Rosa never swims with me.

They found her face down in the water,
peaceful as can be,
but none the less, I found a dress as black as black should be.
Never-mind the sullen voices, calling out her name,
soon you'll see, It'll be just me, alone down by her grave.

A rose for her, a glass for me, both smell about the same.
But the numbness borne of the shot will cool her grave for me.

Warm summer breeze, come and lay with me,
the lonesomeness I find today, Dear Lord, just let me be.

This heart of mine, wont fill with time or any love I say I'd find.
There's only one, shines like the sun even 6 feet under me.

Laying down next to her grave, I doubt much peace I'd find.
Hear me now; I hate the sound, of no heartbeat with mine.

Lovely nothing, lovely nothing, I find myself alone.
But with a drink and time to think...

Death just might feel like home.

This is really lovely, Eraqio. Reminds me of Annabel Lee by Poe. I like the rhyme.

They found her face down in the water,

peaceful as can be,

but none the less, I found a dress as black as black can be.

Never-mind the sullen voices, calling out her name,

soon you'll see, It'll be just me, alone down by her grave.

Nonetheless is one word. And you don't need to capitalize "it'll".

A rose for her, a shot for me, both smell about the same.

But the numbness that comes with a shot will cool her grave for me.

I love the first line. I think the rhythm of the second is off. I'm not sure what to emphasize when I read it out loud to make it sound right.

Warm summer breeze, come and lay with me,

the lonesomeness I find today, Dear Lord, just let me be.

I don't really understand this part.

This heart of mine, wont fill with time or any love I say I'd find.

There's only one, shines like the sun even 6 feet under me.

This part is really great. Just put an apostrophe in "won't" and write out the word six so it'll look better.

Laying down next to her grave, I doubt much peace I'd find.

Hear me now, I hate the sound, of no heartbeat with mine.

Again, genius. Wouldn't it sound better if you said "I'll" instead of "I'd"? I don't think you need the comma after "sound".

Lovely nothing, lovely nothing, I find myself alone.

But with a drink and time to think...



Death just might feel like home.

Stellar ending.

Bravo.
-Rachel

I'm not so good at reviews because i hate to say anything against what people have done - i know how attached you get to what you've written! But here goes...

I loved this! the only thing I might change (now this is where i start to sound horrid and mean) is where you break your lines. I'd have done it:

They found her face down in the water,

peaceful as can be,

but none the less,

I found a dress

as black as black can be.

Never-mind the sullen voices,

calling out her name,

soon you'll see - it'll be just me,

alone down by her grave. (etc. etc)

I'm sorry if you broke them the way you did purposefully. I don't know how you intend the poem to be read so ignore me if I'm wrong.

Also I might change "peaceful as can be" to "peaceful and serene"
and "alone down by her grave" to "alone beside her grave"
I'm not going to suggest any other changes because I'm sure you're sick of me by now. I have a habit of trying to make everything sound and look pretty - people find it very irritating!

I have rambled a little bit so sorry and I hope I was of some use at least!

Jemima

It is a very pretty poem. Its not exactly polished but it does have an innocence about it that makes it stand out. This is good writing and i think it can be better.

The best line- "This heart of mine, wont fill with time or any love I say I'd find."
very poetic and simple. your poem was not difficult to read through

another thing that stuck out was how you kept rhyming using 'me'
it wasn't awkward for me but it just sounds a little repitive when it shouldn't.

But the numbness that comes with a shot will cool her grave for me.
Warm summer breeze, come and lay with me,
the lonesomeness I find today, Dear Lord, just let me be.
This heart of mine, wont fill with time or any love I say I'd find.
There's only one, shines like the sun even 6 feet under me.

Two thumbs up as a whole

The first stanza of this poem was lovely. I have to admit, I'm afraid, that the rest of the poem became gradually more and more of a let down after it. I'm gonna go ahead and just do a line-by-line

They found her face down in the water,
peaceful as can be,
but none the less, I found a dress as black as black can be. Nonetheless is one word. "A" dress? or "the" dress? If it's not her dress, I don't see how a dress comes into this.
Never-mind the sullen voices, calling out her name, Here there should be stronger punctuation than a comma; a semi-colon at least.
soon you'll see, It'll be just me, alone down by her grave. I don't know if it was a typo, but I don't know why you capitalized "It'll".
The rhythm of this stanza is lovely.

A rose for her, a shot for me, both smell about the same. I really like this line. No period though, I think; I'd replace it with a comma.
But the numbness that comes with a shot will cool her grave for me.

Warm summer breeze, come and lay with me You need punctuation here. And, how does this line fit in? You pair it with your line about loneliness; do they want the breeze for company? I think this whole stanza hinges on you wording the next line differently.
the lonesomeness I find today, Dear Lord, just let me be. This line doesn't make sense. Do you want lonesomeness to let you be? Or people to let you be so you can be lonesome? Your wording isn't the clearest. And why do you capitalize "dear"?

