped out of my arms and fell into place beside my ankles. The only noise from that morning on was the clink of the metal cans of food in my bag.
As the day grew longer the rumbling in my stomach grew louder. I wasn’t going to eat yet though. "I only get one meal a day," I promised myself." Food has to last." I thought about just gobbling down a can of chicken soup, but I have to have control over myself, and my stomach.
"He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, started making his way past two in the morning, he hasn’t been sober for days..." I sang the lyrics to Remembering Sunday by All Time Low. I often pitied the guy in this song. He was so foolish; he got what he deserved for falling in love.
My song was interrupted by a gentle tug of the leg of my jeans and a frantic hiss from Midnight.
“Excuse me, sir." The thing that spoke was a little girl about five or six. She has two long blonde braided pigtails. She was wearing a pink and yellow sundress with floral print with white Mary-Jane’s. She had an angel face, complete with pink cheeks and thick eyelashes. Her mother was standing protectively beside her daughter, clutching her hand. Her face was hard and shown no emotion, but I could tell that on the inside she was terrified.
"Yes, may I help you?" I asked with the most polite tone I could put on. She smiled a heartbreaking smile and pointed to Midnight. Oh, God, I hope they don't want my cat. She's all I have.
"Please, sir-"
Here it comes. I wonder how I'm going to tell her no.
"- I was just wondering-"
I can't tell her no.
"- if I could jsut hold your cat for just a minte. You see, I had one just like it, but it ran away."
I let out a sigh of relief and raised an eyebrow at the mom. Ran away? I heard that plenty of times. I looked down at Midnight who meowed. I scooped her up to whisper in her ear.
“Now you listen well, this little girl wants to hold you. No funny business or I am not feeding you tomorrow." My message seemed to catch her attention because she immediately jumped out my arms and padded over to the little girl.
"Her name is Midnight, just fold you're arms into a cradle and she'll jump right into them." The girl did as she was told, and laughed when Midnight jumped up and licked her face. The mom bit her lip. If she was so afraid of my cat and I why did she let her kid come over here? I looked at the girl again; I guess she couldn’t say no to her angel. That’s how it was when I was little, before I turned eight.
“Hey baby," Mommy called from the front door. She and Daddy went off on business earlier. I was at home with my babysitter Rose. I jumped up from my current position on the sofa to run and leap into Mommy’s arms.
"Mommy, Daddy," I trilled.
"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Valkyre." Rose entered the front room and gave my parents a hug.
“Hello, Rose," Dad laughed," Here's your pay for today." Dad pulled a fifty dollar bill out of his pant pocket and gave it to Rose. She smiled and thanked my parents before leaving. Mom tapped the tip of my nose.
“Guess where we're taking out little angel this weekend."
“Where, Mommy?"
“Disney World," she shouted as she bounced me in her arms. Dad laughed.
“Really Mommy, you mean it?"
“Yes, honey, 'cause you're our little strawberry cupcake!" Mom always called me that, because of the color of my hair. Mom danced around the room with me while Dad went to prepare dinner.All was well in the Valkyre home, but that was five years ago. I was a happy child then, I had happy parents too. I don't know what happened, I don't know...

Hey, LoVeLeSs. I'm sorry that you had to go to the hospital and stuff; that really sucks.
Anyway. I saw your story on the main page, figured, 'yeah, why not?,' and went back to read the first part of your story.
I was hooked in at once. You really captured my attention.
Okay. I'm just going to do a critique here:

The stores that lined the corner seemed abandoned and exanimate, the street lights were blinking on and off as if the grudge was lurking in the shadows.

You need a semicolon there, instead of a comma, because while the two halfs of the sentence are somewhat related, they're not related enough to just have a comma. Does that make sense? Also: nice vocabulary. I don't even know what 'exanimate' means.

I'm only 11 so I can't get a job, unless I cut grass or something.

You should have the word 'eleven' there, instead of the number. You did that a couple of other times in your writing, as well.

I walked to the sound of my guilty pleasure, Escape the fate. I discovered this band one day while on one of the orphanage computers, the lyrics to "Harder than you know" played again and again in my head.

You should have all of the letters that I underlined capitalized, since they're the names of bands and songs. You did this later in your writing, as well. Just think of book titles.

I passed a vacant ally, it was filled with cats and trashcans, but I figured this was as good as it gets.

You should have a semicolon there, instead of a comma, because... well, same reason as last time. If you want more information on semicolons and stuff, ask your English teacher.

The air was suddenly stale when I sat down; I had to contort myself into a ball, to get myself fully under the blanket, which made breathing even harder.

You don't need that comma that I underlined.

Not to long later I decided to sit on top of a trashcan.

Homonym trouble. You know, 'to,' 'too,' and 'two'? You should have had 'too' there.

"Hey, kitty," the cat looked up at me with big yellow eyes and meow-ed," you homeless too, huh?" The cat brought itself up to my face and sneezed. I should have been mad, but I just laughed and petted its back. “Hmm well let’s see, I think it’s only proper to give you a name."

Okay. First off, you should just make that first sentence end right there, instead of having the comma. That would mean that there were some additional periods and capitals in there. Also, you should probably have a comma after 'Hmm'. Lastly, 'meowed' is one word. All in all, it would look something like this: "Hey, kitty." The cat looked up at me with big yellow eyes and meowed. "You homeless too, huh?" The cat brought itself up to my face and sneezed. I should have been mad, but I just laughed and petted its back. "Hmm, well let's see, I think it's only proper to give you a name."