This heart of mine, wont fill with time or any love I say I'd find. No comma.
The rhyming combined with the words sounds cheesy. And I think in the struggle to achieve those rhymes, you lost whatever sense this line was supposed to make in terms of the subject of the poem; you sacrificed coherency.
There's only one, shines like the sun even 6 feet under me. "Only one". Only one love? This doesn't go back easily to the previous line, because that line wasn't clear.
"shines like the sun"? You know better, dear. =)

Laying down next to her grave, I doubt much peace I'd find. There's something wrong with the verb tense. I think it should be "Lying" and "I'll find".
Hear me now, I hate the sound, of no heartbeat with mine. "Hear me now" sounds like just a filler. You can't have fillers in poetry.
No comma after "sound".

Lovely nothing, lovely nothing, I find myself alone. "Lovely nothing" Try as I might, I can't figure out what that's supposed to mean, or refer to.
"I find myself alone." Isn't this about the 3'rd time you've mentioned this?
But with a drink and time to think... I don't like the ellipses. A stanza break is enough to imitate that pause; an ellipses is too heavy. I also don't see where the "but" comes in.

Death just might feel like home. His death or her death? If you mean his, it's a little a lot abrupt. Which might be the effect you're looking for, but by abrupt I mean... random. You give no hints that you're leading up to this; it just jumps out at you, and is completely seperate from the thoughts in the rest of the poem. I think it needs a completely different ending.

Those are pretty much all my thoughts on this. I did like it, but, like I said, the rest of the poem didn't measure up to my expectations were after the beginning. What I would focus on is clarity, and adding a little more imagery, while cutting out the images that aren't as fresh.

:O

Eric! I can't believe I haven't read this!


Anyway, this is wonderful; absolutely, absolutely wonderful. The tone of this somewhat reminded me of Annabelle Lee by Edgar Alan Poe.

Anyway, the main thing I love about this was the rhyme and rhythm. I often complain that rhyme is overused and rhythm is underdone in poetry, but here, I truly, thoroughly loved this.

The in-line rhyme worked very well here, Eric, and the ending of this was superb.

Sorry I can't scratch up a good enough critique, but I promised to comment on what you post.

June

hello.

Brilliant, brilliant. I absolutely loved this. I agree with June. It does have and Edgar Allan Poe feel to it. Sort of like Annabel Lee. Another poet this reminds me of is Thomas Hardy.

Lovely nothing, lovely nothing,

These two lines hold so much power. It creates the climax of the poem before the ending. Your ending is great by the way.

I think that this faltered a little with regards to rhythm. Although, still, it is brilliant the way it is. Rhythm doesn't really hold much value if the poem's effect is still profound.

Starred.

--Knightly

Eraq! Such a lovely poem! I realy don't have anything to say. ^^ Gold star for you!

This was a nice poem! With that said,

peaceful as can be,

but none the less, I found a dress as black as black can be.

It does not flow well when you use "can be" twice like that in a row! My other thing, and this is more of a personal issue, is don't write "6" spell it out! It looks amature. Other than that this was a nice poem.

Good work!

Gabe

Hey!

Eraqio wrote:They found her face down in the water,
peaceful as can be,
but none the less, I found a dress as black as black can be.

You use 'as can be' twice here ... maybe you coud replace the first one with 'peaceful as you please'? Just a suggestion.

There's only one, shines like the sun even 6 feet under me.

My favourite line. Kudos here.

Laying down next to her grave, I doubt much peace I'd find.
Hear me now, I hate the sound, of no heartbeat with mine.

I was gonna say you could change the last line to "I hate the sound of no heart beating with mine" but, really, it's your choice. :]


Overall, a really nice poem. I find that while the subject matter is a tad bit cliche - death, roses, drinking, comtemplating death - the poem itself makes up for it with the way it flows and the skill with which it was written. I love the title, too.

Keep it up! =D

- Camille.<3

This reminds me of that one poem, Annabell Lee.
It truly is beautiful. I definitely liked it. You might want to consider publishing it. If you do, tweak the layout just a bit. this poem made me feel all warm and squiggly inside, but so sad and miserable too. Its just not fair! How could she die when he loved her so much!
really nice job.

Eraqio,

I found myself startled and rocked by this piece immensely. Here I sit, watching myself drift out, slipping away, upon the same boat drifting in the same moody sea I find myself in when listening to Bob Marley. This is a velveteen poem.

First Stanza, Fifth Line: I thought the "soon you'll see," was a bit burdensome and unnecessary. It carries a far more subtle weight without it.

Fourth Stanza, Line One, Word Five: Typo - won't

I read this over and over again.
I hate relating.
Not sure if I should say, well done, you write well...
or hush, hush,
...

-M.

J'adore this poem. There was some iffy lining and stuff, but I found the more I read it the more the rhymes and wording that I didn't understand, made sense. I think the things I love best about this poem are the metaphors and the ending. Specially the ending. I don't know why, but it really makes me get the grief of the narrator. It's really well done. Just go through it and reline some of it, and it will be truly marvellous. xxxx

okay. umm.

I really like the last sentence,
makes me think about it.

The only thing, which you could do better
is the form, if you know what I mean.
There are always two verses except the first.
So the first cut (right word?) doesn´t fit
to the others...

greets, Cookiemonster

Though I despise giving pointless reviews, seeing as others have conveyed more helpful advice than I could ever give, I must say I am in love with your title. It is, simply put, beautiful and brilliant.
Congratulations.