Midnight sneezed a 'yes' then fell asleep.

You might want to try changing 'then fell' to 'before falling.' It would look a bit more professional.

." Sorry, buddy, but I have to do this."

This was probably just a screw-up with your computer or something, but you had a habit of making the quotations... how should I put this? Not hugging the words. It should have been like: . "Sorry, buddy, but I have to do this." You get what I'm saying?

Midnight was lying stretched out on my chest snoring silently, I pushed her off of me making her hiss and scowl.

You should turn this into two sentences.

"Oh shut up," I barked," Its morning, you need food," I sat up and grabbed her face in my hands;" You want to eat don't you?"

Once again, the whole quotations thing, as well as making separate sentences. You also should have had an apostrophe in it's. Altogether, it would be: "Oh shut up," I barked. "It's morning. You need food." I sat up and grabbed her face in my hands. "You want to eat, don't you?" Oh, yeah, you forgot about that comma after the word 'eat.'

Sighing I packed away my "bed" in a vacant Wal-Mart bag and tied it to a belt loop on my jeans.

You should have a comma after the word 'sighing.'

"We have a long way to go, girl," I whispered into her perky ears," I don't know where were going, or how were going to make it. I mean I am only eleven..," she turned her head around and sneezed directly in my face. I grimaced then laughed," Yeah, you're right I could mow lawns, walk dogs," she hissed," Okay, maybe not walk dogs, but I can wash cars, paint fences, basically I can do all the dirty things that people don’t want to do. Well, dang, I'd even scoop doggie crap out of people's back yard, don't worry they'd have to put up the dog first."

This whole part was a bit wrong. Fixed up, it would look like:
"We have a long way to go, girl," I whispered into her perky ears. "I don't know where were going, or how were going to make it. I mean, I am only eleven..." She turned her head around and sneezed directly in my face. I grimaced, then laughed, "Yeah, you're right. I could mow lawns, walk dogs-" she hissed "- okay, maybe not walk dogs, but I can wash cars, paint fences, basically all the dirty things that people don’t want to do. Well, dang, I'd even scoop doggie crap out of people's back yard; don't worry they'd have to put up the dog first."
If you have any questions about why I changed some of that stuff, shoot me a PM.

"I only get one meal a day," I promised myself," Food has to last."

Quotations, once again, and a period instead of a comma.

I sang the lyrics to Remembering Sunday by All time low.

Capitalization.

“Excuse me sir."

You need a comma before 'sir.' It's just kind of a rule that you need commas before you say things like names/titles. You did this a few other times in your writing, as well. Do you know what I'm saying? You probably don't, I'm not very good at explaining things...

"Yes, may I help you," I asked with the most polite tone I could put on.

You need a question mark there, since it's a question.

" Please sir," here it comes, I wonder how I'm going to tell her no," I was just wondering," I can't tell her no, " if I could just hold you're cat for just a minute, you see, I had one just like it, but it ran away."

Okay, there are a couple of things that you can do here to make it look like Rayne's a bit more worried. You can try something like this:
"Please, sir-"
Here it comes. I wonder how I'm going to tell her no.
"- I was just wondering-"
I can't tell her no.
"- if I could jsut hold your cat for just a minte. You see, I had one just like it, but it ran away."
You see how I did that?

The girl did as she was told, and laughed when Midnight jumped up and licked her face, the mom bit her lip.

You should really have a period there, instead of a comma.

“Guess where we're taking out little angel this weekend."

You need a question mark there.

“Disney World," she shouted as she bounced me in her arms, Dad laughed.

Period instead of a comma, once again.

“Really mommy, you mean it?"

Capital 'M', since Mommy is a proper noun in this case.
I might have missed some grammatical stuff, but someone else will probably catch that. I just want to point out two paragraphs that I noticed:

The thing that spoke was a little girl about five or six. She has two long blonde braided pigtails. She was wearing a pink and yellow sundress with floral print with white Mary-Jane’s. She had an angel face, complete with pink cheeks and thick eyelashes.

I like the description- I can really picture the girl- but it seems like a bit too much for a character that we're only going to see once. Unless you're going to have her again in future chapters? Or maybe you just wanted to get that 'angel' feel across, so that you could go into that flashback? You might want to cut that down a little bit.

Mom danced around the room with me while Dad sang and played the piano.

The father was singing and playing piano while the mother danced? That seems a little... too happy and rehearsed for a normal family, if you get what I'm saying.
I'm sorry for the long critique. I only do this much for stories that I see a lot of potential for. Anyway, I really hope that I get to read more of this soon. Keep writing, and shoot me a PM if you have any questions or when you post up the next part of this.

Characterization

I like how you describe the girl and her relationship with her parent. But again, there were some parts of the story that seemed unclear. For example, the street where he is going. You mentioned that it was a weird street were people were calling names at him. My first thought was that it could be down town. Honestly, this kind of setting can be anywhere. So in order to reveal what kind of place is it aside from the dialogues of the passers-by, try giving the reader a clue to what kind of place is it. For example you may write that there are grafitti around or that there were thrash on the streets. That could be a way to denote where it is.

Now next part is when you made a flashback to the boy’s past. I think you need to separate it because when I read it first, I was confuse if it was the girl’s parents or the boys. You may separate it through a line or in italics.

Other than that, the plot is simple but inviting. It allows the reader to know what will happen next to the boy so congratulations

AND PS

I hope you’ll be okay.